18 Adults, 1 Child, 5 years, 1 Home

The title to this post is....18 Adults, 1 Child, 5 years....and that is exactly how many individuals I have shared space/house with over the course of the last five years (come March). That does not include the two dogs, two cats, and 6-9 chickens that I've had in this space, nor the additional small dog that I allowed to join us for a very short 6 weeks.

The overall breakdown is as follows:

2011-Spring 2012: Ex and I; fall-spring 2 friends lived w/ us
June-Dec 2012: I was solo in the house
Dec 2012-Nov 2013: 7 short term housemates; 1 guest dog
Dec 2013-Nov 2014: 1 repeat housemate (& baby grandma & kid), 1 long term housemate, 2 short term housemates
Dec 2014-Feb 2015: same long term housemate, 3 short term housemates, 1 repeat housemate, Reg D

A couple of my friends have joked that I should write a book about the experiences...because I've met a LOT of people and learned a ton about others and myself in the process.

Out of those 18 people, 2 were friends before they moved in, 3-6 became decent friends while they were here and I still actively am in contact/friends with 2-4 of those, and 1 was a romantic partner for a while. Two struggled with alcohol issues while they were here. One turned out to be a chain smoker who smoked in a chair on the property 2/3rds of the short time she was here. Two were given 30 days notice and asked to leave. One tried to retrain my dogs. One had issues with perpetually lying. Two ate other housemates food. One repeatedly hit on another housemate even though he was married and 2-3 actively hit on any/all of my single male friends (sometimes even including the men I was dating). One told me after moving in that she was not okay with any males ever staying in the home while she lived here...even in the guest room, even if he was married, even if there was no romantic notion whatsoever. The shortest stay was one month, the longest consecutive stay was 10 months, the longest total stay was one year, and the average length of stay for most was 2-4 months. Six were here on internships/fellowships, four had solid professional careers, 1 was exploring the business market in Portland, 1 was a fellow massage school student, and most were in transition in some form or another (either between travel/work, moving to Portland, moving out of Portland, or trying to live somewhere short term while figuring some long term options out).

I've always preferred short term housemates. Mainly because I'm a bit anal retentive :) I don't sleep well if people are up moving around or making noise. I like the kitchen & bathrooms to stay clean. I like things to look organized and generally operate in an "everything has its place" sort of existence. I can live with most things for a few months but once it starts to become a longer term situation, then my need to take back over starts coming out more. I'm not easy to live with long term if people do not operate in a similar fashion...thus it's better for them and for me if we co-exist in more of a transitional fashion.

Living with so many people I've also come to realize a few things:
1) People will ALWAYS present best foot forward. It's our human nature to do so. The longer I've been involved in the rental scene, I've come to operate by a 2/3 principle. 2/3 of what someone tells me generally tends to truly be how that individual operates. How we see & describe ourselves can be different from how we actually are...and this would go for myself as well more than likely. This also ties into #2.
2) Definitions of living standards differ. My idea of "clean" or "noisy" can be very different from someone else's standards. In my ads I always state that I'm a clean by appearances sort of person, but not a clean in terms of bleach or product sort of individual. I have had to explain to 1-2 people that clean also means that the bathtub does not have visible grime on it and no soap on the counters. If you're looking to rent, it's always a good idea to specify in writing whatever those standards of importance for you actually mean.
3) I'm always in awe of how some individuals are naturally not mindful. I found this to be true when I had to live in the dorms also. There are so many easy ways that people can do small things to make living with someone else easier, but frequently I've found that people do not recognize the ways that their actions can impact another.
4) People who are renting from another tend to somewhat expect to be taken care of. Out of those 18, only 1-2 actually bought their own cleaning supplies and routinely cleaned the rental room/bathroom & helped out consistently with other household duties. That same 1 person also contributed to baking supplies & spices, oil/butter, plastic containers/foil/baggies/paper towels, laundry soap, etc without being asked. Almost all the rest either never did or I had to ask them to purchase additional supplies.
5) People mean well but sometimes "when the cat is away the mice will play." I run a pretty utility mindful house--meaning I keep the heat low, turn off lights when I leave the room/home, and try to be mindful of water usage. I try to be upfront with housemates before they move in that I expect the same out of them. I also operate on a "I stay out of your personal stuff, please stay out of mine" manner. The times when I've traveled....that utility bill skyrockets however (as in higher than it's ever been both in summer & winter) and I've come home from countless runs/work days with the heat jacked higher than it needs to be (ie I'm sweating profusely). I've also had a scarf, a buddy's hat, and a pair of pants "disappear" as certain housemates were transitioning out. Additionally one of my dogs almost got out of her collar and ran into an oncoming car after a housemate continually loosened her collar even after she assured me she wouldn't do it again.... Rule of thumb: Most people don't communicate straight forwardly, don't want to deal with confrontation, & will agree to things even if they'll never put those things into practice.
6) When people are looking for somewhere to live, they don't always listen to everything you told them.....about your expectations, about your pets routines/needs, about the house and its natural quirks....Enough stated.

I sometimes get asked about how to write an ad or rent successfully to another. The truth is that I don't have any tried and true strategies. What I can say is that overtime my selection process got more fine tuned. I learned to write better ads, to wait & be more selective, to not compromise on house rules, and to read through the lines. This doesn't mean that in the last year or two I haven't looked forward to having certain individuals move out however, but it does mean that I've had better compatibility & success with matches over the last two years. For me the short term window truly has been best because in the case that you find someone who is good for short term but not for long term, then your time together is short anyway. There is always the potential to renegotiate together as the original timeline nears whether or not you or s/he would like that individual to stay. I've had some housemates completely surprise me in good ways too. One thing that I have not tended to do but would advocate actually doing, is to have some sort of established rental/sublet written agreement & a down payment established. At times I did call references and this is definitely a good practice as well. (Although let's get real, unless it's 2-5 years of prior rental reference that you require, no one is going to supply a "bad" personal reference to you...)

I can honestly also say that the individuals who I rented to during my short window on AirBnB also tended to be more established....but due to the nature of the site, many of those also had more of an expectation of being hosted. (And I also was very selective and communicated a lot with the people I rented to from there....). I'm contemplating doing super short term windows on AirBnB again this spring (ie 2 nights to 2 weeks) mainly for four reasons. 1) It truthfully does supplement my rent. 2) It's fun to meet new people. 3) Sometimes I feel bad having this large home and yet only having just me live here. Call it my environmental heart, but it's sort of a waste of total space...and the housing market in Portland can be challenging. 4) After using AirBnB for my own travel needs, I feel like giving back to other travelers.

Well...and then there's 5) if i DO travel again this summer for work...then I'm going to need to sublet the house for 1-2 months. (Note: this time payment upfront, down payment, rental agreement, AND references will be required.) Ideally I'm hopeful to sublet to a couple or small family, who is cat friendly (ie can feed the cat & give him the occasional lap to lay on), and who can pass the lawnmower over the lawn 1-2x a month. Hopefully if that is that case..the perfect match will present itself :)

All that being said...I'm incredibly fortunate....to have been able to share this space with so many individuals, to have shared time/stories/lives with each of them too, to have learned a lot in the process, to have a home that is flexible/changeable and yet constant, to have been humbled to share more than I always wanted to, to have to trust that His plan was bigger than mine, and to have landlords who have truly desired me to stay and supported/trusted me enough to allow me to continue to sublet spaces within what is truly their extended family's home.

March makes five years in this home, five full years back in Oregon, and the longest I've continually lived in the same house during my entire life. This house has seen my life go through enormous transitions. It's held my mutual tears & laughter, hosted numerous gatherings, warmed my heart & body, inspired decoration, benefited from kitchen dance parties, housed guests, watched the dogs mature & age, functioned as my nest/office/ground...but truthfully throughout these last five years its proved itself to be my HOME. What started out as a month by month rental agreement with the potential to only last six months and that every year I've questioned whether it would be better to move on elsewhere...this home has remained steadfast and grounded. In March (or potentially next month...even though it's slightly before I financially wanted but internally I'm oh so ready...), this house will truly return to be just that...my (& the animals') home. What a five years it's witnessed, but what a steady blessing it's been and continues to be....

I'm grateful, so grateful, for my home.

