I think one of the things that has been hardest over the last month or two for several of the people who know me...is that I'm really NOT a shining ray of optimism. Usually (I like to think anyway) I've been an idealist and someone who always looks for the good or the potential positive lesson out of something. But this isn't the case currently...and it hasn't been for a while. In fact, I really am not very fun to be around. I'm hateful, breezing through my days checking off items, and generally not really believing that things are "going to work out." And you know what...people aren't too thrilled by it! :) Ha. They don't like this version of me...and so it's made it so much easier to just avoid people, except for when employment or Granny requires it. I haven't seen my family, I haven't seen my local friends, and honestly I'm still continuing to like hibernation........
....but I will tell you this. Today for a fleeting second, I thought to myself that it's starting to become time for me to at least attempt to put a lil of my old sunshine back into my overcast mind frame. I'm not going to lie, I don't think my perception of the world and people in it will ever go back to the way it was a year ago, two years ago, or even six months ago. I no longer believe that people are inherently good. I don't believe that people have the capacity and desire to become something better always. And I don't believe that being strong is always a virtue, nor that things will always work out....because sometimes, they.just.don't.
What I do believe is that I have some great people in my life....who are doing what they can to love me through this spot in life, even if they don't always want to. I also believe that I need people in my life who aren't going to try to pigeon hole me into the version of myself that they want me to be. I no longer want to be any of the old versions of myself, but rather I want to figure out what version of a new me I should be.
Over the last two weeks, I've had moments of recognizing weird thought patterns that I use based on others desires of what they think is right or who they think I should be or how they think I should act....and honestly I'm tired of always trying to please other people. I haven't bought white shoes for years cause one of my high school gals hates them. I've stayed friends with people because I knew it was what they needed. I treat my dogs a certain way cause it's how the ex trained them. I communicate and deal with my emotions in certain ways because it's how I was raised. I've stayed strong because it's what everyone expected. But what I've come to realize is that....I love animal prints. I like white shoes. I like my dogs on the bed. I like to live with less. I like hibernating and internalizing my emotions. And I could go on and on. I've been trying to be mindful of these realizations as they arrive because sometimes I feel like I've gotten so out of tune with my own inner voice....because I've had constant voices surrounding me trying to tell me what to do.
Sometimes I wish I could just pack it all up and start over somewhere new, allowing for a truly fresh and clean start. But maybe, just maybe some of that is possible even with staying in Oregon.....
Now that my rant is out, here are some other happenings as of late:
---I started my new part-time position. It's mainly going to be idea and program development, but it doesn't seem particularly challenging. I had a phone interview for one of the three main positions I've been wanting-not sure how it went overall. The job won't start until two months after I'd need it to and the pay isn't exactly what I am needing--we'll see if I get called back for round two. I was supposed to have jury duty on Tuesday, but didn't get called and so was able to attend a division meeting instead. And I also applied for a job in my field in my home town. Not that I really know what I think about maybe moving back there again....but at this point, a job is a job.
---One of my best gals from high school was in Oregon last weekend for her dad's 70th bday. She'd asked me months ago if I'd be willing to pick her up and provide transportation to our hometown (and back), so the two of us had a great weekend with her family and our other main gal from high school. I also was able to see my gal D and lil man for a few hours one afternoon--yea. It was an incredibly quick trip, but it was great to sleep in my parents house and see some of my favorite people who know how to just let me be. Luckily, my gas was paid for so the trip was 100% free. I also got to see my aunt who lives down there, who sadly was laid off last week from her long-time employment.
---Sadly also my life has truly become a country song: divorced, broke, and now with an injured dog. For the first time ever Anna refused to continue on an easy run on Saturday and she spent the next day hobbling or lazing about. She's been kept home for the last few days and I took her out for a walk this afternoon. On the walk she was more than content to just move at a regular, slow pace, sniffing around, with no attempt whatsoever to run (highly unusual)....and then she spent the rest of this afternoon seeming exhausted. I have a vet appointment for her scheduled for Friday. Hopefully it's nothing horrible, but I have a sneaking suspension that at only 4.5 years, she might be in retirement.
---M's gearing up for his trip to Taiwan and has started clearing stuff out of his room. He's going to store some easy stuff and his jeep here, but the heavier stuff is going to a storage unit. This way if I do end up moving I can easily move the stuff that is here someplace else. I had a (very needing seeming) roommate lined up....and who fell through...frustrating. Currently I have a gal who is intending to rent out the guest room for one to two months and she should arrive mid month. M intends to leave his bed so my parents can stay in there when they visit. I still have an ad posted and am actively recruiting for additional housemates. If I could rent BOTH rooms for a couple months, then rent would be no problem.
---I joined instagram. Pinterest is making me very happy. And I'm cutting back (again) on Facebook...
---As long as this new housemate moves in, then I should be able to at least pay my bills until the end of June between my two current pay checks. The perk of being anti-social is that a) my gas bill is less and b) I'm (re) learning how to survive on about $150 for food/groceries each month! I also checked and realized that my car and my student loans are prepaid for several months. I absolutely do not want to not pay those, but in an absolute worst case scenario, I could skip one or two payments if the funds did not exist. I sold a couple items on craigslist and so my newest approach for gas/groceries has been only to pay for those with cash.
---Last Thursday, M and I had granny over for dinner. I had been at a conference downtown all day, so I scooped her up on my way back to the house. I'd given M a heads up so he made sure to vacuum and had started the dinner I'd suggested (stuff we already had). Granny drank a glass of wine while we finished cooking, then we ate dinner at the table until I could convince her to spend some time enjoying the amazing evening out on the upper patio. I think altogether she had a great time!
---My parents are coming on Monday and I'm looking forward to it. Dad's going to spray the weeds and help me get the raised beds ready. And I'm hopeful I can con Mom into maybe sewing me some new drapes. Their trips are always quick, but I'm always glad to have them!
I'm sure I'm missing things, but I think that's mainly it in a nutshell. There are good moments, stressful moments, but they're all life moments. While I know it's not noticeable yet, I DO have a goal to start turning my neutral face into more of a smiling face....cause hey, a smile is much more becoming!
Hope you all have been well!