So here's a raw life post based on a big item that's on my mind and heart these days...and where sometimes when I'm on trail....I think about the darnest things.....
....and sometimes I go on trail and think about some things because I wake up feeling a bit lonely and wishing there was someone else to so deeply share life, thoughts, love with....
...most days I recognize that romantic love (having it or not) does not define who I am, my purpose, nor where I am supposed to be heading....but man, sometimes it'd just be great to, well, have a man :)
....but of course not just any man...cause let's get real I'm not the easiest woman in the world...and I'd like a partner who is heading in the same direction with the same values and his own solid foundation. Finding a man just to spend time with is easy, but finding a man to spend and create a life with....now THAT proves to be a challenge.
It doesn't help that I'm a *slight* hodge podge of pieces of things (military and somewhat socialistic OR country and liberal don't always go together for example....but all these things are pieces of me also). It also doesn't seem to help that my mind rarely turns off and while I totally love to go explore, I'm also a major home body :)
But one day when I was on trail slightly bummed about being single for so much of my adult life (most my 20s I didn't "waste time dating" when I could focus on work/school), I started doing a little bit of math....
....and that led me to realize that in the 4ish years/48ish months since my separation and eventual divorce I've: unfortunately (although I learned a lot...) been involved with my ex for about 16-20ish of those months, dated about 5 other guys for a total of another 13 or so months, was not emotionally available to attempt dating at least 6-12 of those additional months, and yet still managed at least 20 other first dates in the 6-12 months that I've been "available" (including taking a guy out for lunch in Tanzania and meeting up with a date while in Argentina). Based on those general numbers, I realized that I really cannot complain....
....the other math I routinely do is the total estimated population of single males on this planet. Granted I have no real numbers for this...but world population is about 7 billion. If you cut that in half that's 3.5 billion. Even if we discount for outside the age categories, same sex preferences, and those that are already married....um, that still leaves a LARGE population of potential partners :) And while I have come to realize that I probably should end up with someone who has a similar background & culture, that's STILL a large potential pool. Additionally, I live in ONE city in ONE state in ONE nation. I've been out with "just" 25ish men in three cities/countries...I really cannot complain.
....and all that being said I also realize that potentially there's the chance that I truly won't meet a lifetime partner and some days I'm better at accepting that. I don't believe I HAVE to spend my life with someone else. If there's one thing Reg D was adamant about, it was that I became as independent as possible, which in a lot of ways helped me to return to realizing that I truly can do life on my own if need be (including adopting kiddos). But the thing is that it's a WANT vs a NEED thing. I don't NEED a partner....but I WANT one. Someone who can see life similarly but also challenge my thinking, someone who has their own hobbies but has some shared fun, someone who is working on making this world a "better" (healthier/more caring/more sustained) place, someone who can balance out aspects of myself, someone who can focus long-term on just (this) one woman...and who also wants a family, someone who can find the joy in the ordinary things...and maybe, just maybe could he also have a killer smile, a twinkle in his eyes, and be able to rock a 5 o'clock shadow while wearing a sexy pair of utility pants-ha! :)
....which truthfully brings me to where I currently am....open to introductions, online options, chance meetings, and lots of hopeful thinking/praying/arguing with God on this topic :) I'm back online (which is not my preferred manner of meeting people) and trying to keep an open mind. I work in a female dominated environment, tend to not have too much energy for volunteering these days, I live in the suburbs and tend to really enjoy relaxing in my cozy home, and meeting people in bars/church doesn't seem to pan out in my favor (especially when my relationship with God is a bit different than some churchy notions and I don't really want a relationship based on booze/beer).....so generally online it is. There are times when I talk to the man upstairs and feel answers arrive on my heart...but sometimes I feel like this is one that just might not come to fruition and I don't blame Him. When I have a partner in my life, I tend to lose sight of Him and of the other items He puts on my heart to do with my life. What I'm arguing with Him about is the reality of presenting a partner who is already ON the same path that He wants me to head toward/stay on, because man the idea of having a partner to share that journey with sounds much more rewarding and fulfilling and TWO working toward His same goal is much better than just one! :)
So while this post is meant to be more entertaining, thought-provoking, and sharing more than anything, you're more than welcome to join in my positive thinking/hoping/praying for an awesome guy to mosey on in to this journey of life with me... Ha!
Showing posts with label DatiNG. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DatiNG. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
The Unwinding of Summer
Summer is coming to a close.
My last two finals to take are tomorrow.
The last outdoor trek of the summer happens this weekend.
And what a summer it's been.
In the midst of all the current tiredness, I can't help but feel that I am so incredibly fortunate to be so tired. That all the moments of tiredness are and were so worth the moments with friends, with family, with movement toward the future, or with growth through goals.
So what were the highlights of Summer 2014?
1) I made it through another dual term. I taught three separate courses this summer-one of which was a new class for me. I thoroughly enjoyed my students this summer. I took four massage courses this term and I fell in love with many of the Eastern modalities. I'm registered for my final term. I'm scheduled and prepared for teaching this fall. I created a career plan that reflects the next two years and I know that I'm headed toward even more growth.
2) Per usual there were a lot of awesome outdoor adventures (all of which I wish I would have blogged about separately). There was a kayak outing on the Tualatin River, a solo SUP morning, and a day of kayaking with visiting friends. There were multiple solo day hikes, long day hikes with the ex-husband/Tall D as we reacquainted our friendship, and a few date hikes or runs with different dudes as well. There was a lot of running mileage as I continue to progress toward my goal of 900 miles this year. There was a women's weekend where I finally got to attempt surfing. There was the best back packing trip I've ever been on with one of my favorite massage school gals. There was a recent day of exploring Olympic National Park (with a hike, lots of driving, and a beach trek) with Tall D. And tomorrow he and I leave for a long backpacking weekend in the Wallowas in eastern Oregon.
3) There were a lot of awesome visitors! I had one of my best gals from high school in town for a night in August. Earlier summer included dinner/kayaking with one of my best gals from grad school and her boyfriend, my buddy R who relocated to Texas and I hiked in to float on a mountain lake, one of the housemates from last summer stopped by for dinner on his move to Seattle, one of my undergrad friends brought her husband for dinner while they visited to explore moving to Portland (they're moving here in December and returning for another visit in two weekends), and I met a favorite high school buddy and his fiance for happy hour when they passed through town. I also hosted local acquaintances who I don't get to see as frequently: an afternoon of tapas at the house with an old hometown mentee and her boyfriend and I happily reconnected with an ex-who-was-my-best-friend-for-years and his wife.
4) Granny celebrated her 103rd birthday! We celebrated per usual with a family BBQ on her actual day and the female clan tea party on Saturday. It's always great to honor the queen and to reconnect with many of the extended family who comes home to help celebrate.
5) I celebrated my 32nd birthday...and it was a phenomenal celebration this year. After all our history, Tall D still has a knack for making me feel especially special and appreciated on my day. This year I had my high school gal here during the weekend before my birthday and then on my actual day the two Ds and I hiked into a secluded lake and floated around in tubes with some beers. In the evening, I went out to my favorite Mexican restaurant with a handful of friends. And the day after my birthday, Tall D had gotten me tickets to one of our favorite soulful artists. It just so happened that one of my local gals and her husband also had tickets so we were able to connect with them at the venue. Such an incredible birthday this year--I definitely felt so special!
6) I dated someone new for several months and helped refine what I'm looking for and grasped a better idea of what matters versus what we think matters in the bigger picture. I had a lot of fun. I learned new things. I was amazed by the thoughtfulness he put into creating simple dates and at times I felt incredibly spoiled. ....and in the end, our timing wasn't right, the pairing was and wasn't right, and I decided to put dating on hold for a bit again...unless that "right" man falls in my lap of course. Har har.
7) I preserved a LOT of food. One of my personal goals for this year was to try to grow more and preserve more than any year before....and I am really happy with the outcomes, while also knowing that even bigger gains are possible in years to come. This year I canned: peaches, pears, salsa, pasta sauce, diced tomatoes, applesauce, pear butter, plums. In the freezer are: blueberries, raspberries, cherries, marionberries, strawberry freezer jam, kale, grapes, shredded zucchini, rhubarb, mint. This year I planted: tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, carrots, lettuce, kale, spinach, leeks, strawberries, brussel sprouts, cabbage, onions, peas, green beans, corn, and beets. The brussel sprouts got ripped out due to battling bugs that spread to the cabbage & eventually the kale, the spinach went to seed quickly, I battled with mean bee and yellow jackets nests (twice), I learned that co-planting snap peas around the tomato cages is a bad idea, the zucchini didn't seem to like it's new location, I can never keep up with the green beans in time, and my absolute favorite thing I grew were the beets. I also harvested grapes from the neighbors vines that I let go crazy over the fence, I replanted artichoke plants, I left the garlic alone, I picked mint/rhubarb/marionberries from the yard, and the kiwi is absolutely loaded (for harvesting in December).
8) There were a lot of chicken transitions and build projects. At the end of the summer I currently have four hens. Two separate batches of Americauanas with one gray hen from my original batch that produced her and two roosters and then two new brown hens that are still growing. There is also a lil black Banty that came from my middle hen acquisition attempt....and she's currently laying! :) Build projects included continuing to tweak the rebuilt/moved coop, indulging in a few hammock recoup sessions under the rebuilt arbor, and this summer also yielded a date day of demolishing and building compost bins from old pallets.
9) Beyond my long term massage classmate/housemate, there was a young housemate here for two months who desired lots of companionship and to see parts of Portland/nearby. I spent a lot of time in conversations with her and we also took trips to the Gorge, into downtown, and down to Silver Creek Falls. Her youthful energy was fun and reminded me a lot of a much younger version of myself. That gal is destined for some pretty great things.
My last two finals to take are tomorrow.
The last outdoor trek of the summer happens this weekend.
And what a summer it's been.
In the midst of all the current tiredness, I can't help but feel that I am so incredibly fortunate to be so tired. That all the moments of tiredness are and were so worth the moments with friends, with family, with movement toward the future, or with growth through goals.
So what were the highlights of Summer 2014?
1) I made it through another dual term. I taught three separate courses this summer-one of which was a new class for me. I thoroughly enjoyed my students this summer. I took four massage courses this term and I fell in love with many of the Eastern modalities. I'm registered for my final term. I'm scheduled and prepared for teaching this fall. I created a career plan that reflects the next two years and I know that I'm headed toward even more growth.
2) Per usual there were a lot of awesome outdoor adventures (all of which I wish I would have blogged about separately). There was a kayak outing on the Tualatin River, a solo SUP morning, and a day of kayaking with visiting friends. There were multiple solo day hikes, long day hikes with the ex-husband/Tall D as we reacquainted our friendship, and a few date hikes or runs with different dudes as well. There was a lot of running mileage as I continue to progress toward my goal of 900 miles this year. There was a women's weekend where I finally got to attempt surfing. There was the best back packing trip I've ever been on with one of my favorite massage school gals. There was a recent day of exploring Olympic National Park (with a hike, lots of driving, and a beach trek) with Tall D. And tomorrow he and I leave for a long backpacking weekend in the Wallowas in eastern Oregon.
At the end of our Herman Creek backpacking trip.
