I know y'all are probably getting tired of reading about my divorce...so let me just tell you that it will probably be wrapping up here sooner than later...and if you don't want to read anymore divorce talk, then feel free to skip this post! :)
Tonight I finally had an aha moment about why I haven't been wanting to sign divorce papers. I realized over the last one to two weeks that I've had some hang-ups regarding signing but I wasn't exactly sure why. I mean yes, I definitely still do love and care for this man who is still legally my husband, and honestly in the good moments, the moments are really, really good. But I'm not dumb, so I know that I need someone who will love me as deeply as I love him, someone who will want to be my partner on all levels, someone who will cherish me....and as much as he's tried at times...that someone hasn't been Tall D.
I've had people pointing out to me the last few weeks all the ways I was unhappy and unfulfilled in my marriage and reminding me of all the hurtful actions that were present or lacking in my marriage. I had my aunt tell me in that honest moment to just stop, be stronger & better, and walk on. I had my therapist assign me "homework" of creating a list of all the things I didn't like about the marriage. And yet, I still have been hanging on to this notion of NOT wanting to sign.
Yes part of it is that I believe in change. I believe in Tall D. I believe in who he wanted to be...and I believe that that is still who he will become....but it just won't be with me....and that makes me sad, so extremely sad. I honestly almost hate the knowledge that the man I waited years to be with and who I found and yet who couldn't be that man with me long term will in fact probably turn out to be that same man I loved...just with someone else. This summer when I've spent too much time thinking about that...that's when I've been at my lowest points.
But honestly tonight it also finally dawned on me....that I have been hung-up on failing. There was a couple sentence exchange that occurred with the therapist over a week ago, where I was trying to twist this notion of failure....and I remember her looking straight at me and telling me that no matter how I coat it, no matter who files against who, divorce IS STILL A FAILURE....and those words hit home, even if I didn't show it. I didn't know why at the time, but tonight I finally realized that I don't think I've ever really failed at anything in my life, and especially nothing I really believed in. Sure I've ended relationships, quit or occasionally didn't get jobs, or turned down other opportunities, but even when something has been tough, I've almost always seen my contract/commitment/obligation through to the end. And usually through all that difficulty or the frustration of continuing until the contract was over, I've always learned something from it and in so many ways have become the version of myself that I needed to be to meet other needs down the road. Thus in this situation, I truly hate this notion of failing....and of quitting without even really feeling like we've tried everything possible to save it.
Because one thing is for certain...I've always been an achiever, a dreamer, and someone who can get things done. I've never been a failure.....and I don't ever like being a quitter.
....I guess some labels I'm just going to have to get used to.....