...I'm still just maintaining y'all but it's sort of nice to be happily reclusive, as contradictive as that might sound. Sometimes I just need to hole up and be solo for a while..and I honestly don't know how long this self-imposed seclusion might last, but as of right now...it feels great. I don't have to be anything for anyone else, I don't have to listen, I don't have to give...I can just be...and focus and it's fab-u-lous. This whole experience is making me realize that I need to also spend some time thinking about where I want life to head and who I want to be a part of it as I move forward, because I can't tell you how many times in the last week I've wanted to completely wipe the slate clean and march off into a totally new life, new people, etc.
So what have I been up to...well quite a bit....I've been:
--Getting into a text fight with one of my best hometown friends...who verbally kicked my butt but snapped me out of myself for a bit and made me realize that I truly am tired of other people telling me what and who to be in my life. Ironically, we made up...only for me to again get frustrated....this is just the story of our friendship though.
--I spent Sunday night not sleeping very well due to insomnia which I think is connected to all the stress as of late. I spent Tuesday night dreaming non-stop of my ex only to wake up to a text message from him ....interesting how connected our unconscious sometimes can be to reality. The other nights I've slept hard and fast.
--I've applied for two more great jobs and have one more great one to apply for...all of which have reported that they'll be hiring in June, so please start crossing fingers and praying. I also mailed in my application for a general health/research position with the Air Force to eight different locations across the south (although it doesn't say which/when they're hiring). All things considered, until I do my usual weekend search/applying for jobs over the next few days, I've already applied for 20-25 positions in the last two weeks. Today I also had an orientation meeting for a new part-time (6-10 hr/wk) gig I have for just spring term. It should be just what I need to supplement what I'm currently lacking and get me through until summer but I still need a full-time job in a big bad way come June.
--I've posted at least eight items on Craigslist for sale to try to gain some extra cash and clear out more items from the past, and I also took three bags of stuff to Goodwill and I have about three more bags to take as well. M and I also cleaned out the garage/attic and I became that ex-wife who dropped good's off on her ex's doorstep since every time I tell him I've found more of his stuff, he rarely comes to get it. Purging down to necessities feels incredibly cleansing and freeing though. I've also again priced trading in my cross-over and if necessary, I could do so and make a little off of it.
--My ring finally sold and I got the check in the mail...and directly transferred those funds against my credit card plus a little extra. I also lucked out and my paycheck that I thought was going to leave me short this month ended up being regular size, so I am able to make all my bills this month and pay off my car insurance.
--I've been emailing potential new housemates on Craigslist who have ads posted wanting a short-term room, but I have yet to post my own ad. My parents seem to want me to stay in this house. M has offered to store his stuff in the garage/attic and pay me a storage fee while he's gone if I stay...and he also has a potential part-time housemate for my guest room. But until I feel more secure about staying in the rental, it feels weird to post an ad asking someone else to join the home.
--I'm still in awe at just how different my classes are this term from other terms...and how different they are from each other. Tuesday evening is FULL of chatters and Wednesday evening I have to call on students to get them to speak. The first exam is next week...we're already a third of the way through spring term! Tomorrow I have another training/meeting for the faculty side of things, there's a 3 day conference to attend next week for this new gig, and I have a couple other work engagements plus jury duty before the end of the month. This weekend I also have 100 papers to grade and today I graded the online discussions.
--M's gone up to visit his friends in Washington for the end of this week and his timing couldn't have been more perfect since I have a lot to get done. He's been incredibly busy trying to socialize with all his people before he takes off again (he's only been back in country for two months now), but we're still enjoying our housemate times together. The house is definitely quieter without him right now but makes it easier to get stuff done....and makes me realize that I'm gonna miss him while he's overseas again.
--I've taken a few days off of working out after the ten miler, but both my "easy" runs have been great pacing and mileage for me. I've begun to realize that my five pounds of padding I'm gaining is partly due to finally eating regularly again, tons of stress/cortisol, and the reality that my body is plateauing. I need to make sure my heart rate/breathing is up or that my distance is increased...otherwise these easy runs aren't much of a cardio push these days for weight management purposes. And my run today was a new route---so glad! Oh yea...and this week I may have also tried a bite of M's steak....
--Granny and I had a great visit this evening which also included her insights on my potential for relationships, aka Granny's words of wisdom. 1) I need to be willing to compromise on what I want out of a partner or else... 2) I'm going to end up a spinster and I shouldn't be a spinster. 3) I need to cut some slack both for said potential partner and myself. 4) Apparently my ex also needs to recognize that there is no perfect partner...and both of us need to learn to be content in the future with what is rather than what could be. Sigh, Granny, sigh....but yes, I know these things, yes, I've been thinking lots about this things, and no, I don't expect perfection, although I will probably always have high expectations for myself.
--Oh and I turned Denver down, as in withdrew my admission status. They asked if I wanted to defer until next summer and I've emailed asking whether or not deferral would grant any additional financial incentive...
--I quit book club...at least for the time being. Interestingly I've been reading a ton of books for me, stuff that I want to read and that I've been putting off reading, but mainly I quit because of self-imposed seclusion...I don't want to talk, I don't want to analyze, I don't want to explain or weigh others opinions right now, etc etc. I feel bad, but....it is what it is. And also, I'm honestly not driving anywhere but work these days or prior social obligations that at this point I don't feel I can back out of. I'm not going out for fun, or buying anything new or special...I'm reading books I already own, I'm buying minimal groceries, but ok, ok, I'm splurging on a glass of vino each evening :)
So life...well, right now, it just is. I'm not externally freaking out..and somehow internally freak out is maybe on pause...as in, I'm doing what I can (just about) to my full potential.....even if my obvious attempts to keep my stress at bay are mainly due to cutting everyone out and denial....which manifests itself in irritability, a horrible complexion, and trouble falling asleep at least once a week. But I'm also grateful in a weirdly twisted way...hmm...
Hope y'all have had productive, content weeks!