(...and ironically, more than likely....I have no doubt that this space will probably get shared again sooner than I might imagine. :))

Changes on the Horizon: Chickens

So.many.potential.changes on the horizon for the next six months.

But one change that happened this week was the rehoming of my beautiful, intriguing chickens. I've SO loved these little ladies and I really enjoyed their funny personalities....

BUT I need to just recognize that backyard birds aren't always the best solution in a suburban neighborhood. 

There are lots of potential transitions happening this summer so in the back of my mind I'd been wondering what to do with the birds anyway....but then the ladies started getting out of the yard and wandering the cul-de-sac with the neighbors apparently chasing them back into the yard....

...and even though they aren't roosters, they sure liked to greet the morning at sunrise with lots of loud noise and excitement. When sunrise was at 8am this was less of an issue, but as it's steadily been getting earlier and earlier...an entire week of 6:40am wake-up calls started to get tiring and I could only imagine how thrilled my neighbors were....

...it's one thing for me to want the eggs and to enjoy them as fun pets....but it's another to subject my neighbors to disturbances that they never asked for :(

And so two days ago I posted an ad on Craigslist, specifying that my ladies needed more property and to be with someone who was familiar with chickens. And oh.my.goodness....I've never had such a Craigslist response! At least 30-40 people responded and some sounded so ideal that I wanted to be a chicken on their properties! In the end, a woman with three acres nearby and ten other hens who are guarded by a farm dog, came and picked my ladies up that same evening.

So sad to say goodbye to my lovely birds...but hopefully they've settled in nicely.

Now....to figure out what to do with the cat....and see what comes of potential sitters (hopefully for 3-6 months) for my amazing doggies.....

School Has Taken Over

I'm alive...promise! Just tired and with too many things to do at once. Plus I mean, I know I have silent lurkers, but I don't know how many of you really are routine readers so mainly I'm just writing for myself y'all :)

Anyway...I've got the flu, a cold, something. Symptoms showed up Thursday evening and I was in bed grading all day Saturday. Felt pretty good Sunday...so of course I finally did some physical activity...and was worse for the wear on Monday. Today I had written and practical quizzes in both of my courses but could only complete 3 out of 4 cause I'm stick snot-nosed and hacking. The thing about health care that I'll have to get used to...you aren't supposed to show up sick :)

Massage school is going well. It's an adjustment. I'm LOVING learning again, especially because I've actually never had to do A & P or Kinesology. In the first 2 complete weeks, I learned all the major bones, planes of reference, and major categories of joints. I also today was tested on the bones and major muscles of the neck and face, as well as some of the cervical vertebrae. That's all just been for one course. In the actual Swedish Massage course, I've learned how to sanitize and set a table, center myself and practice good body mechanics, basic indications and contraindications for massage (ie who should and shouldn't receive massage and when), and learned basic draping, how to turn a client, interview a client, and apply resting & compression strokes. There's a third class but it's mainly review of my social work skills. But altogether LOTS of reading, memorization, and practice. And I pretty much stare at this three days a week:

Honestly though, the hardest part (and the main reason I'm sick) is because of the change in my schedule. Three days a week I have to get up at 5:30am and for some reason my body doesn't want to go to sleep until midnight most nights (or my one current housemate wakes the dogs aka me up early morning hours and I can't fall back asleep some nights also). But trying to operate on 4-5 hours of sleep is no good for anyone. Plus now I have some longer days. At this point, my schedule pretty much operates like this:
Monday--reading for that week & any other self/home/pet appts/care that needs to happen
Tuesday--530 start, 630-730 commute, 8-230 class, 230-330 commute, run/shower/eat, 6-9 teach
Wednesday--finish reading, online work, run/shower/eat, 6-9pm teach
Thursday--530 start, 630-730 commute, 8-230 class, 230-330 commute, run/shower/eat, 7-830 Granny
Friday--530 start, 630-730 commute, 8-230 class, 230-330 commute, crash
Saturday & Sunday--grade for inperson & online classes, errands, try to socialize as possible
REPEAT

I have to have my grading done by end of day Monday which means that the weekend is the best time to do it. And based on the schedule, I really then only have Monday and Wednesday to take care of home stuff and study/do all the weekly reading for class. Between now and the end of the term, I also have to schedule 14 massages with other students into the schedule, which is obviously both a yea! and a where's the time?! :)

Luckily next term I'm changing my teaching schedule so I'll be teaching M/W nights and I can switch to 1130-6pm classes on T/R/F. That still gives me most of Monday & Weds to take care of stuff, but will cut down on early mornings and allow me time to study Tuesday evening at least. It'll mean a change in my regular work-out routine, but honestly I'm not going to be able to keep up to my old exercise levels I don't think.

It's been an interesting experience being in this particular school setting, but again, it's honestly really awesome to be learning something completely different and new. At this point, I'm thinking that I might want to focus on injury management/sports massage but also with elements of acupressure...we'll see. This whole going back to school has me researching some other potential school/career options for a couple of years down the road too. (aka what it would take to become an acupuncturist or do integrative research) Right now they're just ideas but we'll see. If anything I'm excited and invigorated by learning (even if I'm exhausted)....and I think it's what I needed.

My classes I'm teaching are going well. I'm glad I pre-organize the terms cause it's definitely helping. And this term only proves that no two groups of students are ever the same! I've also had some prior students email me to check in this term regarding events in their lives so am trying to refer/help as I can.

In other news, a) Anna's back to running and we did our first hike since the backpackgonebad experience over this last weekend. Happiness! b) I'm making some new friends in the program and have also been connecting with a colleague of mine over the last several weeks c) a month in the housemates are very different but so far okay to live with although d) I can't wait for December when housemate M gets back, I get two weeks of overlapping vacation (the last until I'm done next fall!), and it'll be snowshoe season!

And with those thoughts...I'm off to sleep....night y'all!

Lava Hell Backpack Trip

Well to put it mildly, this last backpacking trip didn't go that well. In fact, I pretty much lost my sh*t headed back on the trail and am still trying to decide if I will return to overnight trips at some point or not. Most the backpacking individuals I've talked to can't believe we started our trek where we did but I'm still frustrated that the experience broke me as much as it did. 

So in a nut shell...here's the latest trip:

One day delay and instead of starting at the picturesque Crater Lake PCT entrance, it was decided to start outside Sisters. I didn't realize that my traveling companions hadn't researched this part of the trail....and soon discovered that there was no knowledge of near water sources nor what the terrain was to be like. Needless to say, I should have put my foot down and assured that we started at Crater Lake, because the first four miles of where we started looked like this:

Solid lava rocks. Halfway through I realized it wasn't a good idea to have the dogs on this stuff but I kept hoping that part of the trail would end sooner rather than later. It kept on. I also kept contemplating how in the world I was going to travel back over that section with the dogs (since we were scheduled to do two days hike north with the guys and then hike back out to the trailhead returning the same way).

After the four miles of solid lava rocks, there was 2.5 miles of sand mixed with some rocks on a decline, before going up through fern growth/burnt forest for three miles. 

Here the guys and the dogs are stopped at our first real rest about 8 miles in. Soon after this I started getting dizzy if we stopped. Due to the delay in days, I didn't fuel well to start the day off and probably was dehyrdrated, undernourished, and with low iron levels after having a heavy period that same week.

A quick view from the trail on our three mile gradual decline toward camp. We lucked out and the camp that night had actual bunks, showers, a kitchen, etc since it was an out-of-season youth camp. We chatted with a couple other PCT thru and section hikers and it was neat getting to meet some of the people on the trail. However it was also at the camp that Anna stopped wanting to walk and I was able to take a look at her paws. Every single one of her paws had been torn up with some of top layers of her pads almost having been torn completely off. Needless to say she wasn't in good shape. We were 100% incredibly fortunate that this location had cell service and we were able to find map the roads into the camp. Since Anna wasn't in any shape to get back out of there, it was decided that I would travel the 13.5 miles back to the car the next morning while the guys waited with the dogs before continuing up the PCT. 

Although this view looks pretty, this was at mile 4 or 5 on the return trip and I was already tired. Without a pack I should have been able to make better time. I had fueled well that morning, I had 20 oz of water with me, but out of the 13.5 miles I was only really able to force myself to jog about 4 of them. 

