Hometown Beach Run

My father's predictions of the weather are rarely off, but this morning luckily the sun showed it's face much longer than predicted. While the dogs and I had already put in some decent mileage Thursday, I decided that we needed to embrace the good weather and also do some mileage along the beach shores. Horsefall beach is more of your "true" beach with long open, flat coastline perfect for running and while I was in high school, they'd truck us athletes out for training by having us run mileage down the shore. Back in those days, 17 minutes one way was killer and I was counting down the minutes til we could turn around and head back to the bus :)

Today however was gorgeous:

With barely any other souls on the beach (although we did come across a handful of ATVers), the dogs had a blast just running free and we ended up going farther than I originally intended.

We ran until mile 4.4 where there was a sign posted for "no motorized vehicles, dogs, or kites beyond this point" and some big antenna were located there. I'd stopped to look for whole sand dollars and shells a couple times en route to the turn around (and did lots of processing of thoughts regarding dating, life, etc at this point as well) but we averaged a 9:44 or 10 minute pace into the wind. I knew my watch was about dead (and I left the charger in Portland), so was just hopeful that I'd make it close to the beach access spot where we'd parked before it finally shut off. (It died a mile out from the end which was good enough in my book!)

With the wind pushing us on and the sun on our faces, our return pace was 8:34 min/miles. With the tide coming back in, several times we ended up running through gentle waves, especially when I got hit by a decent sized one when I turned to wave to a passing ATV rider! :) About mile 6ish and once I'd no longer been looking, I glanced down at my feet and there it was...my almost perfect sand dollar. I scooped it up and held it gently in my free hand as we made the final distance back in. The timing of noticing it was perfect to the thought that had just passed through my mind....and I couldn't help but think to myself...."There it is, there's my heart (and my sign)...and solid and full it is...." There's a tiny, tiny hole but it's more than good enough for my liking.

And now, it's joined the other shells and collected items that reside in my car where they continually remind me of that which matters...the little natural, simple elements of life....that frequently appear just when we stop striving and pushing to make it so. 

Holiday Highlights

The week heading into Christmas, I felt myself on a downhill slide...and I mean, downhill.

But my first day in my hometown I loved being there....and then the next three days were R-O-U-G-H. Imagine your worst teenage angst....and then picture yourself feeling and behaving that way now-ha.ha.ha. I never thought I'd be so glad to get back to Portland but I was...

The good news is I survived Christmas....if you want to call it that. (I think this year, I mainly just tried to pretend that it really wasn't Christmas). I had some soul-to-soul teary honesty about my current status with my parents in the kitchen on Christmas Day, including having to ask them for help (which I hate). My brother had triggered a melt down the night before, but then realized what was going on and totally wrapped himself around me the rest of the time back home (he's been there, he gets it, but we females in the fam do a good job of wearing a facade over what's really going on inside so it's not like he knew how fragile I was to begin with....).

The best moments of the week included:

--- hosting my parents in my house one night while they came to visit Granny. I deep cleaned away the dust and fur that they're allergic to, washed the bedding and set them up in the king size bed, and provided them apple strudel french toast for breakfast the next morning. Plus it was kind of fun camping out with the dogs in the front room and sleeping on the futon.

--- Dad had Mom ride with me on the four hour car ride south, so we were able to get most of our catching up in during the car trip and I think she enjoyed having someone to ride with who would chat with her.

--- Two runs. A 6 miler when I ran to the bridge and back and then a 3.5 mile loop. Both days felt great and the dogs enjoyed being able to stretch their legs too. Dad also was a trooper and let me borrow his Iphone so I could listen to Pandora for the long run.

--- Two great visits with my aunt and my cousin. I don't think I've seen this cousin in the last five years...and I'd forgotten how much of a hoot he is. It was great visiting with the two of them and getting to catch up with his wife and meet his kiddo on the second visit.

--- An evening catch-up session with one of my great high school gals. We've both had a tough year and so every time we can get together, it's so nice to be able to connect, relate, and just offer support to each other. Plus it didn't hurt that our drink tab was "anonymously" picked up by an older gentleman.

--- A quick visit with my gal D and her babe E--always great to see her even if briefly.

--- Christmas Eve dinner with Mom, Dad, my bro, and his (ex) wife....and the conversation over wine and dessert that ensued surrounding the table afterwards---just like old times. Granny would have been proud that there was actually a dinner "hour."

--- Mom made her regular tradition of whole-wheat cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning....and she even surprised me by having two frozen pans that I could transport home to make. She also took me grocery shopping for snacks and high protein foods, and spent most her time making sure I was putting enough sustenance in my body.

