Not As Expected

Well...life has a funny way of always letting me know that I spoke/speak too soon.

Today I'm in bed hoping that I can get in to see my naturopath before the day is over. I have a swollen lip, fatigued shaky muscles, and just pure exhaustion. I've agreed to get coverage for my class tonight and I'm thinking about skipping out on day two of my massage courses tomorrow, because the only reason I made it through yesterday's full day was by sheer determination.

Yesterday morning I woke up after a solid five hours of good sleep (which was pretty remarkable for these days) and I was feeling organized and like things were going pretty great. I ate a solid breakfast (two eggs, an english muffin w/ ghee & jam, greek yogurt w coconut, pumpkin seeds, pine nuts, & half a banana) and had my coffee to go so I could drink it on the MAX. When I got on the train there weren't any seats available so I stood and took out my book. About five pages in I started to not feel so great so I put the book away, made sure to unlock my knees, and chocked it up to a bit of motion sickness. I'd taken off some layers as I was overheating and then for the first time ever in my life, I fainted. I must have realized I was going down so I had started trying to drop to my knees, next thing I knew I kept trying to pick my head up off the floor only to have it smack down harder. I heard people ask if I was okay and saw the semi-circle ring of their feet around me as they'd jumped out of the way. About this time the train had opened at the stop in the tunnel under the zoo, so I grabbed my stuff and stumbled out to where I could sit down and take in the wind blowing through the tunnel. The next train that came through I could see had seats, so I was able to make my way on and find a place to land for a bit. I could feel waves of dizziness coming over me again and at one point thought I might need to get back off the train, but somehow I made it through and got to class okay. The rest of the day is sort of a blur at this point. Three classes, eating regularly, drinking lots of water, a massive headache, sitting down a lot, trying to seem like things were okay even though my head was spacey at times, being really tired, and lots of checking in with the few friends and relatives I'd told about the situation. My aunt & uncle came and picked me up at the end of the day and when I finally was shut inside the car I couldn't help but cry about the whole situation. They drove my car from the Max station, fed me, and then I took a shower and crawled into bed for the evening.

Needless to say, I'm not sure what happened but it definitely wasn't the start to the term that I was expecting by any means. I checked in with my eldest brother (who is a nurse), who advised me to get in to see a doctor (mainly because this coupled with the occasional tanking on hikes could be pointing to a bigger problem) but also said that I'm probably just exhausted, needing more nutrition, and much more relaxation.....which definitely sound pretty valid to me. So we'll see if I can get in to the naturopath today. At this point I'm glad to be confined to bed today--mainly just laying here and doing absolutely nothing....and dependent on how I feel this afternoon, I might just try to have the next four days be exactly the same. What I really wish I had right now was a cabana boy however :) The sun is shining outside and it'd be great to have a buff attractive male to bring me meals, entertain my dogs, and generally wait on me for a few days....

....which leads me to....compassion. This whole experience of the last 24 hours just makes me think of how fortunate I am to have people that care about me, ranging from various family members to my friends to my classmates in the program. What if I had to take the Max back home last night? What if something had severely gone wrong and I had no one to turn to? What if this is/was a bigger problem and I had absolutely no health insurance to cover it? (although I did partly refuse to go to urgent care yesterday cause I don't have the money to pay the difference) I'm incredibly fortunate though to have people who could come and get me, people who are wishing well and encouraging me, and an understanding boss and instructors to grant me time to take care of myself. If anything right now, I'm reminded that I need to be more compassionate to my own students again--granting them grace about the unforeseen things that come up in life. And I also again am reminded of how easily sometimes a health issue can completely change the trajectory of one's life. Definitely puts things into a better, clearer perspective.

So here's hoping that I can figure out what went wrong....and if it's just exhaustion, that my body will be able to heal itself over the course of the next term. Yesterday I couldn't help but try to figure out if I could just work and take a leave of absence from the massage program, but I don't know that that helps me with any of my needs long term and just delays my ability to be self-sustaining. Trying to be open minded but we'll see what happens in the next week to come...