This is right after I finished the 2.5 mile incline back up to the lava section. I met 3 sets of thru hikers in this section, all of which looked as defeated as I already felt and I still had the four miles back across Lava Hell to go. Needless to say most the 13.5 miles had me cursing myself for not ensuring the trip was planned better, for allowing my dogs to go across that nasty stuff, and thinking about whether or not I ever wanted to backpack again. PLUS thinking of how much of a lame ass I felt for letting ONE section of the PCT break me so much when so many other people hike the entire thing...

By the time I made it back to the car, I'd been out of water for at least an hour, I'd sweated through every inch of my clothing and had salt crusted on my legs, arms, and face....and I had an hour drive back to the camp.

I stopped at McDonald's to get an iced tea, have them refill my water, and to get four hamburgers (one for each of the dudes and one for each dog).

I still wasn't in a great place as I picked up the dogs, changed clothes, and dropped the guys off at the nearest trailhead. My ranting left them more than happy to be back on their way.... 

After a fretful FB post and a call to my vet, I scheduled an appt for Anna for Thursday (this was Tuesday) and headed on to visit a buddy of mine and his wife (this is another post in itself....). He was sweet enough to pick up first aid supplies and the advice of a few friends helped know what to do to treat her wounds.

Here's the lady all bandaged up: 

Headed home on Wednesday. Anna was able to hobble around some but still needed to be carried across rough surfaces. I rescheduled the appt on Thursday for both of them after I found a nasty rash again on Roxi's stomach. Verdict was that Anna's off physical activity for one to two months to ensure her pads harden. She's allowed to walk in grass and carpet. They cut the skin flaps off her paws and I'm to keep monitoring for infection. Roxi has the start of a staph infection on her stomach so she's on antibiotics. Either a reaction to fleas or grass or both. 

The whole experience smashed a little bit of the outside joy that I've been having for the last year. I'm still excited for snowshoeing and the idea of being active outside for the most part. But I just can't put my finger on what exactly broke inside of me.... was it the realization that the dog could have been seriously injured? is it the worry of what if i couldn't have driven/carried her out? is it residual issues of disappointment in myself or the guys?  is it the fact that i know that we just happened to be very lucky? was it that i was mentally unprepared for that type of a trip? (i knew it would be hard...but usually i'm fairly tough...so why did that hardness break me down?) is it that same notion of feeling defeated/failed/mortal? 

Last night I made myself get out for a jog just to see how my body was doing. I managed the 3.5 mile jog just fine and made myself run the return stretch that I most hate and mentally struggle with completing. I ran the whole thing and sprinted the last half a mile home. Somehow doing so helped--made me feel not as mentally weak.

But I'm not going to lie, I also returned my faulty jetboil to REI yesterday. The salesperson took one look at me and said "the trail defeated you." I've interacted with the salesperson a few times and he's thru hiked the PCT. We talked about the section we started on, the dog's injuries, and he just shook his head at our starting there of all places. His final words as I left the store "Don't sell all your stuff... we'll get you back out on the trail...eventually...."

But I don't know. I stopped here at Odell Lake on the drive back to Portland. It looks like the perfect spot for a little paddle boarding, kayaking, resting, day hiking, and what could be a future of lazy car camping.......

Only time will tell, but my days of backpacking could potentially be over....

....I always knew I wasn't really a thru hiker or made of the mettle of marathoners anyway :)

Life this week....

...I'm still just maintaining y'all but it's sort of nice to be happily reclusive, as contradictive as that might sound. Sometimes I just need to hole up and be solo for a while..and I honestly don't know how long this self-imposed seclusion might last, but as of right now...it feels great. I don't have to be anything for anyone else, I don't have to listen, I don't have to give...I can just be...and focus and it's fab-u-lous. This whole experience is making me realize that I need to also spend some time thinking about where I want life to head and who I want to be a part of it as I move forward, because I can't tell you how many times in the last week I've wanted to completely wipe the slate clean and march off into a totally new life, new people, etc.

So what have I been up to...well quite a bit....I've been:

--Getting into a text fight with one of my best hometown friends...who verbally kicked my butt but snapped me out of myself for a bit and made me realize that I truly am tired of other people telling me what and who to be in my life. Ironically, we made up...only for me to again get frustrated....this is just the story of our friendship though.

--I spent Sunday night not sleeping very well due to insomnia which I think is connected to all the stress as of late. I spent Tuesday night dreaming non-stop of my ex only to wake up to a text message from him ....interesting how connected our unconscious sometimes can be to reality. The other nights I've slept hard and fast.

--I've applied for two more great jobs and have one more great one to apply for...all of which have reported that they'll be hiring in June, so please start crossing fingers and praying. I also mailed in my application for a general health/research position with the Air Force to eight different locations across the south (although it doesn't say which/when they're hiring). All things considered, until I do my usual weekend search/applying for jobs over the next few days, I've already applied for 20-25 positions in the last two weeks. Today I also had an orientation meeting for a new part-time (6-10 hr/wk) gig I have for just spring term. It should be just what I need to supplement what I'm currently lacking and get me through until summer but I still need a full-time job in a big bad way come June.

--I've posted at least eight items on Craigslist for sale to try to gain some extra cash and clear out more items from the past, and I also took three bags of stuff to Goodwill and I have about three more bags to take as well. M and I also cleaned out the garage/attic and I became that ex-wife who dropped good's off on her ex's doorstep since every time I tell him I've found more of his stuff, he rarely comes to get it. Purging down to necessities feels incredibly cleansing and freeing though. I've also again priced trading in my cross-over and if necessary, I could do so and make a little off of it.

--My ring finally sold and I got the check in the mail...and directly transferred those funds against my credit card plus a little extra. I also lucked out and my paycheck that I thought was going to leave me short this month ended up being regular size, so I am able to make all my bills this month and pay off my car insurance.

--I've been emailing potential new housemates on Craigslist who have ads posted wanting a short-term room, but I have yet to post my own ad. My parents seem to want me to stay in this house. M has offered to store his stuff in the garage/attic and pay me a storage fee while he's gone if I stay...and he also has a potential part-time housemate for my guest room. But until I feel more secure about staying in the rental, it feels weird to post an ad asking someone else to join the home.

--I'm still in awe at just how different my classes are this term from other terms...and how different they are from each other. Tuesday evening is FULL of chatters and Wednesday evening I have to call on students to get them to speak. The first exam is next week...we're already a third of the way through spring term! Tomorrow I have another training/meeting for the faculty side of things, there's a 3 day conference to attend next week for this new gig, and I have a couple other work engagements plus jury duty before the end of the month. This weekend I also have 100 papers to grade and today I graded the online discussions.

--M's gone up to visit his friends in Washington for the end of this week and his timing couldn't have been more perfect since I have a lot to get done. He's been incredibly busy trying to socialize with all his people before he takes off again (he's only been back in country for two months now), but we're still enjoying our housemate times together. The house is definitely quieter without him right now but makes it easier to get stuff done....and makes me realize that I'm gonna miss him while he's overseas again.

--I've taken a few days off of working out after the ten miler, but both my "easy" runs have been great pacing and mileage for me. I've begun to realize that my five pounds of padding I'm gaining is partly due to finally eating regularly again, tons of stress/cortisol, and the reality that my body is plateauing. I need to make sure my heart rate/breathing is up or that my distance is increased...otherwise these easy runs aren't much of a cardio push these days for weight management purposes. And my run today was a new route---so glad! Oh yea...and this week I may have also tried a bite of M's steak....

--Granny and I had a great visit this evening which also included her insights on my potential for relationships, aka Granny's words of wisdom. 1) I need to be willing to compromise on what I want out of a partner or else... 2) I'm going to end up a spinster and I shouldn't be a spinster. 3) I need to cut some slack both for said potential partner and myself. 4) Apparently my ex also needs to recognize that there is no perfect partner...and both of us need to learn to be content in the future with what is rather than what could be. Sigh, Granny, sigh....but yes, I know these things, yes, I've been thinking lots about this things, and no, I don't expect perfection, although I will probably always have high expectations for myself.

--Oh and I turned Denver down, as in withdrew my admission status. They asked if I wanted to defer until next summer and I've emailed asking whether or not deferral would grant any additional financial incentive...