--- Insights. Realizations that I am so much a product of my family (although not sure how I feel about it all). Hearing my Dad say that the divorce doesn't have to be thought of as a failure and that they are proud of me anyway. Realizations that I'm still making the transition from D and I being a family to being okay with being alone....outside of my family of origin.

--- Coming back to Portland. The housemate was glad to have some company when I arrived on Christmas evening....and I polished off the night with the rest of the bottle of wine while watching (and appreciating) The Christmas Carol (Scrooge is a hoot!).

--- Catching up with my out-of-state gals. Part of the reason I came back earlier than usual was to be able to visit with two of my Portland friends who don't live here anymore..and it was seriously great to see both of them. I met Christina and our mutual PDX friend Erin for lunch at a Thai restaurant downtown and then met up with Carla and her fiance at Sasquatch Brewery in SW in the evening. So nice to see them and to hear of where they're at in their recent lives (most of my friends and I don't talk consistently....but it's always a natural transition back whenever we see each other).

And then there was a great afternoon back home when the dogs got to run around at one of their favorite places:

Always admist the seemingly unending gray, little pockets of sunshine do exist. 

In the last two days I've found myself being much more pro-active and trying to clear some more of the fog away. I have to say that the last few weeks have taught me to be much more understanding and empathetic of what it's like to get lost amongst being lost. And it feels funny to say but in some ways I feel like I just "broke-up" with my ex-husband again this week---not that there was anything really romantic still in existence but I/we just made it clear that it's time for us to be completely separate entities for a long while. And honestly, in so doing, I feel like my vision has cleared up a bit. Each night I've applied for a new job and searched for many more. I'm still currently registered to take classes but I'm exploring my options, as part of me feels the need to pay down debts and do something new and different for a while. I'm back to checking off the little to-dos, focusing on the mid-size ones, and in the back of my mind planning for could-be fun outings (ie April trip to San Antonio? would mark one year from the separation, one year from my last trip there, and would allow me to see Little Big Town in concert!). There are still lots of unknowns, still lots of decisions I need to be making in the next few weeks, but somehow I feel better about it....and that (I'm learning) makes a world of difference.

While it maybe wasn't the "best" holiday, it was still nice to be with family and friends.....and I truly hope that each of you had an enjoyable Christmas filled with merriment!

Hometown Weekend Highlights

What a great long weekend at home y'all! First time I'd felt ready to head down there for any length of time since so many memories exist down there, but it was time...and it was restorative in so many ways.

Reason #1 I headed south: THIS GAL:

My best gal, who is more like a sister to me than anything else. We've been friends through the best and some of the worst for 15 years, and while we've had lots of great moments, it also hasn't always been pretty between us. The biggest irony is the last four years have changed both of us in many ways and we've finally come to admit that we've probably always been more alike than we ever cared to admit. I love this girl more than words can express. She's my biggest cheerleader, accepts me for who I am, and is not afraid to tell me the hard honest truth. I'm so thankful for our years of friendship, I'm SO proud of the woman/mama/wife she's become, and I honestly can't wait to see where the future takes her. (And somehow she agreed to have her picture on the blog...no take backs girl! ha!)

But all that was to say that she, her hub, and babe have been in Oregon visiting. I spent one mid-day with them at her parent's place during the week, but then headed down to spend the long weekend in our original hometown together. Lots of great moments, including:

--First Friday Wine Walk downtown---totally neat to see our community getting in on this action. Mom was also going with her women's group, so I got to spend time with both Mom and D's in-laws...drinking lots of vino and checking out the local businesses.

--D's also been running (remember, she got my butt out of bed and re-motivated to run while I was in Savannah?), and we had a great run together on Thursday afternoon after I first got into town. Fun to be "training together" across the distance now!

--J's (her hub & my good buddy) mom has an annual Harvest party, so Saturday evening I headed to join them there. J and Tall D share a best friend, so all our mutual friends were there also. After D left, I spent some quality time catching up with D's lil sis and then with Tall D's "fam," and ended the evening with some good convo with J around the fire pit. It was so nice to catch-up with many of my favorite hometown people at one event, and the conversation with the "fam" was really needed and informative....and led me to decide that... yes, I will sign the papers.

Reason # 2: My Parents

This is from last Christmas, but we look the same for the most part...

