A couple weeks ago my cousin mentioned in a passing text comment that I am now a MUCH happier version of myself than in recent past years.......and I'd have to agree. In some ways I hate to admit that moving on has seriously returned a smile to my face, a confidence to my stride, and less knots in my muscles, but it's incredibly true. Sure I cried my fair sure...and every once in a while I still do...but I promise you, I'm smiling much more than I have in a long, long time. Does that mean life is perfect? Ha, by no means....but it does mean that there is a LOT to be happy about...and there's something about having the freedom to be me again that just makes life feel lighter, happier, free.....
So what's happy inducing these days:
---Comfortable, organized homes. Every time I walk in the door...I LOVE my home. I love the pictures, the ethnic and earthy elements. The zebra rug. The thick stripes painted around the dining area. The throw blankets and pillows, the focus on the fireplaces, and the candles. Yup....LOVE it.
---Teaching about stuff I'm passionate about aka the last two weeks we cover chapters on infectious diseases (FASCINATING! and I get on my soapbox about antibacterial products), cancer (and I get on my soapbox about chemical/toxin exposures), relationships and SEX. Yup..."let's talk about sex, baby..."
---Argyle sweaters. And days of stripes. Say no more.
---Rehoming the chickens....yep, with mixed feelings they got rehomed today. Most responses I've had from a craigslist ad ever....and a gentle giant relocated them to North Portland. No joke....he was taller than Tall D and had the deep voice of a lil giant....nice guy....and now, no more early morning feedings and hopefully no more rats either.
---Birds flitting in the bushes outside the windows.
---Focusing on getting my finances in order, including suspending my regular monthly charity donations that I realized were only adding to the unfortunate debt on my credit card AND securing a housemate for the month of December.
---Grilled Banana Sandwich. Split it with a friend folks and thank me (& pinterest) later. A-MA-ZING!
---Driving the Sorento...seriously. I've never been so in love with a vehicle every.single.time I get behind the wheel.
---Sweating. Insanity. Running. These slow jogs I'm doing just to get mileage in...and always with a smile on my face as I'm smacking my gum. Feeling my core working.
---The dogs pre-run. Some days I'm not too keen on taking them, but they win me over every time...The minute they start to see running clothes going on, they're in my face, and serious Anna gets her excited grin and whimper going....who can say no to that?!
---The dogs at bedtime. Both hop up on the empty side...and I try to read or grade...and they will have none of that until they get their ample love and pet time.
---Cleaning with natural products. Today I brought the baking soda and vinegar back.
---Hearing my own opinion in my head first 85% of the time, rather than the doubts of another arriving first.
---Reconnecting with my version of how the world works and realigning my values on spiritual, family, social, communicative levels...and embracing many of the opportunities that exist should one go looking for them.
---Being a better friend & family member again...and all the great moments spent in enjoyment with individuals from those categories.
---Morning cups of coffee....and a carton of eggnog in the fridge to hit that evening sweet tooth spot.
---Fireplace fires.
---Spending an evening nose deep reading nerdy international health books for fun.
---Being creative. Being inspired.
---Seeing Christmas lights going up on houses.
---Fun text exchanges and Facetime conversations.
---New Girl episodes.
---Accomplishing goals and finishing projects: productivity.
---Major's announcement that he's arrived in the mornings and should be let in. (The cat sounds slightly like a bird...)
---A post-work out shower.
---Throwback songs on the Ipod.
---The ebb and flow of routine but flexible days.
---New experiences.
---Helping others...and moments when students disclose how much they're learning.
---Holiday decorations, smells, and peppermint flavor.
---Classes wrapping up for the holiday season.
Yup, much is bringing happiness these days folks. What are you happy about lately?!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Infantry Vs Morality
So many times I've wanted to write about aspects of our military life...but bit my tongue for various reasons: not wanting to break the spousal creed, not wanting to potentially deter Tall D's growth in the profession should this blog ever be linked to one of us, not wanting to potentially hinder my own path in providing services to the military, and not wanting to generally "go off" when at times I believe most stuff is situational.