Short Sands surfing
3) There were a lot of awesome visitors! I had one of my best gals from high school in town for a night in August. Earlier summer included dinner/kayaking with one of my best gals from grad school and her boyfriend, my buddy R who relocated to Texas and I hiked in to float on a mountain lake, one of the housemates from last summer stopped by for dinner on his move to Seattle, one of my undergrad friends brought her husband for dinner while they visited to explore moving to Portland (they're moving here in December and returning for another visit in two weekends), and I met a favorite high school buddy and his fiance for happy hour when they passed through town. I also hosted local acquaintances who I don't get to see as frequently: an afternoon of tapas at the house with an old hometown mentee and her boyfriend and I happily reconnected with an ex-who-was-my-best-friend-for-years and his wife.
4) Granny celebrated her 103rd birthday! We celebrated per usual with a family BBQ on her actual day and the female clan tea party on Saturday. It's always great to honor the queen and to reconnect with many of the extended family who comes home to help celebrate.
5) I celebrated my 32nd birthday...and it was a phenomenal celebration this year. After all our history, Tall D still has a knack for making me feel especially special and appreciated on my day. This year I had my high school gal here during the weekend before my birthday and then on my actual day the two Ds and I hiked into a secluded lake and floated around in tubes with some beers. In the evening, I went out to my favorite Mexican restaurant with a handful of friends. And the day after my birthday, Tall D had gotten me tickets to one of our favorite soulful artists. It just so happened that one of my local gals and her husband also had tickets so we were able to connect with them at the venue. Such an incredible birthday this year--I definitely felt so special!
6) I dated someone new for several months and helped refine what I'm looking for and grasped a better idea of what matters versus what we think matters in the bigger picture. I had a lot of fun. I learned new things. I was amazed by the thoughtfulness he put into creating simple dates and at times I felt incredibly spoiled. ....and in the end, our timing wasn't right, the pairing was and wasn't right, and I decided to put dating on hold for a bit again...unless that "right" man falls in my lap of course. Har har.
A bonfire at the beach with the dude, dogs, brats, tunes.
7) I preserved a LOT of food. One of my personal goals for this year was to try to grow more and preserve more than any year before....and I am really happy with the outcomes, while also knowing that even bigger gains are possible in years to come. This year I canned: peaches, pears, salsa, pasta sauce, diced tomatoes, applesauce, pear butter, plums. In the freezer are: blueberries, raspberries, cherries, marionberries, strawberry freezer jam, kale, grapes, shredded zucchini, rhubarb, mint. This year I planted: tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, carrots, lettuce, kale, spinach, leeks, strawberries, brussel sprouts, cabbage, onions, peas, green beans, corn, and beets. The brussel sprouts got ripped out due to battling bugs that spread to the cabbage & eventually the kale, the spinach went to seed quickly, I battled with mean bee and yellow jackets nests (twice), I learned that co-planting snap peas around the tomato cages is a bad idea, the zucchini didn't seem to like it's new location, I can never keep up with the green beans in time, and my absolute favorite thing I grew were the beets. I also harvested grapes from the neighbors vines that I let go crazy over the fence, I replanted artichoke plants, I left the garlic alone, I picked mint/rhubarb/marionberries from the yard, and the kiwi is absolutely loaded (for harvesting in December).
8) There were a lot of chicken transitions and build projects. At the end of the summer I currently have four hens. Two separate batches of Americauanas with one gray hen from my original batch that produced her and two roosters and then two new brown hens that are still growing. There is also a lil black Banty that came from my middle hen acquisition attempt....and she's currently laying! :) Build projects included continuing to tweak the rebuilt/moved coop, indulging in a few hammock recoup sessions under the rebuilt arbor, and this summer also yielded a date day of demolishing and building compost bins from old pallets.
9) Beyond my long term massage classmate/housemate, there was a young housemate here for two months who desired lots of companionship and to see parts of Portland/nearby. I spent a lot of time in conversations with her and we also took trips to the Gorge, into downtown, and down to Silver Creek Falls. Her youthful energy was fun and reminded me a lot of a much younger version of myself. That gal is destined for some pretty great things.
Portland Rose Garden
10) In the down moments, I spent a lot of time continuing to reflect...on growth, on how to align opposing versions of myself and land somewhere in the middle, on where life might potentially head. I had a few great afternoons laying in the hammock or suntanning on the back patio. I watched a couple great documentaries and tore through some sessions with various books from the library. I met up and spent dinners/happy hour/coffees with some of my closest local Portland friends. I remembered to grant myself grace, to be comfortable with and proud of what I see when I look in the mirror, and to embrace the constantly evolving nature of life. And at the end of the summer, as tired as I might be, I'm again so grateful for a rewarding experience of life that passed along. While it might not have felt as epic or total fun as last summer, this summer felt pretty darn fulfilling!
Hope y'all had a wonderful last few months as well!
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Brain Dump of Recent Events
Life has been a whirlwind. I love how whenever I expect things to slow down, then things totally get packed in :)
--One thing I didn't mention in my last update post is that on the run date, we actually crossed paths with an old acquaintance of mine from my hometown. I got in touch with the guy via FB to find out if it was really him, which led to happy hour, which led to dinner & drinks during the next week with our one of our many mutual friends and his wife (who happens to be a former boyfriend and then we were best friends for years after the fact). So literally in the span of three days, I saw the two guys from my hometown who I hadn't really seen in 6-10 years, finally got the opportunity to meet the one guy's wife (who I loved...they are so wonderful together!), plus hosted my old undergrad friend and her husband who I had only seen once in the last ten years also (and they might be moving up here!!). Lots of reconnecting with some amazing people. Tonight I'm meeting up with the old acquaintance and another gal from our hometown in order to run Mt Tabor.
--I spent a morning Upicking cherries and then drove to my sister's for a fun morning/early afternoon of making strawberry freezer jam. And then on Saturday, I accomplished my simple goal of getting up with the sun on the solstice and embracing the whole day :)
--The second new housemate arrived and so far she's been great. She's only here for two months and based on how the summer is already going, I have a feeling those two months are going to fly by! Compromising some as with all living situations, but it's wonderful to feel like the house might be settled for a bit (fingers crossed....).
--I don't want to post too much about all my adventures and interactions lately BUT I had an amazing Sunday of making pies from scratch with left over strawberries from the jam making and rhubarb that was picked from the garden....followed up with riding on the back of a motorcycle through the backroads of my local area. It was SO.MUCH.FUN and I had a smile plastered to my face the whole time. It'd been forever since I'd been on a bike and it was incredible to see the country fields and farms from a different perspective with the breeze whipping us and the sun shining down. All of the mountains were visible in the distance, big American flags were flapping on farm lands, cows and alpacas were out in the fields, and it was fun leaning around all the curvy roads. The rest of that day was also pretty stellar with dinner thrown together and eaten on the patio with sparkly lights lit around and an easy walk with the dogs around the neighborhood. Things in life aren't always simple....but the moments that are easy and free seem to make life feel more spectacular.
--I celebrated the end of the massage term, so technically this week and next I'm "on vacation." Although my new work term started this week and I taught my first inperson course of summer term last night. My classmate and I are heading on our first backpacking trip Sunday-Tuesday and we're both pretty stoked. I just got a new backpacking book which has some great new trails to check out in it, and the old backpacking buddy (reg D) and I have been trying to figure out when we can get out on the trail together. He also came out with my massage classmates and I to help us celebrate the end of our term and so I could finally introduce old and new backpacking friends :) It'd be great if the three of us can manage a trip together. See again...this summer is going to be a blur! ;)
--We had our second book club meet up and I'm so happy to be back at it with these gals. Each one of them is so dear to me! We're reading: The Other Wes Moore this month, which is a book I've been wanting to read for a while, so I'm looking forward to it.
--Lil Jenny chicken passed on, so now the two mainstay ladies are full-time in the coop. They don't seem to be the brightest two of the bunch but they're still loads of entertainment at the moment! ;) In mid July I'll get two more chicks and raise them in the kennels until I can try to transition any survivors into the coop with the two that I have. Ideally I'd like to have at least 2-3 bigger laying hens for eggs and right now I just have one big bird and a small to mid sized bird.
--I've still been struggling with lower leg issues since trying to stage a comeback in the last few months. I'd finally paid to have one of my instructors work on my left ankle as it has been the thing causing me the most trouble. While it's definitely muscular, the bones in my foot and leg are pulling away from each other which isn't the most pleasant sensation and doesn't make running much fun. I've been wondering if different footwear might help, so I sucked it up this week and tried out new options at REI. While I'd been wanting to do minimalist shoes, none of them felt comfortable, so for now I'm trying out a pair of solid Brooks. Yesterday's run was less than pleasant also as my legs try to adjust to using my muscles a little differently. I've been hoping to run a half this summer, but at this point I know that I'd have to retrain back up to it and until I figure out the footwear issue....that plan might be on the back burner.
--The garden is seriously doing better than any other year that I've been in the house. Not only is my one raised bed going crazy, but the berries/grapes/kiwi are heavy with the start of fruit. I also was able to get the front planted like I'd hoped and it's fun seeing stuff trying to come up in a new spot. I have been lacking motivation for the last few days to work on yard stuff, but hopefully next week I'll get a few more projects done!
--Besides everything already mentioned there were a few other times of going out with friends or new people and hosting others at the house. Needless to say, as an introvert who sometimes passes as an extrovert, I've been spending this week in hibernation as much as possible so I can recharge. I've spent plenty of time just lounging on the patio or in the hammock doing nothing, working, thinking, or reading...relishing the simple pleasures and awesomeness of the backyard. As much as I absolutely love connecting with all the amazing people I have in life, I also tend to need some solo time for myself. It's been lovely to get a few days during the middle of this week to do just that....especially since tomorrow I'll see two separate friends coming from out of town, Saturday is schedule to be a hike/beach outing, and Sunday-Tuesday is backpacking time. For the fourth, I'm taking the dogs and Granny to the beach to save Roxi from the chaos of 4th of july fireworks in the neighborhood and then the following week is when I'll now have four different out of state friends all passing through in the same 4-5 days :) Ha! So excited to see everyone, but definitely glad for some time to recharge this week :) It seems like the theme of this summer is just taking things in stride. Accepting the chaos and seeking out the simple moments that exist too.
Hope you all have been doing wonderfully!
--One thing I didn't mention in my last update post is that on the run date, we actually crossed paths with an old acquaintance of mine from my hometown. I got in touch with the guy via FB to find out if it was really him, which led to happy hour, which led to dinner & drinks during the next week with our one of our many mutual friends and his wife (who happens to be a former boyfriend and then we were best friends for years after the fact). So literally in the span of three days, I saw the two guys from my hometown who I hadn't really seen in 6-10 years, finally got the opportunity to meet the one guy's wife (who I loved...they are so wonderful together!), plus hosted my old undergrad friend and her husband who I had only seen once in the last ten years also (and they might be moving up here!!). Lots of reconnecting with some amazing people. Tonight I'm meeting up with the old acquaintance and another gal from our hometown in order to run Mt Tabor.
--I spent a morning Upicking cherries and then drove to my sister's for a fun morning/early afternoon of making strawberry freezer jam. And then on Saturday, I accomplished my simple goal of getting up with the sun on the solstice and embracing the whole day :)
--The second new housemate arrived and so far she's been great. She's only here for two months and based on how the summer is already going, I have a feeling those two months are going to fly by! Compromising some as with all living situations, but it's wonderful to feel like the house might be settled for a bit (fingers crossed....).
