Sunday, September 23, 2012

A Transition Sunday

This morning I woke up at 6:47am...and lay in bed for the next hour...just thinking, feeling, existing.

This morning I got on Pinterest in the first time in over a week--finally feeling ready to enjoy some frivolous but fulfilling project surfing.

This morning I got out of bed at 8:20am and fed the cobs from my aunt's to the chickens..and listened to them coo excitedly in their boxes. I took the time to notice the amazing yet empty cobweb glistening between the tree branches in the back yard--a hole right in the upper middle but still completely beautiful in its own right.

This morning I fed the dogs and patted them both on the head...thinking of how happily Anna sniffed through the fallen leaves on our jog yesterday.

This morning I savored my coffee no longer flavored with creamer...returning again to more of my old single ways...and I focused on dressing and putting my face on for church. The Christian music playing in the background of the house this morning...filling the space but bringing tears of sadness to my eyes.

This morning I put the dogs out and loaded myself into the Sorento headed for church.

This morning I sat among the rows of a packed service...fulfilled to be sitting next to my cousin and her husband and to be surrounded by hundreds of other believers. I listened to the words coming out of the preachers mouth but also let my mind wander in the directions it chose to follow...frequently wondering and praying for the one I need to work on going away from.

This noon I threw all pre-set plans out the window until later and headed with my aunts and cousins to the Oktoberfest Wine Festival at St Josef's. The car shook with laughter on both the journey in and upon our return. The wine flowed, good music played and dancing ensued, and smiles graced our faces.

This afternoon I was dropped off by my aunt I'm closest to...and who told me the truth that I needed to hear that it's time to just truly let him go....that I need to stop supporting and befriending, stop trying to put my heart out in his way. Who held my face and told me that I truly deserved better whether or not I'm ready to believe in just how awesome a catch I am....and who let my tears fall knowing that's what needed to finally be done. Her hard honest truth is the type that she knows I need in order to move forward....all after walking the front yard discussing what I could do for landscaping.

This afternoon I changed into work out gear and sweated out the wine and pent up emotions to another round of Pure Cardio Insanity.

This evening I picked up the backyard and chatted briefly with the backyard neighbors...answering their cautious questions... and appreciated their gift of MORE tomatoes...and supportive thoughts.

This evening I rescheduled tomorrow's run with G in order to participate in my double booking of happy hour with some of the girls.

This evening I chopped peppers, tomatoes, onions, and zucchinis to saute down into pasta sauce for pressure canning with tomorrow's salsa, while listening to Christian radio on Pandora and researching salsa recipes online.

This evening I sat on the floor of the kitchen with sauce a'simmerin' trying to remove the sadness from my dog Anna's eyes by giving her as much love and cuddling as humanly possible. She relished the scratches and hugs and for a few moments happiness graced her and she covered me in kisses. Transitions effect all creatures great and small...and extra bones and treats and cuddles will be provided on the regular. Whether her sadness is directly from missing her alpha male...or is a continued byproduct of the sadness seeping out of me, I'm not entirely sure.

This evening I scratched the head of Lady for a good five minutes, who also decided that this is her week day of needing attention.

Tonight I'll take a shower washing away the events of the day...and hopefully be able to sleep better than I have the last two days. Tonight Roxi will curl up next to me like she has every day since my return from summer travels...and Anna will sleep direct at the foot of the bed with an eye on the door--always the protector and watcher.

Today I contemplated more additional changes that could be made to the rental to make me feel less like its still "our" space...and more like it's MY and the animals space. Today I texted Tall D and asked him to give me a date to remove the rest of his stuff and to return the key to the house. Today I worked on cutting ties and moving forward....and I'm sure tomorrow will be more of the same....


  1. Good for you! It is obviously a difficult time, but being able to make some decisions to move forward is great. Being in a time of uncertainty is always difficult, and to sit in that place of pause before a decision is actually made - not the best for emotions. But, once you actually start moving forward, all will fall into place :-)

    1. Thanks gal--each step is one step at a time. Sometimes there is a half pause or a half step back..but I just keep having to go forward. And you are so right--the worst place was that inbetween time and that place also of losing what I most wanted. But life doesn't always give us what we want it seems...