--I quit book club...at least for the time being. Interestingly I've been reading a ton of books for me, stuff that I want to read and that I've been putting off reading, but mainly I quit because of self-imposed seclusion...I don't want to talk, I don't want to analyze, I don't want to explain or weigh others opinions right now, etc etc. I feel bad, but....it is what it is. And also, I'm honestly not driving anywhere but work these days or prior social obligations that at this point I don't feel I can back out of. I'm not going out for fun, or buying anything new or special...I'm reading books I already own, I'm buying minimal groceries, but ok, ok, I'm splurging on a glass of vino each evening :)

So life...well, right now, it just is. I'm not externally freaking out..and somehow internally freak out is maybe on pause...as in, I'm doing what I can (just about) to my full potential.....even if my obvious attempts to keep my stress at bay are mainly due to cutting everyone out and denial....which manifests itself in irritability, a horrible complexion, and trouble falling asleep at least once a week. But I'm also grateful in a weirdly twisted way...hmm...

Hope y'all have had productive, content weeks!

Home--What? Where?

While somewhat overdue.....pictures of the final state of the house (minus the rented room and bathroom that is). Things in the house are almost exactly how I would want them to be.....

Couch: West Elm; Throw Pillows: Target clearance, Ross, and made by yours truly; Ikea chairs: Craigslist & Salvation Army; frames: Goodwill, gifted, Ross; globe light: PB teen; coffee table/storage ottoman: Target

LOVE throws & patterned pillows!

Leather chairs: Target; side table: hand-me-down/repainted; TV console: Craigslist

This is in the guest room--bed not pictured. Chair: hand-me-down/repainted; desk: thrifted/repainted; painting by friend's father

Bed (for sale!): PB; bedding: West Elm duvets; side tables: Bi-mart; baskets: Joanne's

And yes, I know that the picture above isn't big enough...I have something else for there, just haven't finished it.

I'm in a period of transition--which seems to be the only stable thing of the last year, that ironically there is no stability, only constant flux and uncertainty. Just as I've felt myself gain solid ground, always, always that ground becomes sand, and I feel my feet begin to sink into the softness due to the constant lapping of the waves of life. I'm sure I'd be much better off if I'd just accept that this is how life goes, the tide goes in, the tide goes out....but it's hard to be so welcoming to this notion when I'm constantly struggling to keep afloat financially. And so we come to my home....of which I've been thinking of consistently.

After the ex moved out, one of the most difficult things was being alone in a ginormous (for just me) rental...and the fact that it no longer felt like a home. One of the tasks I used to help "heal" me was to make my house back into a home, which in recent months it's really begun to feel that way again. I'm (mainly) surrounded by things I love--colors, textures, shapes, pictures etc. 

You might be wondering why I didn't just pack up and find a new home once the divorce was for sure going to unravel, and the answer is three-fold. 1) I love my landlords. They aren't in my face, they trust that I'll take care of their place, and I pretty much can just do as I want. 2) My rent is cheap for what I'm getting. I'd have to pay as much as I am now (for a 3 bed, 2 bath home with a large backyard, AC in the summer, etc) for much less if I were to move and stay in the local area. 3) The animals. Rentals are hard to come by for Anna (German Shep or related breeds are restricted, even though she's the sweetest creature) and I'm not going to find another landlord that let's me have both dogs AND both cats. So I've stayed...and rented out a room for the last 5 months....even though part of me really still has this desire to move and start over somewhere else.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my rental. The house would be great long-term if the landlords ever decided to sell (I can't believe I just said I'd like to buy a house......in a few years), although it'd require a lot of upgrades. But for right now it just seems like too much most the time---too much space for just me, too much yardwork for just me, too much in heating/water bills when I only need about a quarter of the space of this place, too much focus on "filling" the space with "things" I don't need, and too much hassle over not being able to leave the dogs in the yard anymore due to the bitchy dogs on either side. 

The "voice of reason" (aka my amazing father) arrived last week with my mother in tow, and he didn't have to say much to soothe my soul. (Plus mom and I had already texted about his thoughts on my recent situation.) I'd already re-priced U of Denver the day of their arrival and realized that there is NO way that I can afford that school ($54k for 1 year of tuition and only $16k in scholarships offered....), but since I only have one class that I can teach this summer (enrollment thus offerings are down and budgets are being slashed...) AND M is relocating to Taiwan for his job for six months starting mid-May....then I'm basically not able to pay rent (again...or any of my bills really) starting in June (even if I get another housemate, unless I get a housemate AND secure a full-time job of at least $15/hr...welcome to my life). I've applied for over 30 jobs this last year...only been contacted for interviews on three and was offered one (which in hindsight I should have taken and figured out the rest of the details later...). In the last two weeks, I've applied for 20 jobs (although many are duplicates with different numbers)....but one thing I've also come to realize is that I AM ready for a change. While it's been great to be settled in one spot for just over two years now (the longest I've been consistently in the same exact residence since high school) and as much as I could see myself coming back to this same job/location in a year or two, I just.feel.like.I.need.something.different. I need to feed my soul, I need to break old ties, I need to challenge my mind, and redefine my heart. I need to start over.....because right now I'm tired, I'm strung-out, and honestly my heart is pretty, pretty hateful. I've put myself in self-imposed reclusiveness status and I might be here for a while....or at least until I feel like I've figured something out. Because I'm not going to lie, I'm getting incredibly tired of feeling this way, of wanting to but not being able to trust (men, friends, life, God), I'm tired of friends trying to get me talk about my problems because talking doesn't change anything, I'm not feeling like I can be a great friend right  now for numerous reasons (one of which is that I'm tired of talking about the same stuff period and my patience level is nil), and I'm incredibly tired of having to depend on my parents for financial assistance when I'm THIRTY years old. I have higher expectations for myself...and I'm failing myself miserably.

One thing I've been reflecting on in the last week is that my heart used to be so open. I cared for the world, for its people, for my friends and family, for the environment. I was eternally optimistic. How did I get so hardened? And will that hardness eventually melt...or am I going to remain jaded, realistic, and pessimistic for years to come? I'm mad at my ex....but I'm mad at myself for trusting him and for letting myself ever become dependent on someone else. I'm mad at God for keeping me in this "learning/struggling" space. I'm mad at the world. I'm not exactly fun to be around right now. And....I'm going to be a whole can of worms for whoever the next guy is that eventually tries to stick around long term. (Speaking of which, B might not have been such a "good guy" as he sort of went off the deep end one evening/morning...and we are no longer communicating....)

I hope for the best for everyone...but lately I'm realizing that it's probably going to be a much longer climb up for me than I ever imagined it would be. I knew the separation/divorce alone wasn't anywhere near my rock bottom, but I've gotten about as close to the bottom in the last month as I'll let myself. In good news, last night I finished a book, that had me laughing and feeling thankful that someone else just.got.where.I.am.right.now.in.life. She writes about losing her job, struggling with love, relocating, no longer knowing what to do about food, etc etc...and it just so wonderfully hit home..almost every single word of it. (Slow Love by Dominique Browning...and I just discovered she has a blog..SCORE!). Will life eventually pick up? Yes, yes, I do believe it will...I'm just not sure where else it's going to step on me before I get there.

So for now I'm listing items to sell on Craigslist, weekly applying for full-time jobs, going through my items and thinking about what I truly need in life (which isn't much really), working, exercising (great 10 miler yesterday!), keeping my friends at bay (sorry y'all!! but you'll thank me eventually), rethinking priorities, wondering (maybe too much as I've had two nights of insomnia lately), and day dreaming about setting up home elsewhere. Because truthfully, home can be transported anywhere...and I CAN recreate what I've created wherever I eventually am taken (Lord, please take me somewhere...).

All that being said, much love to all of you. Be nesters, be lovers, be still, and be full of life. And maybe, just maybe, BE. :)

Un-Waited

I got in. Off the waitlist and Into the MSW program that is.

The catch? It's 40k for 3 terms. It's a 4 term program. I was awarded 12k in scholarships for 4 terms. Oh and I already have about the price of tuition in existent grad loans. Perhaps I could land a TA/GA and I know I can teach online in my current job but...it's a lot of money. What if I decide that I actually don't want to work with veterans?! :)

So now comes decision time.

So like normal, I went for a 3 mile easy jog...