--I don't want to post too much about all my adventures and interactions lately BUT I had an amazing Sunday of making pies from scratch with left over strawberries from the jam making and rhubarb that was picked from the garden....followed up with riding on the back of a motorcycle through the backroads of my local area. It was SO.MUCH.FUN and I had a smile plastered to my face the whole time. It'd been forever since I'd been on a bike and it was incredible to see the country fields and farms from a different perspective with the breeze whipping us and the sun shining down. All of the mountains were visible in the distance, big American flags were flapping on farm lands, cows and alpacas were out in the fields, and it was fun leaning around all the curvy roads. The rest of that day was also pretty stellar with dinner thrown together and eaten on the patio with sparkly lights lit around and an easy walk with the dogs around the neighborhood. Things in life aren't always simple....but the moments that are easy and free seem to make life feel more spectacular.
--I celebrated the end of the massage term, so technically this week and next I'm "on vacation." Although my new work term started this week and I taught my first inperson course of summer term last night. My classmate and I are heading on our first backpacking trip Sunday-Tuesday and we're both pretty stoked. I just got a new backpacking book which has some great new trails to check out in it, and the old backpacking buddy (reg D) and I have been trying to figure out when we can get out on the trail together. He also came out with my massage classmates and I to help us celebrate the end of our term and so I could finally introduce old and new backpacking friends :) It'd be great if the three of us can manage a trip together. See again...this summer is going to be a blur! ;)
--We had our second book club meet up and I'm so happy to be back at it with these gals. Each one of them is so dear to me! We're reading: The Other Wes Moore this month, which is a book I've been wanting to read for a while, so I'm looking forward to it.
--Lil Jenny chicken passed on, so now the two mainstay ladies are full-time in the coop. They don't seem to be the brightest two of the bunch but they're still loads of entertainment at the moment! ;) In mid July I'll get two more chicks and raise them in the kennels until I can try to transition any survivors into the coop with the two that I have. Ideally I'd like to have at least 2-3 bigger laying hens for eggs and right now I just have one big bird and a small to mid sized bird.
--I've still been struggling with lower leg issues since trying to stage a comeback in the last few months. I'd finally paid to have one of my instructors work on my left ankle as it has been the thing causing me the most trouble. While it's definitely muscular, the bones in my foot and leg are pulling away from each other which isn't the most pleasant sensation and doesn't make running much fun. I've been wondering if different footwear might help, so I sucked it up this week and tried out new options at REI. While I'd been wanting to do minimalist shoes, none of them felt comfortable, so for now I'm trying out a pair of solid Brooks. Yesterday's run was less than pleasant also as my legs try to adjust to using my muscles a little differently. I've been hoping to run a half this summer, but at this point I know that I'd have to retrain back up to it and until I figure out the footwear issue....that plan might be on the back burner.
--The garden is seriously doing better than any other year that I've been in the house. Not only is my one raised bed going crazy, but the berries/grapes/kiwi are heavy with the start of fruit. I also was able to get the front planted like I'd hoped and it's fun seeing stuff trying to come up in a new spot. I have been lacking motivation for the last few days to work on yard stuff, but hopefully next week I'll get a few more projects done!
--Besides everything already mentioned there were a few other times of going out with friends or new people and hosting others at the house. Needless to say, as an introvert who sometimes passes as an extrovert, I've been spending this week in hibernation as much as possible so I can recharge. I've spent plenty of time just lounging on the patio or in the hammock doing nothing, working, thinking, or reading...relishing the simple pleasures and awesomeness of the backyard. As much as I absolutely love connecting with all the amazing people I have in life, I also tend to need some solo time for myself. It's been lovely to get a few days during the middle of this week to do just that....especially since tomorrow I'll see two separate friends coming from out of town, Saturday is schedule to be a hike/beach outing, and Sunday-Tuesday is backpacking time. For the fourth, I'm taking the dogs and Granny to the beach to save Roxi from the chaos of 4th of july fireworks in the neighborhood and then the following week is when I'll now have four different out of state friends all passing through in the same 4-5 days :) Ha! So excited to see everyone, but definitely glad for some time to recharge this week :) It seems like the theme of this summer is just taking things in stride. Accepting the chaos and seeking out the simple moments that exist too.
Hope you all have been doing wonderfully!
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Times Flies....It's June, Baby!
Woo....hooo! A few days of freedom...sort of :) I finished grading and uploading final scores for spring term yesterday. Technically I have two finals this coming week for the massage program and my summer term in person course to prep, but I'm not too worried about any of them. So yesterday afternoon turned into my favorite end-of-term time: the time when I weed out, recycle, & organize all sorts of stuff I've been putting off doing. I still have more little projects to do but at least I made a sizeable dent in some of the stuff that I've been so behind on taking care of. This has been the term of treading water, as I never truly have felt "on top of" anything organizationally. I'm not sure if this term will be much better but only time will tell. :)
So a few pretty decent changes since the last update:
---I had a week or two to myself in the house (amazing!) after M moved out (which ended pretty poorly on his final day unfortunately). On Memorial Day, I helped my current housemate unload her storage shed components into the garage and then over the course of that final week in May she transitioned the rest of her stuff into her room. Granted the first few months are usually pretty good when sharing housing with someone new, but seriously...she's quiet, she's health conscience, she's focused, she enjoys the animals, we have similar interests/values but also lots of differences, and she helps take out the trash/unload the dishwasher/keeps the bathroom clean. (She also shares here Vitamix.....which is AmaZING!) In comparison to the last six months with M, my stress is so greatly reduced and I'm loving it. We'll be joined by the AirBnB gal in a week and she'll be here for two months. I'm hopeful the three of us will do well together.
---My brother came up again last weekend and helped finalize the coop and arbor. I painted the remaining boards on the arbor, hung my lanterns, and set up the new hammock yesterday. The kiwi is out of control per usual so I might trim it this week sometime. I finished the coop on Monday, returned the roosters (miss my sweet lil guy!), and found two new little hens to complete the flock. The hens are smaller due to breed so I might get one other larger lady also. They spent one night in the new coop so far but we dropped temps again so I put them back in the garage coop until wee one gets all her feathers in..or it heats up :)
---The kitchen sink backed up again. The landlords had me call a plumber. In clearing the kitchen line, the main line clogged so then he had to clear the main line. All in all, I learned a lot about the pipes in the house (which are incredibly old and small). We'll also be switching back to composting rather than using the disposal, which means that I need to finalize my compost project ASAP. :) In other related learning news, I was motivated last week by an external source, and I finally retaught myself how to use a drill and the saw.....my brother was very happy to have me help even more and now I can do many more projects solo.
---Technically I don't know if I can call it truly dating but at the very least I'm getting back out there with getting to know new options for potential partners. It's been interesting this time around, as I'm so settled in myself now that I really don't care either way if I meet someone or invest much time in the process at this point in my life. After everything the last few years have brought, I am much stronger in who I am and I'm not willing to lose that to anyone else again. I'm also okay with the notion of just being solo for a long while if it means being happy with myself. I have so much already in this life and while I like the notion of having someone to share that with long term, I don't know if all of us are cut out for long partnerships :) Regardless....I had a really awesome "date" this last week. We met at the Waterfront in the evening for a jog, originally planning on only 3-5 miles but we ended up doing 8, although there was some walking in there too. The views along the waterfront were incredible and I saw so many new areas that I've never explored before (wish I could have snapped pictures!). We were able to chat along the way, but really it was just fun to be out doing something we both enjoy. I don't really know that any of these outings will pan out into anything, but it's fun and low-key all the same.
---Lil' cousin got married...and it was such a gorgeous and really great wedding. Everything from her dress, to the center pieces, to the food, to the decor, to the speeches was spot on...and it was so wonderful to see her truly glowing, happy, confident, and totally in her element. So very happy for her!
---Three kayaking outings last term were incredible. I seriously loved the experience and eventually I definitely would love to purchase one. I had a paddleboarding outing last weekend that was wonderful also. This summer I only registered for the surfing weekend, but I am so stoked that my employment covers these opportunities. In other outdoor news, the dogs and I made our annual Kings Mtn summit. This summer I plan to thru hike all 22 miles of the Wilson River trail in one day and I have my first backpacking trip of the summer on the calendar.
---Tomorrow I'm hosting an old undergrad friend and her husband for dinner. They're visiting from Oakland (M and I saw them while in SF last spring break) and I'm so looking forward to catching up after all this time! In July my gal Christina and her boyfriend will be here from Atlanta, my buddy R who moved Texas will be in town for a couple days, and my old high school friend Matt and his fiance will be passing thru while visiting from Edmonton. In mid-August, my gal Caitlin will be here and we've scheduled a girls day with our gal Brook also. Then in early August, we'll also celebrate Granny's 103rd birthday and so family will be in town for the celebration. My cousin and her husband also get back at the end of this month from their six months of central America travels. :) So lots of great visits coming up this summer.
So ya....I'm sure there's more in there that I'm forgetting but those are the biggies. Really it's the little moments that seem to be the most awe-inspiring though: holding the chickens, Roxi's crazy expressions, delicious steak dinners & Argentine wine evenings, nailing out a fast run, structural work on my lower leg muscles, conversations with the housemate in the kitchen, flowers, wrangling strawberries, sunning on the patio, lawn mowing.
I'm making progress on my goals although slowly, but I'm not too worried about where I stand with goals as much these days. I know that I'm moving forward...and really I'm just happy with...well, being.
It's a pretty good place to be these days.
So a few pretty decent changes since the last update:
---I had a week or two to myself in the house (amazing!) after M moved out (which ended pretty poorly on his final day unfortunately). On Memorial Day, I helped my current housemate unload her storage shed components into the garage and then over the course of that final week in May she transitioned the rest of her stuff into her room. Granted the first few months are usually pretty good when sharing housing with someone new, but seriously...she's quiet, she's health conscience, she's focused, she enjoys the animals, we have similar interests/values but also lots of differences, and she helps take out the trash/unload the dishwasher/keeps the bathroom clean. (She also shares here Vitamix.....which is AmaZING!) In comparison to the last six months with M, my stress is so greatly reduced and I'm loving it. We'll be joined by the AirBnB gal in a week and she'll be here for two months. I'm hopeful the three of us will do well together.
---My brother came up again last weekend and helped finalize the coop and arbor. I painted the remaining boards on the arbor, hung my lanterns, and set up the new hammock yesterday. The kiwi is out of control per usual so I might trim it this week sometime. I finished the coop on Monday, returned the roosters (miss my sweet lil guy!), and found two new little hens to complete the flock. The hens are smaller due to breed so I might get one other larger lady also. They spent one night in the new coop so far but we dropped temps again so I put them back in the garage coop until wee one gets all her feathers in..or it heats up :)
---The kitchen sink backed up again. The landlords had me call a plumber. In clearing the kitchen line, the main line clogged so then he had to clear the main line. All in all, I learned a lot about the pipes in the house (which are incredibly old and small). We'll also be switching back to composting rather than using the disposal, which means that I need to finalize my compost project ASAP. :) In other related learning news, I was motivated last week by an external source, and I finally retaught myself how to use a drill and the saw.....my brother was very happy to have me help even more and now I can do many more projects solo.
