....and you know how I know? Cause every.single.day this week (and 4x today alone) I've heard on the radio this specific country song that the ex used to put on his mixes cause he could never get himself to say the things the song specifies.....and you know what? I've just sung along and enjoyed the song, and most of the time the song is over 70% through before I even remember which song it is....
....but it also might be because I'm being proactive in life again. I'm making lists each day and checking things off as I complete them. I'm applying for jobs, I've posted and emailed for housemates, and I've called the neighbors to tell them that they're going to have to deal with my dogs again because I refuse to keep them cooped up inside when the weather's nice. I've told the naturopath that I took myself off all her supplements and I want a food-based diet "fix" and I've told them that I'm coming less frequently because I can't afford it. I've also told the ex that after not living here for seven months he needs to relocate the rest of his stuff or I'll donate it, change his address officially, and finally tell the military that we aren't married.
....or it might be because I'm doing things like hosting dinner parties solo, having real heartfelt honest conversations with my parents again, I'm reaching out to friends in ways I didn't for a long time, I'm socializing and being authentic in the process with where I am and what life used to be like and where I want it to go....
....I'm enjoying the sunshine falling through the trees and I'm opening the curtains and letting the light stream in. I'm cleaning off the patios, picking up the backyard, dusting the picnic table and envisioning a new stain color, and daydreaming of the summer hosting season and the potential for what could be in the raised beds.
....I'm making sure to take time among the uncertainties to enjoy life. I'm taking the dogs on afternoon jogs, spontaneously zipping T off to the soaking pool for relaxation (and to work on easing her concussion pain!), and enjoying those mid-week solo snowshoe opportunities.
...I'm being true to my professional goals and thinking about long term lifestyle desires. I'm responding to student emails asap and being an organized instructor. I'm emailing old supervisors to let them know where I'm at and how much I appreciate their support.
....I'm saying something to the big one upstairs each day, even if it's just a little hey G, don't forget about me please...you know the desires and hopes of my heart.....
....I'm gathering opinions, weighing them and holding them up to the light, and then making decisions for myself that make the most sense....and with that, I'm just going to put it out there...I totally went and created an online dating profile. My girlfriends are secretly looking forward to enjoying this vicarious experience without having to the be the one to do it, but let me just tell you.....in the last 24hrs, it's been great for my ego. I mean, obviously I shouldn't base my self-confidence off what other people tell me, but after being married to a man who for three years treated me more like his sister than a woman/wife, it's nice to get some validation that I just might sorta still be a catch. :) And no worries, I'm being level-headed about this...I'm looking at it as an opportunity to get to see what's out there again without really looking for the next big thing...and having to explain myself to others....sort of as a means to have to prove that I do still know myself. I know this might sound funny, but I'm seriously really excited about this experience....let's see if I still feel that way at the end of three months. (Oh ps my frugal side totally swept in too, because I ran a search for the site and promo codes and guess what....totally scored!) I've been joking about starting a second blog just to record the process of this whole experience but for now let me just assure that the dude who had a pick-up line of "hey fancy pants" in his email DEFINITELY got deleted...and led me to provide a few more specifics on who should not contact me.
....and I'm feeling my health stabilizing: emotionally, physically, spiritually, nutritionally, mentally. I'm making sure I'm getting enough sleep. I'm resting a few days each week on the exercise front AND finding that I'm feeling much better and recovering faster on the days I do exercise. I'm not monitoring my food or pouring numerous supplements into my body, but instead focusing on snacking on protein foods for mood stabilization and eating regular solid meals. I'm singing to the radio with the windows down. I'm scheduling my time and smiling. I'm surrounded by support of both family and friends...and regardless of how long this job process takes, today I'm feeling immensely and incredibly blessed....and its a great place to be again.
Life ain't perfect by any means and its not going to be, but the last few days I've been feeling better consistently. I'm looking at Fearless on that bathroom mirror and truly feeling that I might be feeling that way again. Hope y'all are doing well too---sending big hugs to each one of you!