...and I'm just going to give myself time to think things through. Just like I've been doing, since I've spent the last week being reclusive and trying to process through the failure aspect of life....again.

In the last two days I've also applied to two full-time local academia jobs (one of which might be especially awesome!) and a part-time extra academia job for this term. I'm sure the local masses are applying too.

Decisions, decisions. We'll see what occurs....

....here's hoping God can make the "right" direction especially apparent! :)

Back on the Up

....and you know how I know? Cause every.single.day this week (and 4x today alone) I've heard on the radio this specific country song that the ex used to put on his mixes cause he could never get himself to say the things the song specifies.....and you know what? I've just sung along and enjoyed the song, and most of the time the song is over 70% through before I even remember which song it is....

....but it also might be because I'm being proactive in life again. I'm making lists each day and checking things off as I complete them. I'm applying for jobs, I've posted and emailed for housemates, and I've called the neighbors to tell them that they're going to have to deal with my dogs again because I refuse to keep them cooped up inside when the weather's nice. I've told the naturopath that I took myself off all her supplements and I want a food-based diet "fix" and I've told them that I'm coming less frequently because I can't afford it. I've also told the ex that after not living here for seven months he needs to relocate the rest of his stuff or I'll donate it, change his address officially, and finally tell the military that we aren't married.

....or it might be because I'm doing things like hosting dinner parties solo, having real heartfelt honest conversations with my parents again, I'm reaching out to friends in ways I didn't for a long time, I'm socializing and being authentic in the process with where I am and what life used to be like and where I want it to go....

....I'm enjoying the sunshine falling through the trees and I'm opening the curtains and letting the light stream in. I'm cleaning off the patios, picking up the backyard, dusting the picnic table and envisioning a new stain color, and daydreaming of the summer hosting season and the potential for what could be in the raised beds.

....I'm making sure to take time among the uncertainties to enjoy life. I'm taking the dogs on afternoon jogs, spontaneously zipping T off to the soaking pool for relaxation (and to work on easing her concussion pain!), and enjoying those mid-week solo snowshoe opportunities.

...I'm being true to my professional goals and thinking about long term lifestyle desires. I'm responding to student emails asap and being an organized instructor. I'm emailing old supervisors to let them know where I'm at and how much I appreciate their support.

....I'm saying something to the big one upstairs each day, even if it's just a little hey G, don't forget about me please...you know the desires and hopes of my heart.....

....I'm gathering opinions, weighing them and holding them up to the light, and then making decisions for myself that make the most sense....and with that, I'm just going to put it out there...I totally went and created an online dating profile. My girlfriends are secretly looking forward to enjoying this vicarious experience without having to the be the one to do it, but let me just tell you.....in the last 24hrs, it's been great for my ego. I mean, obviously I shouldn't base my self-confidence off what other people tell me, but after being married to a man who for three years treated me more like his sister than a woman/wife, it's nice to get some validation that I just might sorta still be a catch. :) And no worries, I'm being level-headed about this...I'm looking at it as an opportunity to get to see what's out there again without really looking for the next big thing...and having to explain myself to others....sort of as a means to have to prove that I do still know myself. I know this might sound funny, but I'm seriously really excited about this experience....let's see if I still feel that way at the end of three months. (Oh ps my frugal side totally swept in too, because I ran a search for the site and promo codes and guess what....totally scored!) I've been joking about starting a second blog just to record the process of this whole experience but for now let me just assure that the dude who had a pick-up line of "hey fancy pants" in his email DEFINITELY got deleted...and led me to provide a few more specifics on who should not contact me.

....and I'm feeling my health stabilizing: emotionally, physically, spiritually, nutritionally, mentally. I'm making sure I'm getting enough sleep. I'm resting a few days each week on the exercise front AND finding that I'm feeling much better and recovering faster on the days I do exercise. I'm not monitoring my food or pouring numerous supplements into my body, but instead focusing on snacking on protein foods for mood stabilization and eating regular solid meals. I'm singing to the radio with the windows down. I'm scheduling my time and smiling. I'm surrounded by support of both family and friends...and regardless of how long this job process takes, today I'm feeling immensely and incredibly blessed....and its a great place to be again.

Life ain't perfect by any means and its not going to be, but the last few days I've been feeling better consistently. I'm looking at Fearless on that bathroom mirror and truly feeling that I might be feeling that way again. Hope y'all are doing well too---sending big hugs to each one of you!

Catch-Up & Half-Marathon Made

I'm feeling quieter. I'm processing. And I'm doing lots of researching...of options. Not all of which I care to share about.

What I will share is the following:
-Sometimes I really feel like I need to move. I need a new experience. A new start. A new location. An adventure--something to motivate, lead, and meet all my financial needs.
-Sometimes PDX feels too small to contain oneself and one's ex-spouse.
-Sometimes we wonder about all the what ifs and what haves--the choices we could have made in the past that didn't pan out, the things we thought would be based on the choices we did make, the choices we could make, etc etc.
-And sometimes we put off wondering, because wondering just causes even more wondering.

In the last week (a week of no blogging?!) I've done a bit of this and a bit of that:
DECISIONS: Researched jobs, contacted recruiters. Reviewed school programs and requirements...again. Contacted Bastyr and Linfield about potential visits. Ran errands. Paid bills. Wanted to start dating and thought long and hard about the reality that I'm so not ready for anything real and serious. Heck, these days I don't even know if I want to really be married again. Hemmed and hawed. Worried. Realized I'm bored. Am trying to be patient and trusting....

WORK: Finished grading. Had make-up exams. Inputted grades. Ended term. And visited my old center where I learned that the guys are not very thrilled with my replacement--sad day. Watched a documentary on the immunization debate. Looked up research potential for acupuncture & PTSD.

HEALTH: Made a real journal entry. Had a counseling appt which ended with the therapist wondering if she'd really helped--probably not, but she acknowledged that I'm in decision crunch time. -Cried. Laughed. Been annoyed. Been happy. Had my first acupuncture visit and scheduled a naturopathic visit. Went to church.

FAMILY: Talked to my parents (2x, both today). Helped finish the process of clearing out Granny's old place. Visited Granny in her new place again. Attended my cousin's holiday party and seriously had a great time chatting with her/her hub/sis and all her friends.

HOUSE: Decided not to put Christmas lights on my house. Almost burned the house down (well not really, but it did fill with smoke) due to multi-tasking and a Pinterest cooking fail. Showed three sets of contractors around the rental/property, as the landlords are taking bids on a much needed new roof. Had a great evening connecting more with my housemate.....and agreed to extend her stay into mid-end of January. Cleaned the house profusely--including wiping down almost all surfaces and for the first time ever actually mopping the kitchen floor.

DOGS: Dealt with two sick dogs (potential giardia), cleaned up their accidents, monitored their movements (fab, let me tell ya, fab), gave them pills, cooked special rice & chicken meals for them daily, return trip to the vet, and generally just lots of extra love and cuddles.

FRIENDS: Met T for happy hour. Had an awesome long evening of downtown drinking and fun with my gal R--a rough day sent us on the rounds: sushi for dinner, Papa Haydn's for dessert (I've always wanted to go), and ended at Bartini. Had two separate interactions with Tall D: Special meal prep morning for the dogs followed by accompanying him on a cross-town errand & a pre-scheduled lunch & chat that fell after Anna's vet appt. Had a phone date with one of my best gals from hs.

AND....wait for it......RUNNING & GOALS:

Today, almost best of all, I finally checked another Year 30 goal off the list: I made a total of 14 miles this afternoon! Half-marathon goal running solo is met, although technically the dogs came along---and I'm totally impressed at just how amazing they did too. Honestly I only planned to run about five miles and I set out originally without the dogs....but after making it down the street 1/10 mile I heard profuse barking gaining on me, which I recognized to be Roxi's....and recognized to mean that my two dogs were not in the yard. They were SO cute though and so excited to have figured out that this morning's contractor failed to shut the other gate, so I jogged them back and got the leashes out of the car. After hitching them up, we took off. At about mile 2.5, I realized I was feeling pretty great so decided I'd expand the loop to add an extra mile or so, except when I hit the turn around spot, I realized I would totally be able to keep going at least to the boys appt where if I really needed a ride I could probably get one, except when I got to their general area, I totally knew I could finish that loop to make at least a ten mile, and then once I hit about 8.5 miles, I figured what the heck, I felt good, I'd been smiling most the route and the dogs were holding steady, I might as well finish it out and add in some extra partial-routes to make the total half-marathon mileage. And honestly it felt good almost the whole way--no real aches or pains (I swear by acupuncture, especially since first appt was only yesterday), although I knew I'd start cramping if I stopped once I was at about mile 12. So all things considered, it turned into a 14 mile day, when I really only expected it to be a fiver.