What can I say? I'm blessed with some amazing parents. Sure we still butt heads about things and Dad will forever feel the need to tell me where and when it's safe for me to do x, y, and z....but my parents are some of the most steady, most supportive people I know. They might not agree with every choice I've made in the last five years, but they will not cease to love me anyway...and they continue to be proud of the woman I've become, even with recent failures and faults. In fact, my father knows my faults so well that he will warn me ahead of time "Remember, be nice" and "Take your time and maybe you shouldn't date for awhile" being some recent gems in the last six months. In his quiet way, Dad's not afraid to tell me how it is either. :)

So a few thoughts and awesome moments regarding my parents this weekend:

--They always spoil me with a trip to my favorite restaurant in town when I visit. Can we say amazing sushi and salads, please? Yum.

--Wine Walk with Mom. I know I already mentioned this, but until recently Mom hasn't been able to drink alcohol. While alcohol isn't a huge deal, it's been fun to be able to do things like this Wine Walk with mom cause she is able to partake these days. FUN!

--Their love of the dogs. You might think this isn't a big deal, except it is. My dad's never been a huge fan of us "kids" bringing our dogs to visit....however because Tall D did such a good job training our girls, Dad actually has come to love my dogs. As in he even asked if I would bring them...and then spent 20-30 minutes the first afternoon hanging with them outside...and even pet Anna's head when we put them to bed in the back of his truck one night. 

--Afternoon beach trip with Dad AND dogs. I had planned to take the dogs to a different beach than usual to run them one afternoon and Dad came along. Again, he rarely comes to the beach and the fact that he rode in the car with the dogs (he's actually allergic) was pretty big. He took pictures while the dogs and I headed down for a very short beach run, and then he met us on the beach on our return. Memorable...and truly awesome. These are the little moments that matter.

--Church on Sunday. Dad runs the projector and sound equipment these days. Mom and I sat in the pews. (Both my parents are heavily involved and/or employed by the church.) The message was good. It was communion Sunday, which I've been itching for, and for the second Sunday this fall, Amazing Grace was sang, causing me to choke back tears. (This was also what Mom would sing to me as a child...)

--And right before I left, Dad gave me a quick tutorial on how to use the Mikita he was passing on to me and we chatted about needed tools, etc. We'd also discussed what I need done around the house, so he and my brother will be rerouting the TV hook-up for me and hanging a few things....

ADDITIONAL THOUGHT: I'm trying to remember to take time to CHERISH the moments with my parents. This trip just reminded me yet again that my parents are truly, well, grandparents and nearing 70...and they won't be here forever. While they frequently make me feel like I'm 16 again, sooner rather than later....my siblings and I will be the ones taking care of them.....

Reason #3: Other Family and Friends

1) I grabbed breakfast with an old buddy of mine and then accompanied him to an estate sale. Being a small town, his cousin and her hub came to the same restaurant and joined us for half our meal. :) Our families have been (church) friends for years and beyond our long-time friendship, there was always an unexplored interest between us that was kind of being questioned when I met Tall D. I'd been looking forward to clearing the air and restoring a friendship, but ironically, the morning did feel a little date-like only making me realize a) again I'm not wanting/ready to date b) I'm enjoying refinding who I am and what I want c) I still want the same qualities in a partner that I'd wanted 4 yrs ago and d) any questioning about my buddy was answered. Was great to reconnect with him though and I hope he and I can continue to recreate our old friendship and support each other through what life grants in the months/years to come.

2) I had coffee with Tall D's lil cousin who needed some support & advice. She was one of my students when I was a student teacher, so it was nice to reconnect and offer some words of support and insight. Tall D is incredibly private, so I'm glad to finally be myself again with our friends and family. Their family is a bit interesting, and I'm so hopeful she'll blaze her way out of the old family patterns. The gal is gorgeous, determined, and incredibly strong-willed; going to be supporting and praying for her however I can.

3) Before heading back on Sunday, I met Brook for a quick lunch. We hadn't connected since our roadtrip to Arizona, so there was lots of updating on both sides. Always great to spend some quality time with another "rock"---so love that gal. I'm blessed to have friends that no matter how much time passes, it's like no time at all when we do get together. (Of course, after 17 years....a few months truly is "no time!")

4) I also briefly was able to check-in with my other best hometown gal's "lil" brother who now lives across from my parents. Always so nice to see him doing well and happy in life...and to warn him to prepare for 600 trick-or-treaters. ;)

Beautiful drive both ways, especially with the trees just starting to turn on the back highways. Tried to stop both on the way down and up to see Granny, but she was out and about each time! And I'm pretty sure I ate more in the four days of this trip than I had in the entire week prior--still stuffed!

Hope you had a good weekend too!