But here's the deal folks, I was a spoiled kid, the daughter of an Air Force officer, who was a quiet leader and who from what I've been told didn't necessarily push himself to move up the ranks. My take on our experiences in that military of old are skewed because I was a young child (Dad retired when I was 9) and each branch of service has its own personality. I truly have no knowledge of whether Dad developed an ego in the service. I do know that his life was his job and while he was a good father, he wasn't around much for my older siblings. He always worked either Christmas or Eve and granted the young enlisted guys leave to go home to their families. It was hard to get him to take family vacations and when we did, we usually left behind schedule. We went to church on Sundays and I remember Mom & Dad dressing up glamorously for military balls. I also remember when my parents stopped drinking to set the example for my brothers and the young airmen in the department. Dad was never one to really lose his temper, but there are stories of him litting into an airman that he learned was a wife abuser. Dad never went to war, so in that respect his experience is totally different as well, but I do remember the difficulty of his transition out of the service. After wearing the same uniform and having the same routine for 20+ years, he suddenly was left with a massively reduced income, no idea what to wear each day, and lots of idle time (& two kids left in the home). Additionally his military job (a meteorologist) doesn't exactly translate into a job outside of the service where limited positions exist...and especially when Dad is an extremely quiet man. Watching Dad through his whole experience, left me better able to connect and relate to many of the service members I helped with their transitions during my job in Louisiana.
On the flip side of that experience, what I can tell you is that I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into when I agreed to marry an enlisted infantryman, as that world is a completely different world of its own and I believed Tall D when he told me the type of man he wanted to be in this life (a man not unlike my father: a leader, a believer of God, a heart for the world, steadfast, compassionate, but with a lil more fun & beer drinking thrown in...and honestly, a man who had set my first task to help him apply to become an officer, although that didn't end up being able to happen). My ignorance withheld the truth that that type of man doesn't survive the enlisted infantry due to the culture of the institution. I should have known something was askew when my uncle scoffed that I was going to run off with an infantryman....
And here's where I'm going to slightly spout off, because I joke but I'm also dead serious that routine weekend beer pong was probably the first indication that my marriage would be doomed. The infantry culture is one that promotes the atmosphere, maturity, egotisticalness, and moral standards of a frat house. It's definitely understandable in some regards....how do you send men (& some women) off to combat, training them to kill others without much regard, and yet expect them to return home and act like the most upright of moral citizens? How do you deal with the realities of a job many love to hate AND hate to love but expect them not to want to drink, drug, smoke or sex away frustrations and sorrows? Especially in a culture that tends to see emotions and sharing as a sign of weakness? Where counseling still contains a massive stigma and where most will admit to some of the symptoms of PTSD & TBI, but its rare to have one openly admit that they actually will classify as having the diagnosis. And the reality is that those who don't conform to the behaviors of the set (or who attempt to uphold the truth of the situation) are usually hazed or thought of as the weaker set. I can't tell you the countless times I individually had a soldier share with me that they didn't like someone's choices or lifestyle behaviors or share with me what they really were struggling with, but rarely will one stand out against the grain to stand up for what they truly believe in or what they are going through. And this is an example of why: The one time I actually witnessed a soldier finally share a segment of a nighttime dream (PTSD related) that he'd been struggling with, the entire kitchen went quiet and his fellow soldiers all changed the subject and left him hanging. How do you break the cycle when the entire institution wants to live in denial? And what do you do when even leadership tends to turn their head until they have to deal with the more negative outcomes?
In reality, as negative of an influence that the infantry culture can be, it seems like the transition out of that culture is even harder on the soldier. One of the many things that the military has going for it is it's sense of camaraderie The soldiers feel it when they work, sleep, party, etc with the same set of individuals day in and day out. They have to overlook any differences, because it doesn't matter when your life depends on the other in order to survive. The wives experience it also because generally most are going through the same thing. You understand that you're not the same individually, but you're going through the same experience and dealing with the same fears & concerns. I've never seen another setting that has the same sense of support, understanding, or camaraderie because it's rare that other occupations operate the same. Last year, in my veteran support job and in the conversations I had with several of Tall D's fellow veteran students, this need for camaraderie was continually brought to the table. And last year, I somehow attracted and developed a mini support group of about 12 diverse former soldiers from various service areas and branches, who were able to openly share their experiences, support each other, and find a similar type of camaraderie---that whole experience is limited however and only opens for those who are willing to seek it. Additionally, some veterans bond together in order to continue the moral chaos that existed while they were IN service, and I'm not so sure how well that benefits them in pursuing new goals outside of the service. The transition itself is usually a period of being lost and of needing assistance, but the soldier/veteran has to be willing to tap into the resources that exist.