Dogs rocked. Vibrams and feet held up fine. The rain was soothing. The wind was both a fun challenge and a motivator. My Ipod held out until 1/10 mile from the house. And I turned in the last mile nearing dark. I'm estimating about a 2hr, 30min time. Seriously---awesome. The dogs and I did it together---just like how life, this year, the future has turned out....and just as I wanted the finish for this milestone to be.

Fall Goal Review Wrap-Up

So lately I've had a few conversations with a couple of friends about goal-setting...and while I'll totally admit that I'm probably slightly overboard with goals these days, I also readily admit that they're part of what keeps me moving forward. Goals give me something to focus on, keep me pushing myself in new ways, and have the potential to motivate me into action on the days when I'm feeling unmotivated. I also recognize that goals are constantly evolving however and so even for my seasonal goals, I'm constantly editing/adding/changing things to better meet where I am and where I want to head. Plus I'm not going to lie, listing them on the blog (especially writing down whether or not I'm working out) definitely makes me more apt to get them done.

So what's gotten done in the last few months?

1) FUN STUFF:
--Learned a bit more about football from my family & one of my students actually gave me a cheat sheet of hand signals ;) Watched the PSU Vikings with T, went to the Winterhawks game with T, a buddy/coworker, & his lady, and this last week, T, her man, & I went to the Eric Church concert.

--I've spent the last few weeks getting my knee back up to par and have kept up with mileage/work-outs. I also completed the Run Like Hell 10k and still intend to make my half-marathon goal this year. I made two trips to the beach--one long weekend to my parent's and then the overnighter with the book club gals last weekend, and I got better about seeing/calling Granny, even though half the time she was gone! While she was in the hospital though, I made sure to see her every day.

2) YARD/HOUSE
--Raked, ripped out bushes, put the raised beds to rest, and attempted to reseed the grass (again). Dealt with chickens, got rid of short-term ant infestation, and handled the rat issue fairly well.
--Realized that I can't do anything about the Asian pear/ripping out of bushes on my own, so will wait til spring to take care of those. Also can't do the cedar chips without truck assistance.
--Brother came up and we moved furniture around, he sawed boards, and hung items for me.
--House was remade into MY home: reorganized and rearranged, Tall D's stuff completely moved out of house (except his guns) and some of his stuff from garage was relocated, pictures redone, front room turned into an office, and small decor upgrades happened.
--Pinterest inspired signs are made, still just selecting what to paint on them before hanging.

3) TRANSITIONS:
--Divorce finalized, quicker than I thought I'd be ready...and faster via the courts than expected.
--Turned down full-time job option and didn't get other jobs I'd wanted. Still searching options but returning to school might be the new direction (more on this below).
--Regularly attending church and getting something out of each Sunday. Not praying every day like I should, but still turning more toward pray than during the last several years....and still trusting that God is heading me in a new direction.
--Dropped off donations at Goodwill, passed on clothes to a coworker/friend, and still have automatic deductions for the charities I contribute to. Book club discussed finding an organization to volunteer with each quarter--looking forward to this happening.
--Debt--hohum. Well, if I go back to school, then those massive student loans aren't going to get smaller, but at this point I think I'm okay with this. Divorce oriented credit card still is in existence, but once my ring sells that will be applied to a chunk of the overall bill. Still sucking up the rent payment on my own (hemming & hawing about the room rental)....and trusting that all bills will get covered. Next term more income will come in, so it's partly just making it through this one. And no-buy November has held strong thus far---no new clothes nor kitchen/home decor items, just food, some social outings, and gas for the Sorento. Continuing to attempt to be satisfied with the abundance of which I already have.
--Counseling--still loving it and by the time each session rolls around, I'm needing it too. She's great to just roll my thoughts off of and while I'd done fairly well for the last few weeks, I'd lost it for the duration of Friday evening before Saturday's session due to feeling like I hadn't been enough in my marriage. She did a great job of making me see the holes in my thinking and to realize that what wasn't "enough" was due to his issues, not mine, and that there's nothing I could have done to have made the marriage be any more or any less than what it was. She also has me using a cognitive retraining strategy for when these negative self-talk episodes come on--we'll see if it works! Additionally, it was nice to bounce ideas off of her about going back to school (since I have reservations and while my family is supportive not all of my friends have been enthused with this idea), and to hear her support of my continuing to use this next year as a period of regrowth and exploration. Additionally we also broached conversation about the reality that I've been missing having legit male friends, which was something that sort of went by the wayside due to Tall D's wishes. I've always had lots of dude friends and have enjoyed the balance they allow from my female friends, but at this age it can be difficult to initiate those friendships without potential for one to interpret the wrong intention. However, I hit up one of my lifelong old buddies about this last night, and he gave me some great suggestions to put into practice.

Two additional goals that I deleted were going shooting and a fall fishing outing, because I knew that neither was going to happen.

YEAR 30 GOALS:
--At this point, I'm not so sure that Africa will happen, although I'm not giving up hope just yet. I also didn't book the ticket to spend Christmas in Argentina, as I'm not willing to increase my credit card debt that much in order to fulfill a life goal at this point. Again, returning to Argentina WILL happen---it just might not happen this year...and that also means I'm going to have to face the holidays back home...which I'm not overly looking forward to either.
--T and I plan on another kayaking outing...if the weather cooperates. :) And I'm delaying surfing lessons until the weather cooperates--haha. (Although I did just meet a new surfer at an orientation on Friday.)
--New direction: well, ya heard it, I'm currently enrolled to take 200-level Bio & Chem in Winter term. I've enrolled in one online class w/ an inperson lab and at another campus for the other course/lab in order to (hopefully) decrease my chances of being a classmate to my own students (something else we talked about in the counseling session). FAFSA is in, tuition waiver has been processed, and instructor pre-req overrides were granted to allow my registration. I've also been exploring options of medical careers that MIGHT fit best should I actually decide to go this route (I have two years of pre-reqs to either disqualify me or talk me out of it)...and on Friday I attended an initial exploration day at the local naturopathic college. I plan on visiting Bastyr up in Seattle also (plus they have more programs of study that interest me)...and I hope to do some informational interviews with local naturopaths. I'm also looking into a visitation day to Linfield for their accelerated nursing program. Other potential areas: nutrition/dietetics, certs for moms education courses/doula/breastfeeding. We'll see how this first term goes though, if it's a total struggle, then I'll head in a new direction....unless of course, dream job falls in my lap.

Since we're just about to move from Fall into (what I think of as) Winter and since I've just about accomplished the goals that I CAN get done at this point, I'm starting to think about goals for the next several months.

A few things on my mind: obviously continuing to work-out (even if this just transitions to 60 days of Insanity inside during the rainy season) but I really need to focus on cooking/eating. Tall D was the cook in the house and I'm horrible about not recognizing I'm hungry or need to eat until way late in the game when I live by myself. Thus I need to formulate a goal to ensure I'm eating enough and that nutritionally it's good food, especially on days where I'm burning lots of calories. Obviously I need to continue exploring new direction options: informational interviews and visiting programs. I need to decide whether or not to rent the spare room out for real, even if just to pay down the credit card, and whether or not I'm going to get rid of the chickens. And I really need to focus on making sure that every.single.day I'm devoting love & attention on my biggest two furry companions (especially since their faces have been in my lap at least 4-5x since I started writing this posting). In an ideal world, I'd like to continue expanding my social network (which I'm already in the process of doing) and ensuring that I'm getting out and about each week. I need to keep going to church and it'd be a great idea to set a goal of reading some books based in my spirituality each month. I'll need to set up a routine starting in January: for school, for work, and for visiting Granny (as she'll have transitioned up here by then). And I need to just plain make it through the holidays--enjoying the moments that I can and recognizing the moments that are harder.