---Technically I don't know if I can call it truly dating but at the very least I'm getting back out there with getting to know new options for potential partners. It's been interesting this time around, as I'm so settled in myself now that I really don't care either way if I meet someone or invest much time in the process at this point in my life. After everything the last few years have brought, I am much stronger in who I am and I'm not willing to lose that to anyone else again. I'm also okay with the notion of just being solo for a long while if it means being happy with myself. I have so much already in this life and while I like the notion of having someone to share that with long term, I don't know if all of us are cut out for long partnerships :) Regardless....I had a really awesome "date" this last week. We met at the Waterfront in the evening for a jog, originally planning on only 3-5 miles but we ended up doing 8, although there was some walking in there too. The views along the waterfront were incredible and I saw so many new areas that I've never explored before (wish I could have snapped pictures!). We were able to chat along the way, but really it was just fun to be out doing something we both enjoy. I don't really know that any of these outings will pan out into anything, but it's fun and low-key all the same.
---Lil' cousin got married...and it was such a gorgeous and really great wedding. Everything from her dress, to the center pieces, to the food, to the decor, to the speeches was spot on...and it was so wonderful to see her truly glowing, happy, confident, and totally in her element. So very happy for her!
---Three kayaking outings last term were incredible. I seriously loved the experience and eventually I definitely would love to purchase one. I had a paddleboarding outing last weekend that was wonderful also. This summer I only registered for the surfing weekend, but I am so stoked that my employment covers these opportunities. In other outdoor news, the dogs and I made our annual Kings Mtn summit. This summer I plan to thru hike all 22 miles of the Wilson River trail in one day and I have my first backpacking trip of the summer on the calendar.
---Tomorrow I'm hosting an old undergrad friend and her husband for dinner. They're visiting from Oakland (M and I saw them while in SF last spring break) and I'm so looking forward to catching up after all this time! In July my gal Christina and her boyfriend will be here from Atlanta, my buddy R who moved Texas will be in town for a couple days, and my old high school friend Matt and his fiance will be passing thru while visiting from Edmonton. In mid-August, my gal Caitlin will be here and we've scheduled a girls day with our gal Brook also. Then in early August, we'll also celebrate Granny's 103rd birthday and so family will be in town for the celebration. My cousin and her husband also get back at the end of this month from their six months of central America travels. :) So lots of great visits coming up this summer.
So ya....I'm sure there's more in there that I'm forgetting but those are the biggies. Really it's the little moments that seem to be the most awe-inspiring though: holding the chickens, Roxi's crazy expressions, delicious steak dinners & Argentine wine evenings, nailing out a fast run, structural work on my lower leg muscles, conversations with the housemate in the kitchen, flowers, wrangling strawberries, sunning on the patio, lawn mowing.
I'm making progress on my goals although slowly, but I'm not too worried about where I stand with goals as much these days. I know that I'm moving forward...and really I'm just happy with...well, being.
It's a pretty good place to be these days.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
One Week Into May Already!
Apparently I need bed rest and a social media cleanse in order to be an active blogger :)
But all jokes aside, per usual, I've wanted to write some things down multiple times in the last few weeks. I'm still regaining in energy levels and trying to get my head and life organized, but I definitely have a bit more energy and organization that I did at the beginning of the term. Ironically, spring term for the regular university schedule is already halfway thru--say what?! I seriously cannot believe how fast this term has been flying by! It's going to be over before I truly feel on top of things :)
But let's see if I can try to recap the highlights of the last few weeks, if only for my own knowledge:
--My brother and his lady came on Saturday and we started round one of arbor construction and coop moving. I sort of thought the arbor would only take one day but I think we should be able to knock the rest of it out this weekend (if the rain cooperates) and it'll be awesome if we can get both it and the coop situated. It's so exciting to think of having my outdoor projects getting completed :)
--I bought three little chicks. Technically they're all supposed to be Ameracauna's which lay pastel (like Easter) eggs and are supposed to be quieter....but one could be something else or maybe just the wheaten variety :) So far, they're growing like crazy and at 1.5 weeks in they've all survived thus far. The dogs absolutely love checking on them.
--Lil Alex and grandma left on the 30th. It seriously was fun having him here and grandma and I especially bonded over the last few weeks, so it was a little sad to have them leave. Since they left, I've barely seen Housemate M but I'm not complaining....it's also sort of nice to have my house back some. My classmate is still trying to figure out if she can financially make the move happen, but I'm hoping and praying still that it'll be possible. I'd really like to not have to worry as much about housing for the next six months if possible. One of the guys from last summer sent a text yesterday asking about availability as he's contemplating coming back for a few weeks also, but we'll see. Still trying to figure out how to decrease overall life stressors....
--Reg D and I met for beers one evening last week and I so enjoy the moments I can have with that dude. As much as he and I would never be compatible as a couple, I so value his difference in opinion and hard living ways as a friend, and for days after we get together I'm thinking about the little tid bits that he gets me to think on. He pushes me to be a better version of myself and vice versa. It was a great evening together however, just sitting outside one of his local bars at a picnic table, finishing his environmental science homework, chatting about life and the future, sharing some laughs with another couple that sat with us for a bit, and soaking up the amazing sunshine we had that day. We also talked about trying to fit in a backpack trip this summer. Dude gets a little stuck between the ex and I (he lives with Tall D), but I appreciate the ways he tries to navigate both relationships.
--I've still been taking it easy in terms of work-outs as it takes me quite a few days to recoup my energy levels, but one thing Reg D did get me to think about is the notion of not falling so far down on the horse that I completely lose all the training I had done before. In his infantryman way, his exact words were "come on, cowgirl up." Ha. But it was a good kick in the butt...and I had my first decent jog two days after we got together...a five miler watching the sunset behind a big empty field... I also wanted to go hiking on Sunday but due to weather/schedule wasn't able to but due to a few things that happened that day I knew I needed to get a work-out in so I decided to try one of the Insanity DVDs. I definitely have felt my muscles in the two days since then...but I also feel stronger and healthier as a result. I might try to do a bit more Insanity rather than focusing on so much running then. In looking at pictures of myself from the last year, I've also realized that I looked healthier last summer when I ran less, ate more crap, and cross trained with Insanity a bit more...so I might try to get back there a bit.... :)
--In other news....I've been talking to a new guy. It might go no where....but for now it's great to feel myself moving forward and to feel hopeful for the future, whether that's a lifetime of being content as a solo female or whether that means someday being in a committed couple again. I truly feel like that period of Lent did what I hoped and that I was able to process through and grieve the rest of what I had yet to deal with. I also had some significant "aha" moments this last weekend where I finally listened to what my inner voice had been telling me in regards to what else happened in the past. Not fun things to realize (so I was glad I could dig holes and demo some stuff), but it also finally made me realize that my "gut instinct" always was correct, no matter how much I was led to try to doubt it---nice to know that maybe there's more to trust in myself! Regardless, the more I talk to this newer individual, the more hope I have that there are others out there who share my same values and general outlook while still being very different--woot woot! He also has been a tri athlete and marathoner in the past so he's been very helpful with getting me to think about dietary and health concerns :)
--Granny spent a great afternoon soaking up the sun on my back patio while I worked out in the backyard one day. She's been spending a lot of time down at my parent's, as it's harder for us to leave her solo in her apartment these days. At this point, she truly needs to be living with someone else, but that final decision has yet to be made. As much as I love that little woman, it's been nice having a bit more free time rather than having to worry and stress about making sure she's taken care of, etc. She loved the afternoon on the patio however and it was cute watching her rotate chairs to get more sun.
--We had two amazing days of sunshine last week, so I went ahead and planted more of the garden (second attempt at some seeds and other starts). So far the garlic and rhubarb is already going crazy. The marionberries I was able to clean up. The new bed I created has been seeded with some lettuce, cukes, and then zuke starts. The leeks, chives, and strawberries are all going crazy in one bed and I have radishes, beets, lettuce, kale, carrots, and spinach reseeded in the rest of that one. The last bed has brussel sprout and broccoli starts and I just seeded peas, bush beans, and more cucumbers. One artichoke start was planted and I have one cherry tomato for the front. I'll still have to get more tomatoes, some onions, and a few other things. I'm trying to figure out where to try corn this year also. It's my goal to freeze and can more from the garden and from local U-picks this year. I've been keeping in mind what I've used this year so I can accurately acquire correct amounts for next year....and I'm also hopeful to hit up some of the people in the general neighborhood who have fruit trees but don't use the produce....
--I was assigned three classes for summer term. That's a quarter reduction in my overall load (& paycheck) but compared to the one class I got last summer, I really can't complain! I also get to teach the health part of the online fitness course for the first time so I'm pretty stoked to teach something new (that I'm also really passionate about). As long as I get two renters in the house and try to live fairly frugally, then I should be able to make it through---Oct (and this June) might be tight but I'm trying to plan ahead as much as possible.
--I had my first kayaking outing through the community ed courses a few weeks ago, and it was pretty awesome to get back out on the water. I'm registered for two more this month and I'm trying to convince my one aunt to join as I learned in the last few months that kayaking is on her bucket list. I'm planning on doing more of the outdoor/community ed courses this summer (and I'm crossing my fingers that they'll offer an intro surfing course!!). It's a great way to get outdoors and also get to do so for free via my tuition waivers. I'm also halfway through a two week first aid/CPR course that I need for my massage board exam. It's been nice to be refreshing on those skills as well.
--And while there have been a lot of awesome social, learning, and other things going on. I'm not going to lie, I know part of my disorganization is because I'm still trying to juggle too many things at once and still have too high of expectations for myself. I'm hopeful that this summer will be a bit more streamlined with housing, massage school, and teaching, and that any extra things will feel fun rather than other things to try to manage and get to. :) I know it's all just a change in perception also, but my brain is sometimes trying to juggle so many separate camps right now that it just doesn't know what to do! :) But hopefully this summer will finalize my medical stuff, allow for settling of the house, create a bit more stabilization for work and finances, etc. I'm also gently trying to be okay with the fact that there's no way I'm going to make my financial goals for this year...my credit card will not get paid of at all and while a recent argument with my mother assured me that I will in fact be as stubborn as an ox in figuring out my financial situation, I won't be able to even come close to actually being financially independent (ie not have to rent rooms and have enough income to feel "ok") probably until March or so of 2015. I hate these facts, but based on the current course of action and life factors, I need to stop stressing over the details and just accept that things WILL eventually get to where I want them to be...if I would truly let myself do this, then there'd be a lot less stress, more patience, more enjoyment, etc. But all things considered, as of mid-June, some of the outside family obligations, interview stuff, potential perception shifts, medical procedures, and other random extras should be completed also. So as much as I hate trying to just get through the weeks..I'm looking forward to the mid-to-end of June and what will hopefully be an enjoyable summer... :)
Hope each of you has been doing well!
