---Morning until early afternoon included making applesauce and apple butter from the rest of the apples. Also harvested the tomatoes and carrots from the raised beds, cleaned out the chicken boxes, and texted my brother about helping me build some winter cover for one raised bed so I can try a winter garden.
---Afternoon....I lost it....again, so I let the tears fall hard, cuddled with the dogs, and then leashed them up and made a solo PR for distance with 7 miles...only to come home and lose it some more.
----Headed to aunts to get extra tomatoes as our harvest was lacking...and ended up staying for dinner, wine, and supportive conversation.
----Came home, pressure canned the morning goods, and then cuddled with both dogs on the bed...Anna even shared my pillow and had her arms entwined in mine...which never happens. Couldn't fall asleep for hours though.
---Woke up early to sunlight streaming in. Lay in bed texting with my best friend...and checked FB message with my old boss about potential hire opportunity.
---Got up, made coffee, vacuumed the house and dusted, and for the first time in weeks opened the door and blinds in the front empty bedroom where some of Tall D's extra stuff is housed. Decided to let the sun shine in there.....and I had a moment of clarity with some thoughts that were still processing (mainly needing to purge his stuff from the house if he's truly done, reassessing the reality that he'd admitted in April he couldn't treat me like I deserved, reviewing actions taken early in the summer and during the marriage, etc etc).
---Headed out for errands: farmers market, Target, and Freddies. At Farmers Market scored produce to make sauce and salsa, including splitting a box of tomatoes with another couple (awesome!). Browsed through antique store still looking for that perfect buffet/bar. And on the way back to the car....ran into Tall D and the new lady he's not been admitting to having...introductions and awkward conversation ensued. Target didn't have the headphones I was looking for so I happily left empty-handed and then picked up some more replacement groceries at Freddies.
---Got home and texted friends and family...and headed out for therapy appt.
---So glad I found this lady! Helped me through more grief but also is encouraging me to remember just how unhappy I actually was in my marriage (as are my friends trying to help remind me of the same thing...). Reported I've actually made huge strides in where I am between the two sessions and sent me home with homework: a list of what made me unfulfilled in the marriage and a list of things I feel I need to forgive myself on....umph. Reminded me that regardless of how I coat it...divorce IS a failure...but that letting go and getting back to the me I used to be and CAN be...can open me up to something new and something better.
---Headed to aunt & uncle's for Beaver's game. Aunt forced food into me---grr. Beavers won! Lots of open conversation ensued.
---Came home to hang out with dogs and get in a run with them. Smoothie, shower, blog, texting with more of my support network....and then back to watch the Oregon game!
Tomorrow I'm headed to church with my cousin and her husband again, and then I plan to work over these tomatoes and spend some major time loving on the dogs. I've told Tall D that he needs to find his own canner, clean out the rest of his stuff from the house/garage, and return my house key. I'm still not going to sign, but depending on what all he writes in, I might contest a few potential items...
Altogether it's been an interesting day...not sure exactly how I feel. Bit of continued sorrow and grief, some renewed anger, and in smaller doses acceptance. I've been noticing myself returning to some of my old single behavior patterns the last few days however (like Saturday morning Cs: coffee, conversation, & cleaning) and I've also been starting to think about other ways to utilize all the space in the house. One other thought that hit me last night is how much I truly do want to be a spouse and a mother...I'm the type of person who has so much love to give and I just need to meet someone who actually wants to receive and reciprocate it. Eventually, once I've regained myself, maybe that might just happen....but I'm glad to feel myself thinking through all these things again.
Off to watch the Oregon game---GOOO DUCKS! :)