What are you thinking of for goals for the next few months?!

Four Years

Shh....don't sell me out. I'm breaking my usual code and didn't ask my gal pictured above if I could put her on the blog, but I'm gonna!

The picture above is from four years ago....and it's a picture of our old cube that we shared in grad school. Oh the days of being a research assistant...and how much I still love all my girls I bonded with that year. CD was to our right and CP was on our back wall---and they all knew when I'd arrived to work the minute they heard my standard arrival sigh. ;)

However what you can't see on the laptop screen... is the 2008 election progression. The two of us also had a night course together and we were cuddled up in our cube monitoring results for the election before heading into class.
__________________________________________________________________
All this comes to mind not necessarily because today was also election day....but because early this afternoon my gal pictured above called me to chat on her commute across town....and she was the one who took me down memory lane of the above shared experience.

She also then made this comment "man, think of just how much our lives have changed in the last four years....." And we spent the next 5-10 minutes really pondering and sharing the enormous ways that our lives have altered and yet also remained the same within just four short years. Since it's not my role to share her life, I'll just list the following: We finished our program and passed our comprehensive exams. I met Tall D, got married, moved to Louisiana, took a job in a different field, completely changed and grew as a person, moved back to Oregon, took my dream job that merges both of my fields, got divorced, and am now heading in a new direction. I've traveled extensively across the south, bought a new car, and acquired six crazy animals into my care. My role in my family has changed, my friendships have grown/ended/altered, and I'm heading into a version of my future I would have never imagined. I've learned new skills and taken on new hobbies, I've followed dreams, and pushed myself to new physical realities.

What a difference four years can make.
__________________________________________________________________
This evening I was "that teacher" that wrote election results as they were reported on the board while my students took their second exam. I honestly had a hard time deciding to vote this year, until T gave me a much needed lecture on the fabulous freedom of being able to vote. Instead of voting on my usual three platform items, this year I decided "the big one" based on one solo factor. It took three tries to get my ballot delivered after missing the mail-in cut off date, but somehow I handed it off today and my mixed choices were...well, counted.

Late this evening as I watched the political posts flying across Facebook as the results continued, my own reaction felt more neutral than ever. However I also reflected on a re-election 8 years ago, as Granny and I watched horrified by the country's final decision. As a nation we survived those four years, just as we've made it through the last several years as well. I have faith that we'll make it through four more and then four more after that.....we won't always see the outcomes we want (daily, weekly, monthly, annually), but we have to believe in continuing to push the nation...and ourselves forward.....

....because honestly what a difference four years (or even one day) can make!

Happy Its November: Disappointments & Gratitudes

...and where has time gone? Those of you who know me or have been long-time readers know that a bit of a quiet spell means one of two things, either I got really busy or I'm not wanting to talk. This quiet spell was more of the later than the former, and while I've had plenty to say, I haven't wanted to process or share much at all.

So what's been up?
Well let's start with the frustrating stuff and end on good notes:

• I didn't get either of the two jobs I had applied for....and that I was banking on financially. While Portland is an incredibly competitive market, I'm not going to lie, I was really surprised and let down that I didn't get either one. I'd had mixed thoughts about one of the positions and the job I really wanted reported that I was a phenomenal candidate who they wanted to hire, but it still was a huge let down, especially for larger fundamental reasons....mainly being that I was really trying to put my trust in God that all was going to unfold easily. Trusting life/God/people isn't one of my strengths generally and usually I make safer decisions (ie I don't live off savings or acquire extra debt, I don't spend money to follow dreams, I take the first job offered, and I move/ go back to school at the first inclination of uncertainty of life rather than stay put....), but this time around I decided to take an alternative route that I thought was more grounded in my faith. Needless to say Thursday-Saturday of last week was a lot of disappointment, trying to keep myself from heading into a rabbit hole, and generally trying to avoid really thinking about it. 
• I've continued to realize that I have a lot of unresolved frustration/anger at Tall D and myself (and as I learned this weekend, at God as well), which only increases when life feels uncertain. While Tall D was incredibly supportive in a lot of ways this last week, I'm also cognizant of the reality that, for a time, we probably should not be routinely interacting much.
• Sometimes having six animals in the suburbs seems a bit overwhelming, especially now that the cats and chickens are back to being completely dependent on me for their feeding & other needs. It's usually during these periods that something else also occurs...such as the rat issue or the current ant infestation....never ends. :)

• Friday evening one of my gals came over for some quality time and support, as she's looking at a potential break-up with a longtime partner in her life. She picked up take-out from a Mexican food cart and after eating, we sat in front of the fireplace drinking wine and just chatting. She only stayed a couple hours but it was the perfect amount of time to lift her up in the ways that I could and also enjoy her companionship. She didn't ask too many questions about the most recent let-down and she let me share as I wanted about Tall D, while we discussed the realities and options that she has in front of her own life. It was a moment where I recognized that my own heartache will lead me to better support other individuals in my life throughout the future.
• Saturday my gal T and I fulfilled one of my fall goals and we went to PSU's football game. It was a lot of fun to be sitting in the stands, drinking beer, and cheering on the guys on the field....even if I was distracted by the reality that Tall D also randomly had tickets and was present at the game. Afterwards she and I headed to one of my favorite happy hour locations and relished reduced rate food & drinks.
• Yesterday I went to church--even if I wasn't sure I wanted to and in the end, like always, it was exactly what I needed. 
• Yesterday there was a text exchange between my best gal Deir and myself, in which she called out my anger toward God as one of the underlying current issues. I shared with her that my divorce was a breaking of my heart, where as this recent period of let down and uncertainty feels like a cracking or battle of my soul. Leave it to a lifelong friend to get directly to the point and also force me to realize that sometimes trusting goes beyond immediate circumstances. She helped remind me of things to work on about myself and in explaining my thoughts to her, I also was able to recognize some of my other fundamental issues. (And this is why she thinks I should be paying her rather than an outside counselor. ;))
• Last evening I finally started pulling myself out of the trenches. I got on craigslist and job sites searching both for jobs and housemates. I created a housing ad, emailed options, and applied for a (not likely but potential) job. I bookmarked other jobs and organizations to explore further. I explored the financial reality of attending massage school (ha-NOT likely!) and again looked up prereqs for other medical technical programs. I finally found a syllabus online for my old biostats class so I can argue my math placement at the local community college. I explored costs of going to school, graded the early assignments for the online course I teach, and recognized that I'm transitioning myself into the next stage of action. I realized that I can honestly probably eek by into the beginning of the year if not longer with my current employment and savings, even if it's not the most preferable situation.

And the reality is that even during the last few days I've noticed many of the simple joys of life:
--I'm in love with the leaves covering my backyard and the yards of my neighbors.
--I enjoyed the small blackbird chirping at me yesterday in a parking lot.
--Even while contemplating rehoming the chickens, I got complete joy out of watching them sprint barrel-chested across the yard this week.
--I was stoked beyond belief to learn the new Iphone will convert my talking into written emails. For a verbal processor, this is REVOLUTIONARY!!!
--I relished each sip of the peppermint latte I drank yesterday.
--I remembered to let yesterday's run be focused on FUN rather than pushing for extra mileage...and I high-fived a fellow runner who passed me, something I've always wanted to do. I hope it brought as big a smile to his face as it did to mine.
--I've been amazed at the tenacity of the ants scouring for new food sources.
--I've been warmed and mesmerized by the flicker of the fire.
--Such joy at the sunshine and warmth of yesterday, as I kept the screen doors open filling the house with neighborhood sounds and scents.

It's amazing how animals/humans can feel such contradictory emotions, but even in the midst of disappointment and frustration, gratitude and simple enjoyment still remain. Here's hoping that the right opportunities will present themselves in the next few weeks to month, that patience and trust will regain, and that each of you has been having a pleasant start to this beautiful month of November!

Finalized

This morning I drank my coffee out of one of my old stand-by mugs: it's seafoam green--one of my favorite colors, a tall cup, and one that I took the time to paint and have fired in my hometown. It was my favorite mug that I had in my first solo apartment in 2005 and I've continued to keep it even though....it's broken. The handle broke off in a dishwasher unloading accident not too long after I made it--but it still holds coffee, it still is beautiful, and it is the perfect shape to wrap my hands around. The parts where the handle affixed are a stark white in comparison, bumpy, and if I'm not careful can poke my skin.....but yet, over the years, I've continued to hold on to and cherish it even with its imperfections.

