I know y'all are probably getting tired of reading about my divorce...so let me just tell you that it will probably be wrapping up here sooner than later...and if you don't want to read anymore divorce talk, then feel free to skip this post! :)
Tonight I finally had an aha moment about why I haven't been wanting to sign divorce papers. I realized over the last one to two weeks that I've had some hang-ups regarding signing but I wasn't exactly sure why. I mean yes, I definitely still do love and care for this man who is still legally my husband, and honestly in the good moments, the moments are really, really good. But I'm not dumb, so I know that I need someone who will love me as deeply as I love him, someone who will want to be my partner on all levels, someone who will cherish me....and as much as he's tried at times...that someone hasn't been Tall D.
I've had people pointing out to me the last few weeks all the ways I was unhappy and unfulfilled in my marriage and reminding me of all the hurtful actions that were present or lacking in my marriage. I had my aunt tell me in that honest moment to just stop, be stronger & better, and walk on. I had my therapist assign me "homework" of creating a list of all the things I didn't like about the marriage. And yet, I still have been hanging on to this notion of NOT wanting to sign.
Yes part of it is that I believe in change. I believe in Tall D. I believe in who he wanted to be...and I believe that that is still who he will become....but it just won't be with me....and that makes me sad, so extremely sad. I honestly almost hate the knowledge that the man I waited years to be with and who I found and yet who couldn't be that man with me long term will in fact probably turn out to be that same man I loved...just with someone else. This summer when I've spent too much time thinking about that...that's when I've been at my lowest points.
But honestly tonight it also finally dawned on me....that I have been hung-up on failing. There was a couple sentence exchange that occurred with the therapist over a week ago, where I was trying to twist this notion of failure....and I remember her looking straight at me and telling me that no matter how I coat it, no matter who files against who, divorce IS STILL A FAILURE....and those words hit home, even if I didn't show it. I didn't know why at the time, but tonight I finally realized that I don't think I've ever really failed at anything in my life, and especially nothing I really believed in. Sure I've ended relationships, quit or occasionally didn't get jobs, or turned down other opportunities, but even when something has been tough, I've almost always seen my contract/commitment/obligation through to the end. And usually through all that difficulty or the frustration of continuing until the contract was over, I've always learned something from it and in so many ways have become the version of myself that I needed to be to meet other needs down the road. Thus in this situation, I truly hate this notion of failing....and of quitting without even really feeling like we've tried everything possible to save it.
Because one thing is for certain...I've always been an achiever, a dreamer, and someone who can get things done. I've never been a failure.....and I don't ever like being a quitter.
....I guess some labels I'm just going to have to get used to.....
Just remember that no matter what you do, if you don't have the cooperation of the other party involved it will never work. You can try as hard as you want. I'm not sure that necessarily works out to failure though, because you can only do so much as you are allowed. If there are avenues that haven't been tried - even if you are willing to do them - because the other party isn't willing, you can't say that you didn't give it your all, because you did. Instead it would be on the other party to have to realize eventually that maybe things could have gone differently. Don't think of it as quitting though, think of it as closing a chapter on your life, and moving on to the next one. Because from everything you have written, it doesn't appear that you are the quitter :-) Prayers of peace for you my dear!
ReplyDeleteHeather---you're the best. Thank you for this. I've come back to read it several times and you brought forward some great points that have really stuck with me. So thankful for you!
DeleteNot exactly sure what to say but I just wanted you to know that I read what you had to say. Sounds like you have a good counselor who is giving you some to-the-core advice. Lots to process for sure. Glad that you had some moments of clarity though and hope that things will settle down soon enough.
ReplyDeleteOn a different note-- thank goodness for sunshine :)
Thanks cuz and yes, good counselors are so worth it :) Loving this sunshine too, although appears rain is on the radar here soon. Better soak it up the next day or two before we head into the nine months of Oregon drizzle ;)
DeleteHave you ever heard of Mary Anne Radmacher? She has an excellent book called "Lean Forward Into Your Life." It has gotten me through some tough phases in my life, so I highly recommend you check it out. I think we all have this tendency to use the word 'failure' when a relationship ends. But here is a passage from that book that I have reflected upon, and hopefully it helps you as well:
ReplyDelete"I often hear people speak of relationships at their conclusion as "failed." Simply because a thing does not last until its anticipated conclusion, that does not make it a failure. If a flower is crushed while still in bloom, it is not a failed flower. When a younger life is slashed off the planet by a knife or bullet, it doesn't mean that that life failed in its presence on the planet. It is indeed a loss to those who remain, but it is not failure. A relationsihp must be allowed its cycle and time. Not all comings together are forever even though we bind them to that in our societal vocabulary. The human being whose life is now lived far from my life and whose name is not a part of my name has his own story. And his parting was a failure than a learning." (p. 136)
Seriously, check out that book. I think you will really like it.
I'll definitely have to look into it Lisa. Sounds like a good one to read at this point. Thanks for continuing to be supportive--so appreciate your words and kindness. Makes me continually glad for new blog friendships :)
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