There are other issues with the culture as well. It seems that many of the soldiers who choose or are put into the enlisted infantry ranks have had challenging pasts (Tall D tells me that this is historically the case as well), which might mean that the chaos that gets created in off hours is just a repetition of the life lived prior to joining the ranks. And generally speaking as individuals "mature" into adults, these same patterns exist due to the continuation of the infantry culture. Additionally, historically enlisted ranks have been paid at a rate that would allow for the survival of one individual (the soldier) and not for a family---in the past it was thought that the lower ranks would not have families (which isn't the case as much these days). Another major issue that I noticed while working in an office responsible for helping soldiers transition out of the service is that in times of downsizing, the military will cut individuals for various behavioral infractions that it is more than willing to overlook during other periods of need. Frequently these soldiers aren't granted the ample time needed in order to transition successfully. How do you prepare for separation, relocation, an identity shift, family needs, and create a new plan if you have just a few weeks (if that) until you're removed from your job? And if you have no family of origin to fall back on, then what do you do? And even for those who do have ample time to transition, why find a minimum wage job if unemployment pays you more than what you can find to do for a new job? Is it any wonder our veterans are struggling with employment, with sustaining, with accessing appropriate resources? (There's more to all this story, this is just a part of it.)
Honestly all this has been forefront on my brain for months (obviously, I lived and breathed veterans for an entire year both at home and at work last year). I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling the last few months not to be slightly disenfranchised with the whole infantry lot. Don't get me wrong, I most definitely appreciate the reality that these individuals face and the choice they make to put their lives on the line for each other and for the nation. What I'm not so thrilled with is the choices many of them make and the mentality that can be held outside of the job. Especially by those who want to head into leadership...and there's where part of all of this comes from lately. One of the fellow guys in our unit who was one of the lowest moral individuals I've ever met and who in a lot of ways Tall D started to be more and more like over time, has now announced that he wants to become an officer. Tall D and I have debated this announcement more than once in the last week, as he fully supports this choice (arguing that infantry officers need not be morally sound if they lead well in battle) and I am adamantly opposed to it (as I believe that officers are to LEAD by example both in combat and outside of work). I'm seriously so opposed that I wish I could write a letter against this individual's application packet. Why should we continue to put individuals into positions of leadership just because they're good in battle? And what makes a true leader? (Interestingly, my buddy I breakfasted with on Friday, also was enlisted infantry who became an officer...and who offered my same opinion when questioned on all of this.)
And here goes, the other reason all of this has been on my mind is because sometimes, I feel like an infantry wife/milspouse failure. I'm opposed to divorce. I'm opposed to milspouses who walk away from their soldier/veteran when the sol/vet needs her/him most. I remember adamantly telling my hesitant family that yes, there would be problems, but Tall D and I would see them through. And in reality my rose colored glasses blinded me from many of the truly underlying issues that did exist, until the reality was shared after it was basically too late. (Ironic that what we're good at professionally, isn't always what we're good at personally...isn't that the truth.) I recognize that not all of Tall D's and my problems stemmed from the military (as we obviously have fundamental differences in how we were raised and how we look at the world, plus our spiritual lives dwindled and I became that woman who banked my happiness on his happiness which only further made him unhappy because I was unhappy) and I recognize that I would tell any other milspouse that if he's not willing to get help or change his behaviors, then there isn't anything you can do but to move forward yourself.....but it still feels crappy to be doing it. I might be assertive and opinionated, but underneath, I've always been a caring and bleeding heart. While Tall D was never willing to tap into the resources as he had declared that he would, it doesn't mean that I've given up hope that he might and it doesn't mean that I'm willing to totally walk away from being his friend. Because as cheesy as it sounds, there's one infantry value that I do truly believe in...and that's the reality that you don't leave your buddies behind....
Disclaimer: I also must say that not EVERY infantryman is affected this way. And obviously from recent events (General Petrayus & others), every officer or individual (both inside and outside the military) has the potential to be morally corrupt as well. We all struggle, I get this. I wouldn't say that the beginning of my separation was the greatest show of my moral character either, I'm just as capable of having a 2X4 in my eye while pointing out the flaws of systems and others. And I don't know that the system can be fixed honestly, but I think it's a shame that it continues to exist as it does.
Updated after two hours of raking: The more I thought about it the more I realized that any choices that I still wonder at their morality or whether they were the best decisions I've made occurred while being surrounded by the military culture. Technically the choices were all within appropriate professional or societal guidelines these day but they definitely weren't the greatest representations of my values. And then I wondered why it might be that we're more likely to make those types of choices dependent upon the individuals we're routinely interacting with....Do we make questionable choices when our choices seem pale by comparison to those around us? And if that's the case....then that might explain a lot....and only furthers my belief that strong moral leadership is part of the key.