Late morning I went for a run...I needed to clear my mind and to process even in 50 degrees and non-stop rain. Ironically soon into it I found a perfect rhythm, I put my hood down and took my cap off, and lifted my face into the soothing rain. I stopped over by the bus stop near Intel and filled my cap with nuts dropped from the trees, which I then balled up and stuffed into my sweatshirt pocket, before running the rest of the route with this sack bouncing against my ribs upon my return. I came home and emptied them into the glass hurricane on the counter, replicating a similar fall decor I used in my original downtown apartment in 2007, when life was much simpler and yet much was unknown. The glass vessel is the same one I used to capture Major's "gifts," the same one that let me see that my mouse was actually a rat, and that helped me to purge and dispose (although sadly) of the rodents. The glass vessel now holds something basic yet ornamental--and in some ways the return to an old decor is almost like life coming full circle.

This morning I pushed myself to finish my run even though multiple times I didn't see the point and wanted to quit. To keep going I repeated over and over mantras of things I still need to work on "Divorce is okay," "Everyone fails," "Mistakes teach life lessons," "Accept the reality," although at times I still got hung up and realized that as of yet...I still have not entirely LET GO. The run was completed, the end was sprinted, the knee held out, and although I made less mileage this month than last I still made what I'd hoped to accomplish.

It was a good Friday evening through Monday overall. I pushed myself to attend a Halloween get together with an old undergrad friend--I made small talk even when I didn't want to, I smiled, I chatted, I devoured the most amazing pumpkin martini ever, and I left feeling satisfied that I had done something that I struggle sometimes with doing but that also felt good. Saturday I had my next counseling session where I processed a list of items I'd created....and the evening ended with a new experience with two of my gals: eating Moroccan downtown--delish. Sunday included getting my butt to church and visiting an old high school buddy & his family who I haven't dedicated much time to in the last year. I finished my grading in record time that night and spent the rest of the evening just enjoying life and loving on my critters. Monday was just as productive with three hours in the yard, a good catch up and run with G, & then dinner at my favorite pub with G...and Tall D. And the weekend taught me that I don't necessarily miss the marriage...but I definitely miss the companionship. Yet life goes on. We enjoy, we relish, we push ourselves in new ways.

....and four days after we filed, judgment on the divorce was granted. Notification arrived yesterday....that I've been divorced since Friday. Ironically...even when you sign and you know it's coming....its reality still feels....well, strange. Divorced? Who me? But yes, that's now my real reality....

And while some would debate me on this, I can't help but think that someone greater than all of us granted this transition in life to happen and in fact, gave it His blessing. In a county known for weeks to months for divorces to be granted...this one took four days...maybe I'm seeing signs where they don't exist, but these days I need all the signs I can get.

Still accepting, still embracing, still transitioning.....but the reality of life is....one door is shut and it's time to step across the threshold to see what the future will hold......

...although my therapist did put the kaboosh on any dating for 1-1.5 years :)

Closing in on Finality & Some Gratitudes

Yesterday evening Tall D called and came by. He loaded up some of the stuff out of the garage, we filled out the divorce paperwork, and arranged a time to head to the courthouse today for filing. After he left, I let the tears fall as they may and Anna lay by the front door sad to be left behind, I graded, I mourned, and I went to bed early.

This morning he came by as scheduled. We stopped by Starbucks to pick up coffee and we headed back to the same courthouse where our journey into marriage began 3 and 1/2 years ago. After finishing one final section, the paperwork was notarized, we paid the fees, and if everything was filled out as required, the divorce should be granted within a few weeks. (If not, they mail it back and we re-submit.) We drove back to the house slowly and then sat in the truck at the end of the driveway talking for a bit--catching up on the last several weeks, discussing separate holiday plans, saying the few things we'd allow ourselves to say about how we felt, sharing that we'd still do it over again given the opportunity, acknowledging the difficulty of trying to see each other but tentatively talking about backpacking next summer, attempting to arrange pick-ups for the rest of his stuff, and giving each other one final long hug and emotional verbal exchange before I hopped out of the truck, ran inside, and let the tears fall in the safety of my own home.

Divorce is hard. It's sad. It's bittersweet. It's not like you all don't know that...but I could never have even imagined what it would be like...except by going through it.

In some ways, Tall D and I are fortunate. We've almost always had separate finances, so selecting how to navigate after the divorce in terms of finances is easy. He pays for what's his. I pay for what's mine. Most the details of other bills and things have already been separated and arranged over the course of the months of our separation. There's one more official account to split and then there are two smaller things that I'll still use under his name until upgrades can be made. Everyone keeps telling me to be grateful that we also don't have kids, although I have mixed thoughts about this, since I do want kids....and I think Tall D would have donated great gene material....  I've agreed to continue to house some of his stuff that is tucked along one side of the garage until he can figure out another option eventually, although based on recent circumstances, he might be needing some of it sooner rather than later.

Honestly in some ways, at least with Tall D, and I think with the end of a lot of relationships, it's just that sadness of having to truly force a separation between yourself and another individual who in many ways has been your best friend, your confidant, and that person that you just actually enjoy spending so much time with. Even with the many ways I've felt unsatisfied/unfilled in my marriage or that I felt I wasn't enough for him, I've still really enjoyed the good moments and having someone to spend so many moments with---period. As much as we drove each other batty and left each other worse for the wear in some ways, it's partly because we're both slightly batty to begin with...and in ways that only we get about each other. I also do know that separation between us must ensue, at least for a while, as it's so incredibly hard to see him and continue to recognize the forced change that must exist between us. It's also hard to be okay with him potentially being with someone else or wanting to move on myself if we were to continue spending time together. As much as I want both of us to "get it right" and be happy in the future, it's still a difficult process to watch happen, when you're also still trying to process that it wasn't you who could make it work with that same partner.

All that being said, I am feeling grateful this evening as well. Maybe it was the 3.4 mile jog this afternoon, maybe it was letting myself cry as needed throughout the day, maybe it was a well-timed conversation with a coworker during my quick trip to campus this afternoon, maybe it was happy hour with T this evening--whatever it was and is, I also recognize that I am and have been fortunate:

--I'm fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet and spend so much time with Tall D. For the lessons he taught me about myself...and the difficult reality of him finally choosing to let me go. For the opportunity to meet the man he thought he wanted to be...and the newer reality of getting to choose in the future to embrace in my friend set the actual man that he is.

--I'm fortunate to have a great job that I love. For wonderful & supportive coworkers. For the ability to set my own schedule and to know in advance about job security. For two interviews lined up for this week and the opportunity to add needed employment.

--I'm fortunate to be in one of my physical primes. To be embracing good health and reaffirming the notion of balanced health. To be able to run longer distances than before. To be mindful of where I am, where I've been, and where I'm going.

--I'm fortunate to have the capacity to pray as I desire. To believe in God & His son Jesus Christ. To feel their reaffirmed presence in my life and to recognize their guiding hand along the way. To open Bibles and "stumble" upon the passages I most need to read & hear.

--I'm fortunate to be surrounded physically and emotionally by so many wonderful individuals in my life. To have reconnected with old friends, to have made new friends just when I needed them the most. to have developed renewed relationships with many of my family members. To feel unconditional support and love in the truest form from so many has really been amazing.

--I'm fortunate to live in a nation where I have access to things like clean water, curbside garbage and recycling pick-up, so many freedoms, and so many valuable laws to protect us.

--And... I'm grateful for the hope of the future. Even though I have difficult days wondering if the future really could hold the hopes of my heart, I can't help but continue to hope that this shut door might truly lead to a piece of the future I long for...and have longed for. So even though I won't be ready for that future for some time now, I pray and dream that it's reality won't be as far away as I fear...and I'm grateful for the opportunity to believe in its existence again.

--And many thanks to you: those of you who read, comment, and brighten my day with your encouragement, humor, and support. To those who write words that leave me moved, impassioned, and nodding my head in recognition of similar lives. And to those of you who quietly read from a near or far distance. May you each find your own moments of gratitude out of the sorrows that so readily can exist in our lives.

Where one chapter closes, another one duly begins.