But all jokes aside, per usual, I've wanted to write some things down multiple times in the last few weeks. I'm still regaining in energy levels and trying to get my head and life organized, but I definitely have a bit more energy and organization that I did at the beginning of the term. Ironically, spring term for the regular university schedule is already halfway thru--say what?! I seriously cannot believe how fast this term has been flying by! It's going to be over before I truly feel on top of things :)
But let's see if I can try to recap the highlights of the last few weeks, if only for my own knowledge:
--My brother and his lady came on Saturday and we started round one of arbor construction and coop moving. I sort of thought the arbor would only take one day but I think we should be able to knock the rest of it out this weekend (if the rain cooperates) and it'll be awesome if we can get both it and the coop situated. It's so exciting to think of having my outdoor projects getting completed :)
--I bought three little chicks. Technically they're all supposed to be Ameracauna's which lay pastel (like Easter) eggs and are supposed to be quieter....but one could be something else or maybe just the wheaten variety :) So far, they're growing like crazy and at 1.5 weeks in they've all survived thus far. The dogs absolutely love checking on them.
--Lil Alex and grandma left on the 30th. It seriously was fun having him here and grandma and I especially bonded over the last few weeks, so it was a little sad to have them leave. Since they left, I've barely seen Housemate M but I'm not complaining....it's also sort of nice to have my house back some. My classmate is still trying to figure out if she can financially make the move happen, but I'm hoping and praying still that it'll be possible. I'd really like to not have to worry as much about housing for the next six months if possible. One of the guys from last summer sent a text yesterday asking about availability as he's contemplating coming back for a few weeks also, but we'll see. Still trying to figure out how to decrease overall life stressors....
--Reg D and I met for beers one evening last week and I so enjoy the moments I can have with that dude. As much as he and I would never be compatible as a couple, I so value his difference in opinion and hard living ways as a friend, and for days after we get together I'm thinking about the little tid bits that he gets me to think on. He pushes me to be a better version of myself and vice versa. It was a great evening together however, just sitting outside one of his local bars at a picnic table, finishing his environmental science homework, chatting about life and the future, sharing some laughs with another couple that sat with us for a bit, and soaking up the amazing sunshine we had that day. We also talked about trying to fit in a backpack trip this summer. Dude gets a little stuck between the ex and I (he lives with Tall D), but I appreciate the ways he tries to navigate both relationships.
--I've still been taking it easy in terms of work-outs as it takes me quite a few days to recoup my energy levels, but one thing Reg D did get me to think about is the notion of not falling so far down on the horse that I completely lose all the training I had done before. In his infantryman way, his exact words were "come on, cowgirl up." Ha. But it was a good kick in the butt...and I had my first decent jog two days after we got together...a five miler watching the sunset behind a big empty field... I also wanted to go hiking on Sunday but due to weather/schedule wasn't able to but due to a few things that happened that day I knew I needed to get a work-out in so I decided to try one of the Insanity DVDs. I definitely have felt my muscles in the two days since then...but I also feel stronger and healthier as a result. I might try to do a bit more Insanity rather than focusing on so much running then. In looking at pictures of myself from the last year, I've also realized that I looked healthier last summer when I ran less, ate more crap, and cross trained with Insanity a bit more...so I might try to get back there a bit.... :)
--In other news....I've been talking to a new guy. It might go no where....but for now it's great to feel myself moving forward and to feel hopeful for the future, whether that's a lifetime of being content as a solo female or whether that means someday being in a committed couple again. I truly feel like that period of Lent did what I hoped and that I was able to process through and grieve the rest of what I had yet to deal with. I also had some significant "aha" moments this last weekend where I finally listened to what my inner voice had been telling me in regards to what else happened in the past. Not fun things to realize (so I was glad I could dig holes and demo some stuff), but it also finally made me realize that my "gut instinct" always was correct, no matter how much I was led to try to doubt it---nice to know that maybe there's more to trust in myself! Regardless, the more I talk to this newer individual, the more hope I have that there are others out there who share my same values and general outlook while still being very different--woot woot! He also has been a tri athlete and marathoner in the past so he's been very helpful with getting me to think about dietary and health concerns :)
--Granny spent a great afternoon soaking up the sun on my back patio while I worked out in the backyard one day. She's been spending a lot of time down at my parent's, as it's harder for us to leave her solo in her apartment these days. At this point, she truly needs to be living with someone else, but that final decision has yet to be made. As much as I love that little woman, it's been nice having a bit more free time rather than having to worry and stress about making sure she's taken care of, etc. She loved the afternoon on the patio however and it was cute watching her rotate chairs to get more sun.
--We had two amazing days of sunshine last week, so I went ahead and planted more of the garden (second attempt at some seeds and other starts). So far the garlic and rhubarb is already going crazy. The marionberries I was able to clean up. The new bed I created has been seeded with some lettuce, cukes, and then zuke starts. The leeks, chives, and strawberries are all going crazy in one bed and I have radishes, beets, lettuce, kale, carrots, and spinach reseeded in the rest of that one. The last bed has brussel sprout and broccoli starts and I just seeded peas, bush beans, and more cucumbers. One artichoke start was planted and I have one cherry tomato for the front. I'll still have to get more tomatoes, some onions, and a few other things. I'm trying to figure out where to try corn this year also. It's my goal to freeze and can more from the garden and from local U-picks this year. I've been keeping in mind what I've used this year so I can accurately acquire correct amounts for next year....and I'm also hopeful to hit up some of the people in the general neighborhood who have fruit trees but don't use the produce....
--I was assigned three classes for summer term. That's a quarter reduction in my overall load (& paycheck) but compared to the one class I got last summer, I really can't complain! I also get to teach the health part of the online fitness course for the first time so I'm pretty stoked to teach something new (that I'm also really passionate about). As long as I get two renters in the house and try to live fairly frugally, then I should be able to make it through---Oct (and this June) might be tight but I'm trying to plan ahead as much as possible.
--I had my first kayaking outing through the community ed courses a few weeks ago, and it was pretty awesome to get back out on the water. I'm registered for two more this month and I'm trying to convince my one aunt to join as I learned in the last few months that kayaking is on her bucket list. I'm planning on doing more of the outdoor/community ed courses this summer (and I'm crossing my fingers that they'll offer an intro surfing course!!). It's a great way to get outdoors and also get to do so for free via my tuition waivers. I'm also halfway through a two week first aid/CPR course that I need for my massage board exam. It's been nice to be refreshing on those skills as well.
--And while there have been a lot of awesome social, learning, and other things going on. I'm not going to lie, I know part of my disorganization is because I'm still trying to juggle too many things at once and still have too high of expectations for myself. I'm hopeful that this summer will be a bit more streamlined with housing, massage school, and teaching, and that any extra things will feel fun rather than other things to try to manage and get to. :) I know it's all just a change in perception also, but my brain is sometimes trying to juggle so many separate camps right now that it just doesn't know what to do! :) But hopefully this summer will finalize my medical stuff, allow for settling of the house, create a bit more stabilization for work and finances, etc. I'm also gently trying to be okay with the fact that there's no way I'm going to make my financial goals for this year...my credit card will not get paid of at all and while a recent argument with my mother assured me that I will in fact be as stubborn as an ox in figuring out my financial situation, I won't be able to even come close to actually being financially independent (ie not have to rent rooms and have enough income to feel "ok") probably until March or so of 2015. I hate these facts, but based on the current course of action and life factors, I need to stop stressing over the details and just accept that things WILL eventually get to where I want them to be...if I would truly let myself do this, then there'd be a lot less stress, more patience, more enjoyment, etc. But all things considered, as of mid-June, some of the outside family obligations, interview stuff, potential perception shifts, medical procedures, and other random extras should be completed also. So as much as I hate trying to just get through the weeks..I'm looking forward to the mid-to-end of June and what will hopefully be an enjoyable summer... :)
Hope each of you has been doing well!
Saturday, November 2, 2013
November Update & Randoms
Since I'm so sparsely writing get ready for an all-in-one randoms and updates! :)
1) I get so frustrated with apple updates. Why do I have update in order to continue to use my Icloud?! Frustrating!
2) I've never had a male cat before. I never knew that male cats could and do hump things. I've had to throw said male cat outside twice now in order to get him off (pun not intended) of the dog's fleece blanket. Suggestions from any male cat owners?!
3) I'm tired.all.the.time. Seven hours of sleep in one go seems like a luxury these days. Most weekdays I'm running on 4-5 hours of sleep thanks to being a night owl and my housemates followed by 5:30am wake-ups. Even when I try to go to sleep earlier, it just doesn't happen.
4) The dogs and I had our first taste of freedom on Wednesday (since our hike in mid September) when I bailed on my optional work meeting that was all the way across the city. 45 minutes into the commute I was still on my side of the city and I realized I had been uber bitchy to the gas attendant. At that point I took the next exit and came home to get the dogs before using a Starbucks gift card to get a chai I'd been desiring for three days and heading to our favorite trails. Spontaneous freedom was incredible and much needed---it was an eye opener that I need a day off now and again....and that I hope that what I'm envisioning for January's schedule and load is truly going to be the case.
5) I seriously can't flipping wait for housemate M to get back. He drives me crazy at times and I know he's going to be needy, but man, I feel so much happier and just plain comfortable in my own skin all the time when he's around. Plus he's my built in outdoor/running buddy, he's always up for a beer, and he'd make the perfect massage feedback client. One month-ish to go...
6) So far I've been doing really well in my massage classes and I can't believe how much I've already learned! It's definitely taking more time than I intended but it's pretty incredible how it's all coming together.
7) I think massage school is turning me more into a hipster though.....and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Especially cause I cut my hair (thanks to my hair stylist neighbor!) and so now I have (awesome!) thick bangs :)
8) I can't wait for winter break when I can relax.....and maybe paint my bedroom, and make curtains, and deep clean the carpets in the house....and get a christmas tree, etc etc etc
9) I'm not really hanging out with Tall D again. We're still chatting/friendly some and I'm going to use him as a massage client, but I wouldn't say we're "hanging out" anymore. Which really it was great to spend the summer with him and get affirmation of the fact that we made the right choice last year.
10) I absolutely positively am looking forward to November. I think it's going to go fast. But the leaves are still gorgeous, we're just having frosty mornings, and it just makes me think of fires, coziness, and warmth even with the coolness of the season. This month also makes me focus on gratitude (which I could use right now), and it's wonderful to have a whole month dedicated to being grateful for what I already have.
11) Speaking of being grateful for what I already have, I totally failed on my no buy. I held out great til I bought those black skinnies from Target and then several more trips to Target slid me further down the hill. I'm now up to several long sleeve shirts, a couple short sleeve shirts, a new cardigan, a new winter coat, a leather jacket, a pair of skinny cords, and two pairs of replacement flats. Will I wear it all? Yup and definitely have been! I'm going to TRY my hardest to get back on the wagon for November & December....especially since my finances could benefit from it.
12) Speaking of finances....sigh. I'm SO totally hopeful that this massage licensing will pay out in the end because it's going to be a lot of money up front. And on the financial note, I'm also really realizing that I totally miss my parents being here routinely each month. It's great support and just plain nice to see them for a night. As much as I need to rent out the middle room to create more financial freedom for myself, it'd be great to have Mom and Dad around on the regular again.
13) My personal stress reducer is to be on pinterest. I'm not going to lie. I love it. It calms and yet inspires me....and it just plain keeps me grounded to who I am and where I'm headed. I let myself get on there before I go to sleep and when I'm zoning out on public transit.
