Monday, November 5, 2012

Happy Its November: Disappointments & Gratitudes

...and where has time gone? Those of you who know me or have been long-time readers know that a bit of a quiet spell means one of two things, either I got really busy or I'm not wanting to talk. This quiet spell was more of the later than the former, and while I've had plenty to say, I haven't wanted to process or share much at all.

So what's been up?
Well let's start with the frustrating stuff and end on good notes:

  • I didn't get either of the two jobs I had applied for....and that I was banking on financially. While Portland is an incredibly competitive market, I'm not going to lie, I was really surprised and let down that I didn't get either one. I'd had mixed thoughts about one of the positions and the job I really wanted reported that I was a phenomenal candidate who they wanted to hire, but it still was a huge let down, especially for larger fundamental reasons....mainly being that I was really trying to put my trust in God that all was going to unfold easily. Trusting life/God/people isn't one of my strengths generally and usually I make safer decisions (ie I don't live off savings or acquire extra debt, I don't spend money to follow dreams, I take the first job offered, and I move/ go back to school at the first inclination of uncertainty of life rather than stay put....), but this time around I decided to take an alternative route that I thought was more grounded in my faith. Needless to say Thursday-Saturday of last week was a lot of disappointment, trying to keep myself from heading into a rabbit hole, and generally trying to avoid really thinking about it. 
  • I've continued to realize that I have a lot of unresolved frustration/anger at Tall D and myself (and as I learned this weekend, at God as well), which only increases when life feels uncertain. While Tall D was incredibly supportive in a lot of ways this last week, I'm also cognizant of the reality that, for a time, we probably should not be routinely interacting much.
  • Sometimes having six animals in the suburbs seems a bit overwhelming, especially now that the cats and chickens are back to being completely dependent on me for their feeding & other needs. It's usually during these periods that something else also occurs...such as the rat issue or the current ant infestation....never ends. :)
  • Friday evening one of my gals came over for some quality time and support, as she's looking at a potential break-up with a longtime partner in her life. She picked up take-out from a Mexican food cart and after eating, we sat in front of the fireplace drinking wine and just chatting. She only stayed a couple hours but it was the perfect amount of time to lift her up in the ways that I could and also enjoy her companionship. She didn't ask too many questions about the most recent let-down and she let me share as I wanted about Tall D, while we discussed the realities and options that she has in front of her own life. It was a moment where I recognized that my own heartache will lead me to better support other individuals in my life throughout the future.
  • Saturday my gal T and I fulfilled one of my fall goals and we went to PSU's football game. It was a lot of fun to be sitting in the stands, drinking beer, and cheering on the guys on the field....even if I was distracted by the reality that Tall D also randomly had tickets and was present at the game. Afterwards she and I headed to one of my favorite happy hour locations and relished reduced rate food & drinks.
  • Yesterday I went to church--even if I wasn't sure I wanted to and in the end, like always, it was exactly what I needed. 
  • Yesterday there was a text exchange between my best gal Deir and myself, in which she called out my anger toward God as one of the underlying current issues. I shared with her that my divorce was a breaking of my heart, where as this recent period of let down and uncertainty feels like a cracking or battle of my soul. Leave it to a lifelong friend to get directly to the point and also force me to realize that sometimes trusting goes beyond immediate circumstances. She helped remind me of things to work on about myself and in explaining my thoughts to her, I also was able to recognize some of my other fundamental issues. (And this is why she thinks I should be paying her rather than an outside counselor. ;))
  • Last evening I finally started pulling myself out of the trenches. I got on craigslist and job sites searching both for jobs and housemates. I created a housing ad, emailed options, and applied for a (not likely but potential) job. I bookmarked other jobs and organizations to explore further. I explored the financial reality of attending massage school (ha-NOT likely!) and again looked up prereqs for other medical technical programs. I finally found a syllabus online for my old biostats class so I can argue my math placement at the local community college. I explored costs of going to school, graded the early assignments for the online course I teach, and recognized that I'm transitioning myself into the next stage of action. I realized that I can honestly probably eek by into the beginning of the year if not longer with my current employment and savings, even if it's not the most preferable situation.
And the reality is that even during the last few days I've noticed many of the simple joys of life:
--I'm in love with the leaves covering my backyard and the yards of my neighbors.
--I enjoyed the small blackbird chirping at me yesterday in a parking lot.
--Even while contemplating rehoming the chickens, I got complete joy out of watching them sprint barrel-chested across the yard this week.
--I was stoked beyond belief to learn the new Iphone will convert my talking into written emails. For a verbal processor, this is REVOLUTIONARY!!!
--I relished each sip of the peppermint latte I drank yesterday.
--I remembered to let yesterday's run be focused on FUN rather than pushing for extra mileage...and I high-fived a fellow runner who passed me, something I've always wanted to do. I hope it brought as big a smile to his face as it did to mine.
--I've been amazed at the tenacity of the ants scouring for new food sources.
--I've been warmed and mesmerized by the flicker of the fire.
--Such joy at the sunshine and warmth of yesterday, as I kept the screen doors open filling the house with neighborhood sounds and scents.

It's amazing how animals/humans can feel such contradictory emotions, but even in the midst of disappointment and frustration, gratitude and simple enjoyment still remain. Here's hoping that the right opportunities will present themselves in the next few weeks to month, that patience and trust will regain, and that each of you has been having a pleasant start to this beautiful month of November!

1 comment:

  1. Borax works as a great ant killer...but just be careful of the dogs because they think it is candy :-) When we have ant issues I put a this line around the back of my counters, and anywhere that the kids can't access.