This morning I drank my coffee out of one of my old stand-by mugs: it's seafoam green--one of my favorite colors, a tall cup, and one that I took the time to paint and have fired in my hometown. It was my favorite mug that I had in my first solo apartment in 2005 and I've continued to keep it even though....it's broken. The handle broke off in a dishwasher unloading accident not too long after I made it--but it still holds coffee, it still is beautiful, and it is the perfect shape to wrap my hands around. The parts where the handle affixed are a stark white in comparison, bumpy, and if I'm not careful can poke my skin.....but yet, over the years, I've continued to hold on to and cherish it even with its imperfections.
Late morning I went for a run...I needed to clear my mind and to process even in 50 degrees and non-stop rain. Ironically soon into it I found a perfect rhythm, I put my hood down and took my cap off, and lifted my face into the soothing rain. I stopped over by the bus stop near Intel and filled my cap with nuts dropped from the trees, which I then balled up and stuffed into my sweatshirt pocket, before running the rest of the route with this sack bouncing against my ribs upon my return. I came home and emptied them into the glass hurricane on the counter, replicating a similar fall decor I used in my original downtown apartment in 2007, when life was much simpler and yet much was unknown. The glass vessel is the same one I used to capture Major's "gifts," the same one that let me see that my mouse was actually a rat, and that helped me to purge and dispose (although sadly) of the rodents. The glass vessel now holds something basic yet ornamental--and in some ways the return to an old decor is almost like life coming full circle.
This morning I pushed myself to finish my run even though multiple times I didn't see the point and wanted to quit. To keep going I repeated over and over mantras of things I still need to work on "Divorce is okay," "Everyone fails," "Mistakes teach life lessons," "Accept the reality," although at times I still got hung up and realized that as of yet...I still have not entirely LET GO. The run was completed, the end was sprinted, the knee held out, and although I made less mileage this month than last I still made what I'd hoped to accomplish.
It was a good Friday evening through Monday overall. I pushed myself to attend a Halloween get together with an old undergrad friend--I made small talk even when I didn't want to, I smiled, I chatted, I devoured the most amazing pumpkin martini ever, and I left feeling satisfied that I had done something that I struggle sometimes with doing but that also felt good. Saturday I had my next counseling session where I processed a list of items I'd created....and the evening ended with a new experience with two of my gals: eating Moroccan downtown--delish. Sunday included getting my butt to church and visiting an old high school buddy & his family who I haven't dedicated much time to in the last year. I finished my grading in record time that night and spent the rest of the evening just enjoying life and loving on my critters. Monday was just as productive with three hours in the yard, a good catch up and run with G, & then dinner at my favorite pub with G...and Tall D. And the weekend taught me that I don't necessarily miss the marriage...but I definitely miss the companionship. Yet life goes on. We enjoy, we relish, we push ourselves in new ways.
....and four days after we filed, judgment on the divorce was granted. Notification arrived yesterday....that I've been divorced since Friday. Ironically...even when you sign and you know it's coming....its reality still feels....well, strange. Divorced? Who me? But yes, that's now my real reality....
And while some would debate me on this, I can't help but think that someone greater than all of us granted this transition in life to happen and in fact, gave it His blessing. In a county known for weeks to months for divorces to be granted...this one took four days...maybe I'm seeing signs where they don't exist, but these days I need all the signs I can get.
Still accepting, still embracing, still transitioning.....but the reality of life is....one door is shut and it's time to step across the threshold to see what the future will hold......
...although my therapist did put the kaboosh on any dating for 1-1.5 years :)