14) There is at least one guy who has sort of been hanging around, but honestly I need to just sit him down and have the direct talk. I'm back to that place of not really wanting to date. I never wanted to date when I was serious about my education before...and really, until I'm financially on my own feet again, I just don't feel like I want to try to create something new with someone else when I'm still totally trying to figure it out myself. Plus, I'm not going to lie....I'm just feeling lazy. There still seem to be some great guys out there...but I'm just not there yet. I mean how DO you know who/what the right one is? My gal D is giving me one more year before she starts kicking my butt in gear....and I'm also thinking about re-starting counseling to help me work through some of these thoughts/questions.
15) Two of my gals and I just started a monthly coffee date. I can't tell you how much I've missed them and how good for my soul it has been to have our coffee dates. I'm so inspired by them with babies and new home purchases and work advancements all around!
16) My buddy Randall let me go to church with him a few Sundays ago. It was like the universe (massage school, friends, random events) had been telling me to get my spiritual health back in order. I've been so frustrated and at odds with God in the last year....and I kid you not, the message that Sunday provided the answer I needed. That God strips us of all that matters to us to remold us into what He needs/wants us to be. "Give up YOUR life...." Six months ago, I wasn't ready to hear that....but where I am now and with the future I'm contemplating, it all sort of makes sense again. (This particular church also was all about how we are missionaires in our every day lives....where can we DAILY be of service to others??....for this reason, I have started opening my massages by grounded myself with a prayer of intention to provide what clients/students/friends need....)
17) And so these days, aside from the occasional social outing, weekends studying/grading, commutes, and teaching, My life pretty much revolves around this:
1) I get so frustrated with apple updates. Why do I have update in order to continue to use my Icloud?! Frustrating!
2) I've never had a male cat before. I never knew that male cats could and do hump things. I've had to throw said male cat outside twice now in order to get him off (pun not intended) of the dog's fleece blanket. Suggestions from any male cat owners?!
3) I'm tired.all.the.time. Seven hours of sleep in one go seems like a luxury these days. Most weekdays I'm running on 4-5 hours of sleep thanks to being a night owl and my housemates followed by 5:30am wake-ups. Even when I try to go to sleep earlier, it just doesn't happen.
4) The dogs and I had our first taste of freedom on Wednesday (since our hike in mid September) when I bailed on my optional work meeting that was all the way across the city. 45 minutes into the commute I was still on my side of the city and I realized I had been uber bitchy to the gas attendant. At that point I took the next exit and came home to get the dogs before using a Starbucks gift card to get a chai I'd been desiring for three days and heading to our favorite trails. Spontaneous freedom was incredible and much needed---it was an eye opener that I need a day off now and again....and that I hope that what I'm envisioning for January's schedule and load is truly going to be the case.
5) I seriously can't flipping wait for housemate M to get back. He drives me crazy at times and I know he's going to be needy, but man, I feel so much happier and just plain comfortable in my own skin all the time when he's around. Plus he's my built in outdoor/running buddy, he's always up for a beer, and he'd make the perfect massage feedback client. One month-ish to go...
6) So far I've been doing really well in my massage classes and I can't believe how much I've already learned! It's definitely taking more time than I intended but it's pretty incredible how it's all coming together.
7) I think massage school is turning me more into a hipster though.....and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Especially cause I cut my hair (thanks to my hair stylist neighbor!) and so now I have (awesome!) thick bangs :)
8) I can't wait for winter break when I can relax.....and maybe paint my bedroom, and make curtains, and deep clean the carpets in the house....and get a christmas tree, etc etc etc
9) I'm not really hanging out with Tall D again. We're still chatting/friendly some and I'm going to use him as a massage client, but I wouldn't say we're "hanging out" anymore. Which really it was great to spend the summer with him and get affirmation of the fact that we made the right choice last year.
10) I absolutely positively am looking forward to November. I think it's going to go fast. But the leaves are still gorgeous, we're just having frosty mornings, and it just makes me think of fires, coziness, and warmth even with the coolness of the season. This month also makes me focus on gratitude (which I could use right now), and it's wonderful to have a whole month dedicated to being grateful for what I already have.
11) Speaking of being grateful for what I already have, I totally failed on my no buy. I held out great til I bought those black skinnies from Target and then several more trips to Target slid me further down the hill. I'm now up to several long sleeve shirts, a couple short sleeve shirts, a new cardigan, a new winter coat, a leather jacket, a pair of skinny cords, and two pairs of replacement flats. Will I wear it all? Yup and definitely have been! I'm going to TRY my hardest to get back on the wagon for November & December....especially since my finances could benefit from it.
12) Speaking of finances....sigh. I'm SO totally hopeful that this massage licensing will pay out in the end because it's going to be a lot of money up front. And on the financial note, I'm also really realizing that I totally miss my parents being here routinely each month. It's great support and just plain nice to see them for a night. As much as I need to rent out the middle room to create more financial freedom for myself, it'd be great to have Mom and Dad around on the regular again.
13) My personal stress reducer is to be on pinterest. I'm not going to lie. I love it. It calms and yet inspires me....and it just plain keeps me grounded to who I am and where I'm headed. I let myself get on there before I go to sleep and when I'm zoning out on public transit.
14) There is at least one guy who has sort of been hanging around, but honestly I need to just sit him down and have the direct talk. I'm back to that place of not really wanting to date. I never wanted to date when I was serious about my education before...and really, until I'm financially on my own feet again, I just don't feel like I want to try to create something new with someone else when I'm still totally trying to figure it out myself. Plus, I'm not going to lie....I'm just feeling lazy. There still seem to be some great guys out there...but I'm just not there yet. I mean how DO you know who/what the right one is? My gal D is giving me one more year before she starts kicking my butt in gear....and I'm also thinking about re-starting counseling to help me work through some of these thoughts/questions.
15) Two of my gals and I just started a monthly coffee date. I can't tell you how much I've missed them and how good for my soul it has been to have our coffee dates. I'm so inspired by them with babies and new home purchases and work advancements all around!
16) My buddy Randall let me go to church with him a few Sundays ago. It was like the universe (massage school, friends, random events) had been telling me to get my spiritual health back in order. I've been so frustrated and at odds with God in the last year....and I kid you not, the message that Sunday provided the answer I needed. That God strips us of all that matters to us to remold us into what He needs/wants us to be. "Give up YOUR life...." Six months ago, I wasn't ready to hear that....but where I am now and with the future I'm contemplating, it all sort of makes sense again. (This particular church also was all about how we are missionaires in our every day lives....where can we DAILY be of service to others??....for this reason, I have started opening my massages by grounded myself with a prayer of intention to provide what clients/students/friends need....)
17) And so these days, aside from the occasional social outing, weekends studying/grading, commutes, and teaching, My life pretty much revolves around this:
Attempting to maintain balance, choosing to be happy, and lots and lots of massages :)
Monday, February 25, 2013
Changes & Happenings of Late
BAH! Where does time go?! Blogging has been the last thing on the list which means that I've barely logged in over the last week or two. It's good to be happily distracted and busy, but my head just sort of feels like it's in that "constantly treading water" state. ;)
So what's been going on?
Well a lil of this:
---New Housemate: who is awesome. He moved in just over a week ago and honestly I'm really hoping that the next few months go just as awesomely as this first week. He's also just out of a relationship and just coming back to the local area after working overseas on assignment for the last six months. He's also ironically a veteran, so far accepts & respects my lil household quirks, and while he hasn't spent much time in the outdoors--he's got the motivation, speed, and gear for it. It's sort of like being able to meld the best of both worlds of what I've been looking for--someone to split my household bills AND a new outdoor/fun partner. M works full-time but on a 3-4 days a week shift so he's also got some free weekday time which is awesome. He's up for just about anything (McMenamins soaking pool, dragging me out for Saturday evening pitchers of PBR with his friends, dinner & a rental, organizing the garage, drinking coffee, and trying to convince me to do the Warrior Dash....) Oh and yesterday I took him on his first official hike...and he totally kicked my butt when he turned the hike into a trail run and left me wasted behind--ha! The dogs are still getting used to him, my parents thought he was great when he started trying to help dad fix stuff around the house and told them some of the nerdy details about his tech job, and while not what I would have expected for the next 6-7 months..I'm pretty stoked about having him here!
So what's been going on?
Well a lil of this:
---New Housemate: who is awesome. He moved in just over a week ago and honestly I'm really hoping that the next few months go just as awesomely as this first week. He's also just out of a relationship and just coming back to the local area after working overseas on assignment for the last six months. He's also ironically a veteran, so far accepts & respects my lil household quirks, and while he hasn't spent much time in the outdoors--he's got the motivation, speed, and gear for it. It's sort of like being able to meld the best of both worlds of what I've been looking for--someone to split my household bills AND a new outdoor/fun partner. M works full-time but on a 3-4 days a week shift so he's also got some free weekday time which is awesome. He's up for just about anything (McMenamins soaking pool, dragging me out for Saturday evening pitchers of PBR with his friends, dinner & a rental, organizing the garage, drinking coffee, and trying to convince me to do the Warrior Dash....) Oh and yesterday I took him on his first official hike...and he totally kicked my butt when he turned the hike into a trail run and left me wasted behind--ha! The dogs are still getting used to him, my parents thought he was great when he started trying to help dad fix stuff around the house and told them some of the nerdy details about his tech job, and while not what I would have expected for the next 6-7 months..I'm pretty stoked about having him here!
Yesterday's First Hike of the Year:
--Family Brunch: Hosted the extended family for brunch two weekends ago and my parents also happened to come up that weekend (as they now stay with me whenever they come north now that Granny's been relocated and they can no longer stay with her). I made a french toast bake (that didn't really turn out cause the strawberries I subbed in made it too runny), sticky buns, and baked oatmeal. The family also brought quiche, coffee cake, fruit and mimosa fixings. SO nice to have the family here and get to spend time with everyone---I love being able to do this more openly now. ;)
--Cancelled my online account...about two weeks back. Yup. I decided that the online medium of meeting people is not the right one for me because I'm more apt to gauge attraction to others based on seeing how they work in their natural context. Plus I kept feeling like most the dates I went on were wanting more of a real long term relationship and I'm still not quite there yet. Ironically, I'm still getting emails...and I might go back to it at some point, but I feel like the minute I opened myself up to the potential of dating, my social life increased ten fold AND I started meeting people through more traditional venues. Which....
--Saturday. I spent at a tea house with my gal N in the morning...and then the rest of the day was mainly reserved for someone I've just been getting to know. A friend of a friend who is very respectfully taking things slow--not necessarily for me but also because he's cautious. He's VERY different than most the guys I've dated/hung-out with in the past...but for some reason, there's something I like about it. It might not go anywhere but right now, I'm just happy where it is. He'd offered to let me drag him out hiking on Saturday but we got rained out, so lunch turned into a movie (with pre-movie video game racing while waiting! :)...and I made it thru the entire movie without getting antsy which is pretty unheard of for me in the last few years) which turned into dinner. He's gone most of the actual week for work, so in some ways it naturally forces us to get to know each other via text...and to only really spend limited time together on the weekends....but I like it this way.
