This month is only half over and yet it feels like it's already held SO MUCH SORROW. I'm sure y'all are ready for me to stop being depressed, but I ain't gonna lie folks--there's a lot of anger and grief pent up in this lady....and maybe some touches of regret these days too.
Beyond the loss of such a great man on Friday (who still is so forefront on my mind and heart), Tall D and I also sat down to have THE conversation...in which he finally told me that he is for sure, 100% done with the marriage and any repair attempts. Ironically, I'm not done and I don't feel that we've ever truly given the marriage our all nor attempted to repair it rationally, so I do not feel comfortable signing any divorce papers. I still believe that it deserves a fighting chance, I feel we both need to attend counseling to work through our individual issues, and I believe in the marriage we stated we desired to have originally. However, having been able to have both of us state our sides, I do feel slightly more at peace about the whole situation. The courts will still grant him his wish even if I never agree to it. I've been praying for both of us and for restoration of the marriage (and of us to God) for several weeks now and there are a lot of other people praying as well. I truly believe that our lack of spiritual involvement throughout the duration of our marriage (although not as it started) has a lot to do with the unhappiness that settled into us individually and into our marriage. I know that God can fix anything, but I also am well aware of purposeful unanswered prayers......and thus, in general, the tears just keep right on coming.
Thus the weekend was a hard one emotionally grieving both for the loss of a wonderful man and the upcoming loss of a marriage, while also trying to support Tall D in his own grief without overstepping the boundary safety net that he continually has to protect him. In reality, I don't know that he'll ever truly know all the faith and small supportive steps that occurred on his behalf this weekend. And I'm not going to lie, it was equally good for me to be around him and his apartment mates throughout this weekend.
In our family it seems that some years we get slammed with more downers than uppers and this year has been a hard one. I don't want to disclose too much but let's just say my divorce would make #2 in the immediate family and we've had lots of health set-backs for various family members with most of these difficulties occurring in the last two months. Plus we're looking at needing to move Granny into a more individually focused facility....but of course we're meeting opposition. Tack on this devastating loss of one of the military family....and it's just been a challenging year all around.
However in the midst of the sorrowfulness, there still continue to be blessings in the mix. I joined my cousin and her husband for church this morning and immediately wished that Tall D and I would have selected to attend that service when we first relocated. The atmosphere, music, and message were all fabulous...and I even didn't feel too awkward crying through 1/2 of the service. The church itself has a great mission focus and the message was one that of course related in many ways to current personal events. And for the first time ever this weekend, I prayed hands on for someone else...and was glad to have my cousin pray for and on me after the church service today. I honestly and (yet still sadly) know that part of this separation and probable divorce has been God grabbing me back into his fold and wanting me to get closer to some of the things that I've always felt Him calling me to do, which ironically in the beginning Tall D always supported me doing too. I'm hopeful to continue with Sundays at this church...and maybe get involved in some other ways too. (Coming full circle, it's also ironically the same church that my landlords are key leaders in as well...)
Additionally, I finally really connected with the new counselor consult I had yesterday and I plan to start regularly seeing her weekly to begin. I'm not always a fan of paying for an initial consult, but I seriously didn't mind yesterday since I left with some great reflections and insights including:
---Listen to and trust yourself, do what feels right aka don't sign the papers, be okay with the uncomfortable decision to stay put recognizing that I'll figure out the next step when I'm ready
---It's good to have a trusting relationship with God
---Be present in the sorrow and let the tears flow. It's better to grieve than to not.
---Probably not a good idea to have a stranger move in since my current state might skew my intuition of safety
---DO NOT DATE until I've worked through my own issues, settled back into a peaceful place, allowed time to pass, and fixed my picker...
I'm really looking forward to continuing to work with her.
Running seems to be the one thing that keeps me from crying....so after not running throughout most the end of the week and weekend...and with some new frustrations earlier this evening...I pounded out a new 5.4 mile loop with some major sprinting at the end....and for once even felt like I probably could have put in a bit more distance to boot. And then of course, the tears fell off and on throughout the evening.....luckily tomorrow evening is supposed to be my new weekly set run with G--so we'll see how I do with him.
And with that Mom's here again. Technically she's here for a conference on Tuesday, but she's also here to help support me. She'd wanted to come on Thursday after a tearful morning conversation, but instead will be here for a few days before heading back home. I'm so glad she's been able to come up when needed this summer/fall however....and I continue to feel the love and support of so many in my daily life...near and far. Mom also spoiled me with a lil requested retail therapy right after her arrival tonight and I now have some new large frames to put pictures of my travels in to replace the shelves we had lining the fireplace in the living room. She also got us a box of easy start logs so I don't have to hassle with limited firewood. Thanks Mom!
I'm sure the next few weeks and months are going to continue to be trying, especially as the divorce moves toward final and Tall D eventually comes to collect the rest of his things lingering in corners of the house. I know we're also going to butt heads over ownership of one of our dogs, although the rest of the household animals will be left in my care...even if those silly chickens have suddenly taken a vacation from eggs! Yet, as dumb as it is, I will continue to pray for healing and restoration of our hearts and marriage...and attempt to focus on the supports and blessings that daily exist in my life. Plus...I've got to get moving on prepping for the new term--starts next week!