So while I'm on a word vomit, perhaps dramatic note ;) Here's the update:
Sunday was a struggle. I went to church like I've been doing, I'd gone on a great date the night before, but I realized something about the ex and started having a hard time....and that led me to start thinking about everything else that wasn't going my way. At 11pm, one of my high school best gals called me cause she could tell I needed some phone and God therapy.....and that gal, well she has some sort of magical direct line to God. In what I like to call "a wailing and gnashing of teeth session," (ha--I prewarned you about today's potential dramatic flair) girlfriend gave it to me straight:
1) Forgive yourself. Stop beating yourself up for your failures...and in so doing,
2) What are you NOT listening to what God is saying, because if you're holding back then of course life is going to keep you in a holding pattern,
and 3) Get the ex's stuff out of your house...and live YOUR life.
BOOM! Just like that, I "saw the light." Hahaha okay maybe not quite that extreme but suddenly some things started to make sense....
A) That self-forgiveness piece is going to take some time still, but I also realized that I'm selfishly denying my gifts of working with veterans because I'm still hung up on my personal failures. If I remove self from the equation and instead pursue a potential skill that God has provided, many more options open.
B) IF I choose to try to work with veterans rather than fight it.....then it also makes much more sense of why life may have led me along the path I've walked in the last few years. It might turn what was a crappy situation into....well a situation that was needed in order for me to do potentially good work.
C) This week I put my foot down....the ex's stuff is gone...and it felt so incredibly freeing. Sure four hours later, the realness set in too, but still it's a new life...finally.
SO Monday morning I woke up and over the next twelve hours researched, called, and applied to try to finish my MSW...in Colorado. Application was submitted, transcript requests mailed, and my references contacted. One reference letter was submitted on Wednesday. The other will be sent in after I talk to my contact in depth tomorrow. I might get denied...and I'm not sure that this is 100% the direction I'm to head in....but if the door opens, then I'll try to walk through it. I never saw myself being a true therapist...but here's the thing, veterans tend to talk to me. PTSD episodes don't scare me. And I'm not afraid to tell them how it is. At this point in life, I feel like if I'm led there...then I can do this....and I need the training to be a better service provider.
In 40 minutes I'm also heading out to hear about a fellowship opportunity at the local VA for a position at the programmatic level. It sounds interesting and while I'm not 100% qualified, when I emailed the guy on Monday, he told me to apply anyway. I've also been offered other veteran related contacts for potential leads....and in a meeting downtown yesterday with my former grad boss, I discovered that a new PhD program is in development, of which they hope to have PhD slots funded by GRA/TA positions. My former supervisor was also impressed by the many potential dissertation ideas that I constantly wonder about just in my own head. The first cohort would be admitted Fall 2014, so that's another potential option.
So what else? In the last three days, I've applied to two additional jobs and been forwarded about ten more. I've taught and graded. I'm registered for an interesting conference next week. My new housemate (who knows, he might be a weird-o) moves in today and my parents are coming for the night/tomorrow. I spent Valentine's evening with granny and my aunt and tomorrow I'm hosting my extended family for brunch. The guy I met on Saturday had me laughing the entire time, engaged in stimulating intellectual banter, and has invited me for a three mile trail run for date 2. While I'm not 100% feeling him (not that I "feel" most dudes these days), I really enjoyed his company. Yesterday I gifted myself with a clean house and car, chatted with my landlords as they did a walk-thru and check-in regarding the house, and the dogs and I nailed out an awesome six miler. I was slightly under the weather the last week but was able to kick the cold before it settled.
Life has continued to be a whirlwind the last few weeks, but this last week, well, it's beginning to really feeling incredibly peaceful. Have I totally give my life over to God? I don't know....and maybe He'll continue to keep me in this incredibly uncomfortable holding pattern, but somehow I have to believe that the more I put myself out there...to trust in Him, to be okay with being uncomfortable again, that He's going to move and use me in the ways He's been waiting to do. Talk about putting someone in a holding pattern...I'm pretty sure, Big Man's just giving back...exactly what He's been getting. Ha!
Hope y'all have been doing well! Best wishes to you and yours...and let's see where life takes us!