I have a feeling there is a hard, hard road ahead. You know those moments when you think you should be all cried out by now or that your heart can't break anymore than it already has? I'm becoming all too familiar with those moments.
Leading up to my trip to Arizona, Tall D and I had two amazingly pleasant and supportive evenings together. When I was in Arizona, I realized that I was having a good time but that I missed Tall D...or rather hub. I came back wanting the opportunity to sit down and have a conversation about how to make us work, but that opportunity was never truly allowed. For the first time since the separation, I couldn't make a conversation happen and I noticed that I wasn't the same sort of priority. I won't divulge all the details of that week that I was here in Oregon, but let's just say I said too much in other ways when I couldn't get a word in person, I cried too much, I hurt too much, I reacted too much, and for the first time, my attempts to repair weren't really reciprocated nor was there much attempt for anything. Hub made his appearances but I was pretty much left...alone. (This is also when I called for reinforcements and took another long look at myself to remember that I'm not an easy person to be married to either.) Since I'm used to this same ending to all my relationships, since I tend to date the same type of guy (and apparently, without knowing, married the same type too), I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, but based on other interactions with hub, I didn't really expect this....as the shut out that was occurring. My trip to Georgia only further made me want to work on things and I came back truly wanting to compromise. I know there are reasons I married this man. God seriously told me to marry this man (even if lately I haven't felt him wanting me to remain married to this version of this man.....). This man embodied all the traits that I'd been looking for in a partner. For the last month, I've just been wanting the opportunity to tell hub how I feel....
...but I think, like usual, my recognition of the reality of those feelings probably arrived too late. And I probably reacted in anger and fear one too many times. But that's the funny thing about marriage that I keep thinking....there isn't supposed to be a "too many times." And I recognize that's supposed to go both ways.
I also recognize that I forced this separation...because I wanted things to change...I wanted things to get better...and I was tired of being sad all the time and feeling like I wasn't going to be enough. In the beginning, I was seriously taken aback at Tall D's desire to divorce....and I'd also jumped way too soon into something new. After ending that and after Tall D changing his mind, it's taken me a few months to truly sort out my heart. Somewhere, somehow my brain's been wound around this old-fashioned notion that the man is to lead the woman...and I lost parts of myself in all of that. I have also come to realize that I allowed my happiness to be derived from whether or not I was "making" hub happy, when the truth of the matter is that we all have to make our individual selves happy.
For 3.5 years, I've held on to the feeling that hub made me feel when we first met. The fun that we had in those weeks. The confidence, determination, and trust that I felt in the man that I'd married. I loved the way he cared for me, the way he protected me, the way he laughed at my jokes, the way he made me feel like the most amazing woman, and the fact that he always wanted me to know how much he was thinking of me during the day. Hub, in those months, was unlike anyone I'd ever dated and I thought I'd won the moon. I wish that those days never would have ended...and I've been hoping and praying for their return since they vacated. But it's never been 100% hub's fault, I lost sight of myself and the woman he'd married, my judgments were quick and many.
Sometimes we discover truths that uncover new direct lies. Sometimes other truths without explanation break our hearts. Sometimes absence allows for new presence...even if it's not the presence we hoped to transmit. Sometimes we never get the opportunity to truly share how we feel....and other times, it's too late...or was it ever really going to make that difference anyhow? Sometimes we wonder if the other fear that we felt in our heart was the truest truth the whole time.
I've never shared that my biggest fear for years...was that I'd meet the love of my life...and have him leave me. I've always had trust issues with romantically inclined men, but somehow I knew that this day would arrive anyway. I keep hearing from the ones closest to me that if it's not Tall D then there's someone else, but....I'm already so broken, I don't even want to go there. (And in reality the more I'm away from Tall D, the more I realize how no one else could truly ever take his place...nor all the little things that I've grown to appreciate and are so uniquely my husband.) My second biggest fear has been the return of Dad's cancer....and his biopsy was today, so let's hope and pray that two blows don't arrive together. And coming in on a close third more and more....is the reality of mortality.
Somehow I think I've truly lost this man who I promised forever to....and although I frequently wonder if I really ever had him...it's still like a re-opened and unhealing wound.
Tomorrow is my first counseling session. I chose her for her ability to be relateable to me...but also as she seemed like the type that might be a good match for Tall D. But even though he'd leaned originally toward resolving his own stuff, I'm pretty sure that this foray into therapy is going to be a solo venture. ....just like many more ventures.
Today I got out of bed after tossing and turning throughout the night and had cleaned the house by 630am. The boxes were watered and weeded, the animals tended, and after I made a smoothie, I loaded up the dogs and out we headed to tackle another of my fears: solo hiking and heights, thus leading to my first solo summit. I kept myself busy throughout the rest of the day: unpacking, laundry, bills, yard stuff, etc so that hopefully I'd be able to sleep solid tonight. Although my current emotions lead me to be edgy and with a nervous stomach.
How much I wish tonight that original promises were kept, that love truly could overcome all, that marriages sustained, and that the sad future that seems to lay ahead could just be a bad dream instead....
Sorry for the gut wrenching purge from the soul y'all.....