--Work. Luckily last week was exam week which meant limited prepping, but I have grading to try to get thru today and tomorrow still. This week is Alcohol & Drugs, so it sometimes leads to some interesting conversations and redirecting. On Thursday of last week, I also braved 5am to commute with some coworkers for a Nutrition conference in Corvallis. It ended up being different than what I expected (it focused mainly on Whole Grains rather than all nutrition), but we still got some interesting information out of it, especially regarding probiotics and celiac disease. And it was nice to be in a learning environment with fellow individuals passionate about the current state of health in our nation. Oh...and should I get accepted to the MSW program...my boss already talked to me about staying on as an online instructor for the year until I could re-integrate upon it's completion--have I mentioned how awesome my boss is?!
--Other happenings: met my girls for Happy Hour last Monday, my "recovery" Insanity DVD kicked my butt in a way that usually doesn't so it forced me into extra rest for a few days this week, Anna's shedding like crazy which means vacuuming multiple times a week currently, filed my FAFSA finally, and having someone else around makes me have to eat more (especially since he also cooks-ha!). Still have a to-do list to get through but it'll all get done on time!
Friday, February 15, 2013
On Life After Divorce....& Dating
So here's the deal.....
....some days you win and some days you lose. Divorce was a big fat loss. Marriage was in a lot of ways a big fast loss. Sure there were some great moments in there...and I'm not going to lie, the thing I'm not over, even still, is this idea of what should/could have been between the ex and I...and I'm not sure if I'll ever truly let go of and/or get over that. Hypothetically, the ex and I want the same type of things, we want each other in a partner, but man our practice techniques of living out our "theory" just doesn't add up. Now after divorce, am I happier at this stage? Yes. Most definitely. Sure I still have moments most days were I get a lil bummed still, a song makes my heart ache for a few, I just plain miss his companionship, or something reminds me of him. But I'm definitely happier functioning solo again. My life is truly my own again. The dogs are mine, the ex removed his final things from the home this week, his address change finally was processed, my taxes are filed, 99.99% of all accounts are separated, and at this point communication only has to ensue if we both want it to. The only joint things left are a Costco membership and a loan on the truck (of which he is paying), plus the mutual friends that we share.
Do I still feel like I got short-changed? 100%. I don't know that my marriage was ever what had been promised to me once we were a few months in...and especially once I'd relocated over halfway across the nation. Lies were caught, tears ensued, and I don't think that this gal's trust ever truly was recreated...and after years of feeling second-rate, catching more half-truths, and realizing I might never be able to break into his heart, the icing finally melted, the cake cracked, and the separation only showed me that I would never be able to be his "it." But folks, that's what happens when you're a romantic dreamer who believes that you can run off with the "right one" after just a couple months....it doesn't always turn out the way you were sold. But I learned a lot in the process...about life, about love, about areas where I could also really use some improvements. And interestingly as much as I feel that getting married how I did was probably one of two of the biggest mistakes I ever made (thus far at least and ironically #2 was part of the initial separation), I don't know that I regret the time that we spent together.
I also know I wasn't easy to be married to either and I lost sight of myself while I floundered alone in Louisiana. And as much as I do someday hope the ex and I can truly be friends...right now I think we just continue to bring each other down 90% of the time. As much as we both care about the other, we both are somewhat egotistical, manipulative, and selfish...and do a great job of letting the other know which of their faults we see in existence...and that's not healthy for either of us. It's going to be a long time coming before I stop hearing negative commentary in my head....and I'm sure he feels the same way about my voice in his head as well. Sigh....interesting that the one person you most want to give and know your love....sometimes brings out the worst in you. Hence, our divorce is a very good thing.
Looking back, the divorce should have happened much, much sooner, although as much as other Christians might fight me on this, I still feel like there was a reason we passed that time together, a reason we both were sent to Louisiana, a reason we lived through aspects of the military together, that God had us get married, but that He also blessed our divorce. If God's all about love and wanting to have His people work to glorify His name.....then I can assure you that Tall D and I were not doing His work while we were together.
A few random things upon reflection:
---the divorce has taught me that anything that I thought I wouldn't be able to do....I CAN do it. At this point, I've come to realize that one's mind is stronger than one might think...and that almost everything is truly mind over matter.
---forgiveness is hard....self-forgiveness is even harder.
---ironically, it seems that whatever one says they won't do, life has a funny way of turning that state into a "will" do.
---as much as I felt incredibly supported by individuals in my life...sometimes there were moments when I just couldn't bring myself to tell someone else that I really just needed them to come, to where I was, in that exact moment. (Call it pride even in the midst of despair.) Even though on occasion I'd send out an inquiry text to see what someone was doing and if they'd be able to connect---in reality, and in honesty, some of those texts were moments of major defeat. When I really just needed someone to pack up from work or to drive the miles, and to come to where I was in a pile of mess and tears crumbled on the back deck or the floor. There were weeks of loneliness but there were some days when it was just a black pit of despair. And as draining as it is to be around someone else suffering in a bout of depression, there were days when another body in my home or in the guest bed would have made a world of difference, even if they just sat there while I wracked myself with tears...or refused to let the tears fall in the presence of another. These are things I write, not because I harbor any resentments, but because I want to remember for the future in case any of my other friends go through this....I want to know that she might not be able to share that she's fallen apart and just needs someone/anyone to hold on to....
---and with that....second note to self for the future....when she is in the midst of divorce, order her a pizza...and have it delivered. If you can't bring yourself to cook, you just might be tempted by a pizza delivery....and have enough left over for breakfast with coffee to boot!
And this all brings me to where I am right now currently with this whole dating process. I'm not looking to pair up right now, so sometimes I feel like I'm being misleading when I go on a new date. But it's been nice meeting new people...and as I'd hoped, have to answer questions and in the process of explaining find MY voice again (and not the thoughts, views, and decisions of the ex.) But I'm not going to lie, I don't think that I'll ever leave a first date feeling the same way I did when the ex and I were originally "courting," and I've come to accept that as being okay. The second time around, in fact, I don't want a whirlwind. I want stability, laughter, gentleness, support, mutual acceptance, heart, and sure some mutual interests and view of the world would be nice. In a lot of regards, I want the same type of things that I wanted when I first met the ex, although the list is less and slightly altered. These days I don't want a challenge....I'm exhausted. These days I just want a friend....who could eventually also progress to a potential more. But the problem that I'm finding is a) when you're heart (and therefore a big part of you) is shut-down cause you're not ready to connect (and you're jaded on top of it), then "chemistry" tends to be lacking and b) I feel like most the guys that are out there are looking for relationship potential or "the one" (of which I no longer believe). The other big irony of the moment is that once I opened myself up to the idea of initially dating, then options appeared from other unexpected ways. In all honesty, I don't know what will happen with this. I might pull back into my hibernating shell. I know I need more time to heal....and that's part of the reason I'm starting to look at relocating....but that's for another blog post, maybe tomorrow....
PS I do have to say though, there are lots of seemingly "good guys" out there....
....some days you win and some days you lose. Divorce was a big fat loss. Marriage was in a lot of ways a big fast loss. Sure there were some great moments in there...and I'm not going to lie, the thing I'm not over, even still, is this idea of what should/could have been between the ex and I...and I'm not sure if I'll ever truly let go of and/or get over that. Hypothetically, the ex and I want the same type of things, we want each other in a partner, but man our practice techniques of living out our "theory" just doesn't add up. Now after divorce, am I happier at this stage? Yes. Most definitely. Sure I still have moments most days were I get a lil bummed still, a song makes my heart ache for a few, I just plain miss his companionship, or something reminds me of him. But I'm definitely happier functioning solo again. My life is truly my own again. The dogs are mine, the ex removed his final things from the home this week, his address change finally was processed, my taxes are filed, 99.99% of all accounts are separated, and at this point communication only has to ensue if we both want it to. The only joint things left are a Costco membership and a loan on the truck (of which he is paying), plus the mutual friends that we share.
Do I still feel like I got short-changed? 100%. I don't know that my marriage was ever what had been promised to me once we were a few months in...and especially once I'd relocated over halfway across the nation. Lies were caught, tears ensued, and I don't think that this gal's trust ever truly was recreated...and after years of feeling second-rate, catching more half-truths, and realizing I might never be able to break into his heart, the icing finally melted, the cake cracked, and the separation only showed me that I would never be able to be his "it." But folks, that's what happens when you're a romantic dreamer who believes that you can run off with the "right one" after just a couple months....it doesn't always turn out the way you were sold. But I learned a lot in the process...about life, about love, about areas where I could also really use some improvements. And interestingly as much as I feel that getting married how I did was probably one of two of the biggest mistakes I ever made (thus far at least and ironically #2 was part of the initial separation), I don't know that I regret the time that we spent together.
I also know I wasn't easy to be married to either and I lost sight of myself while I floundered alone in Louisiana. And as much as I do someday hope the ex and I can truly be friends...right now I think we just continue to bring each other down 90% of the time. As much as we both care about the other, we both are somewhat egotistical, manipulative, and selfish...and do a great job of letting the other know which of their faults we see in existence...and that's not healthy for either of us. It's going to be a long time coming before I stop hearing negative commentary in my head....and I'm sure he feels the same way about my voice in his head as well. Sigh....interesting that the one person you most want to give and know your love....sometimes brings out the worst in you. Hence, our divorce is a very good thing.
Looking back, the divorce should have happened much, much sooner, although as much as other Christians might fight me on this, I still feel like there was a reason we passed that time together, a reason we both were sent to Louisiana, a reason we lived through aspects of the military together, that God had us get married, but that He also blessed our divorce. If God's all about love and wanting to have His people work to glorify His name.....then I can assure you that Tall D and I were not doing His work while we were together.
A few random things upon reflection:
---the divorce has taught me that anything that I thought I wouldn't be able to do....I CAN do it. At this point, I've come to realize that one's mind is stronger than one might think...and that almost everything is truly mind over matter.
---forgiveness is hard....self-forgiveness is even harder.
---ironically, it seems that whatever one says they won't do, life has a funny way of turning that state into a "will" do.
---as much as I felt incredibly supported by individuals in my life...sometimes there were moments when I just couldn't bring myself to tell someone else that I really just needed them to come, to where I was, in that exact moment. (Call it pride even in the midst of despair.) Even though on occasion I'd send out an inquiry text to see what someone was doing and if they'd be able to connect---in reality, and in honesty, some of those texts were moments of major defeat. When I really just needed someone to pack up from work or to drive the miles, and to come to where I was in a pile of mess and tears crumbled on the back deck or the floor. There were weeks of loneliness but there were some days when it was just a black pit of despair. And as draining as it is to be around someone else suffering in a bout of depression, there were days when another body in my home or in the guest bed would have made a world of difference, even if they just sat there while I wracked myself with tears...or refused to let the tears fall in the presence of another. These are things I write, not because I harbor any resentments, but because I want to remember for the future in case any of my other friends go through this....I want to know that she might not be able to share that she's fallen apart and just needs someone/anyone to hold on to....
---and with that....second note to self for the future....when she is in the midst of divorce, order her a pizza...and have it delivered. If you can't bring yourself to cook, you just might be tempted by a pizza delivery....and have enough left over for breakfast with coffee to boot!
