Sunday, March 6, 2016

March, oh March

How did March already get here?!

So...I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Tired. Worn out. Not able to restock the energy piles. A tad bit anti-social. Several restless nights. And even though I hit 80 miles last month, my body doesn't show it. I imagine it's a mixed effect from too much work the first few weeks of the term and the non-stop nature of my new academic life, a lot of accumulated life stress in general, and a whole variety of other worries/items on my mind topped off with associated guilt for even letting these first-world problems matter to me....

I've been using Lent as a period of decreased social media engagement, which usually is a benefit, but this time around I'm wondering if it didn't disengage me too much. While I recognize that my hiking/running, social media use, overly social nature at times is a distraction technique...I'm also not sure that I'm any better off these days by NOT distracting. ie I've been thinking about things related to my ex on a daily basis, which isn't too outside the norm but it seems to have increased more in the last couple of months again. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really be able to shake that past situation. Best bud (Reg D) and I also haven't been talking much. His Peacecorps assignment got rerouted so he'll still be here for a few more months, but in truth we've rarely chatted nor spent time together since the new year. Which could also be part of what's going on, as in a sense, I've disconnected from my number one order to allow space for what is to come...

But sometimes when you focus too much on the wanting of what is to forget to be happy for the what is already here. Because there is so much goodness in my day to day existence, but when I let myself yearn into my bones for those newer unfulfilled wishes, then it tends to diminish how awesome of a life I've already arrived into. Life today is a far cry from the chaos and sadness of years prior and I truthfully need to remember to relish SO FULLY in all the aspects of that which I have already. Apparently, however, I'm great at non-stop striving for life to be more & better...and less amazing at truly being okay with being settled in a reality for a while. This has been a constant theme in my life...and one that I'm wrestling with how to overcome. I'm always itching for the next item of life to arrive...and once it does, I want it/us/me to be even better. I'm not good at staying "still" even when simple stillness is also exactly what I need & desire.

Today however I seemed to be practicing for fulfillment via simpleness:
--Woke up gently to sunlight through the glass door, a cat nestled in along side my body, and two dogs sharing the other half of the bed. My movements led the dogs to excitedly snuggle closer for our morning ritual of cuddles & kisses...and then I embraced a few more moments of dozing.
--Relished in the simplicity of a panel clad small church steeped in tradition. Inside it's door, one could connect with the multitude of generations that had worshiped in this space for over a hundred years while the rest of the suburban city bustled around about it. Inside it's door, I whispered old hymns, put voice to lines of passages taught to me in childhood, and for the first time in months, felt awe and relief at the experience of sharing communion.
--I allowed myself unfettered time on social media today: pinning homestead dreams, fashion, and simple living items to my hearts desire, sharing a multitude of various links on fb, and uploading a picture of my new window herb box into my IG account. Somehow the "connection" left me more fulfilled even if at times I was letting myself use it as a distraction.
--Rearranged & cleaned the patio furniture in preparation for next weekend's gathering, fed the birds, & relished bits of bird song, gentle rain, & slow sun breaks on occasion.
--I met my parents, granny, cousin & her husband at my aunt's for a mid-day meal of stew over mashed potatoes (totally amazing and oh so easy to make in a crock pot apparently!) and a couple hours of  great quality time together.
--No forcing of mileage and instead let my body rest, even with the dogs herding trials. The miles will get accomplished.
--Multiple loads of laundry washed and I thoroughly enjoyed the task of folding clean laundry today. Other items in cupboards got re-arranged, plants got moved, and the dogs got lots of individual attention.
--In the evening, I focused on grading each of my online student's assignments and appreciated the reality of how much they enjoy the feedback that gets left on their papers. I also searched for AirBnB options for my upcoming work trip in April. (and I should book my plane ticket, but I'll get to that....later...)

Within the mindful simpleness and recounting of blessings, even the deepest of funks can lift out of the moments....

I'm looking forward to the end of these final weeks of the term...and what's looking to be a potentially great trip to the east coast in spring. While my original plan was to hit up all the major cities in the week and a half on either side of the conference I'm attending, I'm feeling like it might be better to take a road trip to explore the coastline and countryside of those northeastern states that are more rural.... We'll see :) But a bit of flexed exploring, a bit of offgrid tempo, and some potential new greenery all sound pretty soul fulfilling :)

1 comment:

  1. I can relate to that feeling of always going for the 'next thing' instead of appreciating the accomplishments and letting yourself sort of pause and enjoy the here and now. I've gotten better at that in terms of my career in the last year or so because I came to realize that chasing the next promotion/advancement was leaving me exhausted and pretty unfulfilled. So now I am in a challenging role that I enjoy but I don't feel pushed to my boundaries and that is a good thing.

    I hope you get out of your funk. I've been there before and I know how crappy it feels to not quite feel like your normal self. I tend to get like that around this time of year, mostly because I'm reaching the point where I'm ready for better weather/warmer temps/more sunshine. Luckily spring appears to have sprung here - at least for this week - so I am relishing the mild, beautiful temps!