And this all brings me to where I am right now currently with this whole dating process. I'm not looking to pair up right now, so sometimes I feel like I'm being misleading when I go on a new date. But it's been nice meeting new people...and as I'd hoped, have to answer questions and in the process of explaining find MY voice again (and not the thoughts, views, and decisions of the ex.) But I'm not going to lie, I don't think that I'll ever leave a first date feeling the same way I did when the ex and I were originally "courting," and I've come to accept that as being okay. The second time around, in fact, I don't want a whirlwind. I want stability, laughter, gentleness, support, mutual acceptance, heart, and sure some mutual interests and view of the world would be nice. In a lot of regards, I want the same type of things that I wanted when I first met the ex, although the list is less and slightly altered. These days I don't want a challenge....I'm exhausted. These days I just want a friend....who could eventually also progress to a potential more. But the problem that I'm finding is a) when you're heart (and therefore a big part of you) is shut-down cause you're not ready to connect (and you're jaded on top of it), then "chemistry" tends to be lacking and b) I feel like most the guys that are out there are looking for relationship potential or "the one" (of which I no longer believe). The other big irony of the moment is that once I opened myself up to the idea of initially dating, then options appeared from other unexpected ways. In all honesty, I don't know what will happen with this. I might pull back into my hibernating shell. I know I need more time to heal....and that's part of the reason I'm starting to look at relocating....but that's for another blog post, maybe tomorrow....
PS I do have to say though, there are lots of seemingly "good guys" out there....
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Winter Wear: Wk 4 & 5
Thursday: Family Evening
My cousin and her kiddos were in town, so the aunt hosted all us extended family up at her place for dessert and vino.
Skinnies, mustard cardi, blue ruffled blouse, leopard flats
FRIDAY: Conference
Again with the tucked in sweater :)
My favorite part of this?
A) The bare legs that felt the sun during lunch eaten outdoors!
and
B) The wood Ukranian necklace from the flea market in San Antonio on my trip to see my buddy M in 2010.
Merlot pencil skirt, Target sweater
Conference was great---good information this year! Connected with quite a few of my colleagues and met a new colleague!
MONDAY: Casual Date Meeting
What do you wear to be both casual but maybe cute when you're incredibly beat after a 9 mile snowshoe? I guess this....GREAT conversation and while not really my type, that's the point of all this dating stuff...but he later reported not feeling the chemistry there (potentially more on this later...).
Floral tunic, skinnies, ruffled teal cardi, orange flats, N's handmade earrings
TUESDAY: Meeting & Lecture
Have I mentioned my love of repeats within a week? :)
This is a go-to in ten minutes.
Target sweater, black thrifted pencil skirt, black leather boots
and worn with my red hooded pea coat
PS Don't get me started on the meeting that was to happen and didn't, after being the third misscheduling.......
Commence all day of grading until evening class.
WEDNESDAY: Lecture
Thrown together in literally five minutes.
gray thrifted pencil skirt, black flats, old purple tank, floral blouse
Class tonight: Nutrition--lecture on the macro & micro nutrients, phytochemicals, and the MyPlate guidelines; demonstration of changes in portion sizes & of fat/sugar substitution
Jamie Oliver's TED Talk
Michael Pollan's lecture on youtube
THURSDAY: Acupuncture Friendly-Errands-Happy Hour-Granny Visit
This outfit makes me say "Portlandia." Would not wear again with leggings as it just didn't feel "me," but for acupuncture it's best to wear something easy and flowy. I've thought about getting rid of this dress so many times as I feel that the print just might be too big for me....
Hand-me down dress, old black cami, black leggings, black flats, black cardi, black accessories
Acupuncture went pretty well today---different practioner, tons of points, extra heat lamps, on my stomach and almost totally relaxed.
Did my once every six weeks Costco trip and stocked up on goods. Did other grocery shopping after class last night--deciding to make this a routine to ensure I'm maintaining fresh foods. Quick stop at Whole Foods for flax seed and a few other deals before meeting my gal T for happy hour at our Old Chicago grounds. From there drove over to spend the evening with Granny!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Back on the Up
....and you know how I know? Cause every.single.day this week (and 4x today alone) I've heard on the radio this specific country song that the ex used to put on his mixes cause he could never get himself to say the things the song specifies.....and you know what? I've just sung along and enjoyed the song, and most of the time the song is over 70% through before I even remember which song it is....
....but it also might be because I'm being proactive in life again. I'm making lists each day and checking things off as I complete them. I'm applying for jobs, I've posted and emailed for housemates, and I've called the neighbors to tell them that they're going to have to deal with my dogs again because I refuse to keep them cooped up inside when the weather's nice. I've told the naturopath that I took myself off all her supplements and I want a food-based diet "fix" and I've told them that I'm coming less frequently because I can't afford it. I've also told the ex that after not living here for seven months he needs to relocate the rest of his stuff or I'll donate it, change his address officially, and finally tell the military that we aren't married.
....or it might be because I'm doing things like hosting dinner parties solo, having real heartfelt honest conversations with my parents again, I'm reaching out to friends in ways I didn't for a long time, I'm socializing and being authentic in the process with where I am and what life used to be like and where I want it to go....
....I'm enjoying the sunshine falling through the trees and I'm opening the curtains and letting the light stream in. I'm cleaning off the patios, picking up the backyard, dusting the picnic table and envisioning a new stain color, and daydreaming of the summer hosting season and the potential for what could be in the raised beds.
....I'm making sure to take time among the uncertainties to enjoy life. I'm taking the dogs on afternoon jogs, spontaneously zipping T off to the soaking pool for relaxation (and to work on easing her concussion pain!), and enjoying those mid-week solo snowshoe opportunities.
...I'm being true to my professional goals and thinking about long term lifestyle desires. I'm responding to student emails asap and being an organized instructor. I'm emailing old supervisors to let them know where I'm at and how much I appreciate their support.
....I'm saying something to the big one upstairs each day, even if it's just a little hey G, don't forget about me please...you know the desires and hopes of my heart.....
....I'm gathering opinions, weighing them and holding them up to the light, and then making decisions for myself that make the most sense....and with that, I'm just going to put it out there...I totally went and created an online dating profile. My girlfriends are secretly looking forward to enjoying this vicarious experience without having to the be the one to do it, but let me just tell you.....in the last 24hrs, it's been great for my ego. I mean, obviously I shouldn't base my self-confidence off what other people tell me, but after being married to a man who for three years treated me more like his sister than a woman/wife, it's nice to get some validation that I just might sorta still be a catch. :) And no worries, I'm being level-headed about this...I'm looking at it as an opportunity to get to see what's out there again without really looking for the next big thing...and having to explain myself to others....sort of as a means to have to prove that I do still know myself. I know this might sound funny, but I'm seriously really excited about this experience....let's see if I still feel that way at the end of three months. (Oh ps my frugal side totally swept in too, because I ran a search for the site and promo codes and guess what....totally scored!) I've been joking about starting a second blog just to record the process of this whole experience but for now let me just assure that the dude who had a pick-up line of "hey fancy pants" in his email DEFINITELY got deleted...and led me to provide a few more specifics on who should not contact me.
....and I'm feeling my health stabilizing: emotionally, physically, spiritually, nutritionally, mentally. I'm making sure I'm getting enough sleep. I'm resting a few days each week on the exercise front AND finding that I'm feeling much better and recovering faster on the days I do exercise. I'm not monitoring my food or pouring numerous supplements into my body, but instead focusing on snacking on protein foods for mood stabilization and eating regular solid meals. I'm singing to the radio with the windows down. I'm scheduling my time and smiling. I'm surrounded by support of both family and friends...and regardless of how long this job process takes, today I'm feeling immensely and incredibly blessed....and its a great place to be again.
Life ain't perfect by any means and its not going to be, but the last few days I've been feeling better consistently. I'm looking at Fearless on that bathroom mirror and truly feeling that I might be feeling that way again. Hope y'all are doing well too---sending big hugs to each one of you!
....but it also might be because I'm being proactive in life again. I'm making lists each day and checking things off as I complete them. I'm applying for jobs, I've posted and emailed for housemates, and I've called the neighbors to tell them that they're going to have to deal with my dogs again because I refuse to keep them cooped up inside when the weather's nice. I've told the naturopath that I took myself off all her supplements and I want a food-based diet "fix" and I've told them that I'm coming less frequently because I can't afford it. I've also told the ex that after not living here for seven months he needs to relocate the rest of his stuff or I'll donate it, change his address officially, and finally tell the military that we aren't married.
....or it might be because I'm doing things like hosting dinner parties solo, having real heartfelt honest conversations with my parents again, I'm reaching out to friends in ways I didn't for a long time, I'm socializing and being authentic in the process with where I am and what life used to be like and where I want it to go....
....I'm enjoying the sunshine falling through the trees and I'm opening the curtains and letting the light stream in. I'm cleaning off the patios, picking up the backyard, dusting the picnic table and envisioning a new stain color, and daydreaming of the summer hosting season and the potential for what could be in the raised beds.
....I'm making sure to take time among the uncertainties to enjoy life. I'm taking the dogs on afternoon jogs, spontaneously zipping T off to the soaking pool for relaxation (and to work on easing her concussion pain!), and enjoying those mid-week solo snowshoe opportunities.
...I'm being true to my professional goals and thinking about long term lifestyle desires. I'm responding to student emails asap and being an organized instructor. I'm emailing old supervisors to let them know where I'm at and how much I appreciate their support.
....I'm saying something to the big one upstairs each day, even if it's just a little hey G, don't forget about me please...you know the desires and hopes of my heart.....
....I'm gathering opinions, weighing them and holding them up to the light, and then making decisions for myself that make the most sense....and with that, I'm just going to put it out there...I totally went and created an online dating profile. My girlfriends are secretly looking forward to enjoying this vicarious experience without having to the be the one to do it, but let me just tell you.....in the last 24hrs, it's been great for my ego. I mean, obviously I shouldn't base my self-confidence off what other people tell me, but after being married to a man who for three years treated me more like his sister than a woman/wife, it's nice to get some validation that I just might sorta still be a catch. :) And no worries, I'm being level-headed about this...I'm looking at it as an opportunity to get to see what's out there again without really looking for the next big thing...and having to explain myself to others....sort of as a means to have to prove that I do still know myself. I know this might sound funny, but I'm seriously really excited about this experience....let's see if I still feel that way at the end of three months. (Oh ps my frugal side totally swept in too, because I ran a search for the site and promo codes and guess what....totally scored!) I've been joking about starting a second blog just to record the process of this whole experience but for now let me just assure that the dude who had a pick-up line of "hey fancy pants" in his email DEFINITELY got deleted...and led me to provide a few more specifics on who should not contact me.
....and I'm feeling my health stabilizing: emotionally, physically, spiritually, nutritionally, mentally. I'm making sure I'm getting enough sleep. I'm resting a few days each week on the exercise front AND finding that I'm feeling much better and recovering faster on the days I do exercise. I'm not monitoring my food or pouring numerous supplements into my body, but instead focusing on snacking on protein foods for mood stabilization and eating regular solid meals. I'm singing to the radio with the windows down. I'm scheduling my time and smiling. I'm surrounded by support of both family and friends...and regardless of how long this job process takes, today I'm feeling immensely and incredibly blessed....and its a great place to be again.
Life ain't perfect by any means and its not going to be, but the last few days I've been feeling better consistently. I'm looking at Fearless on that bathroom mirror and truly feeling that I might be feeling that way again. Hope y'all are doing well too---sending big hugs to each one of you!
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