What do you think? What makes a leader? Is morality part of it? Or is that now an old-fashioned notion?
But here's the deal folks, I was a spoiled kid, the daughter of an Air Force officer, who was a quiet leader and who from what I've been told didn't necessarily push himself to move up the ranks. My take on our experiences in that military of old are skewed because I was a young child (Dad retired when I was 9) and each branch of service has its own personality. I truly have no knowledge of whether Dad developed an ego in the service. I do know that his life was his job and while he was a good father, he wasn't around much for my older siblings. He always worked either Christmas or Eve and granted the young enlisted guys leave to go home to their families. It was hard to get him to take family vacations and when we did, we usually left behind schedule. We went to church on Sundays and I remember Mom & Dad dressing up glamorously for military balls. I also remember when my parents stopped drinking to set the example for my brothers and the young airmen in the department. Dad was never one to really lose his temper, but there are stories of him litting into an airman that he learned was a wife abuser. Dad never went to war, so in that respect his experience is totally different as well, but I do remember the difficulty of his transition out of the service. After wearing the same uniform and having the same routine for 20+ years, he suddenly was left with a massively reduced income, no idea what to wear each day, and lots of idle time (& two kids left in the home). Additionally his military job (a meteorologist) doesn't exactly translate into a job outside of the service where limited positions exist...and especially when Dad is an extremely quiet man. Watching Dad through his whole experience, left me better able to connect and relate to many of the service members I helped with their transitions during my job in Louisiana.
On the flip side of that experience, what I can tell you is that I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into when I agreed to marry an enlisted infantryman, as that world is a completely different world of its own and I believed Tall D when he told me the type of man he wanted to be in this life (a man not unlike my father: a leader, a believer of God, a heart for the world, steadfast, compassionate, but with a lil more fun & beer drinking thrown in...and honestly, a man who had set my first task to help him apply to become an officer, although that didn't end up being able to happen). My ignorance withheld the truth that that type of man doesn't survive the enlisted infantry due to the culture of the institution. I should have known something was askew when my uncle scoffed that I was going to run off with an infantryman....
And here's where I'm going to slightly spout off, because I joke but I'm also dead serious that routine weekend beer pong was probably the first indication that my marriage would be doomed. The infantry culture is one that promotes the atmosphere, maturity, egotisticalness, and moral standards of a frat house. It's definitely understandable in some regards....how do you send men (& some women) off to combat, training them to kill others without much regard, and yet expect them to return home and act like the most upright of moral citizens? How do you deal with the realities of a job many love to hate AND hate to love but expect them not to want to drink, drug, smoke or sex away frustrations and sorrows? Especially in a culture that tends to see emotions and sharing as a sign of weakness? Where counseling still contains a massive stigma and where most will admit to some of the symptoms of PTSD & TBI, but its rare to have one openly admit that they actually will classify as having the diagnosis. And the reality is that those who don't conform to the behaviors of the set (or who attempt to uphold the truth of the situation) are usually hazed or thought of as the weaker set. I can't tell you the countless times I individually had a soldier share with me that they didn't like someone's choices or lifestyle behaviors or share with me what they really were struggling with, but rarely will one stand out against the grain to stand up for what they truly believe in or what they are going through. And this is an example of why: The one time I actually witnessed a soldier finally share a segment of a nighttime dream (PTSD related) that he'd been struggling with, the entire kitchen went quiet and his fellow soldiers all changed the subject and left him hanging. How do you break the cycle when the entire institution wants to live in denial? And what do you do when even leadership tends to turn their head until they have to deal with the more negative outcomes?
In reality, as negative of an influence that the infantry culture can be, it seems like the transition out of that culture is even harder on the soldier. One of the many things that the military has going for it is it's sense of camaraderie The soldiers feel it when they work, sleep, party, etc with the same set of individuals day in and day out. They have to overlook any differences, because it doesn't matter when your life depends on the other in order to survive. The wives experience it also because generally most are going through the same thing. You understand that you're not the same individually, but you're going through the same experience and dealing with the same fears & concerns. I've never seen another setting that has the same sense of support, understanding, or camaraderie because it's rare that other occupations operate the same. Last year, in my veteran support job and in the conversations I had with several of Tall D's fellow veteran students, this need for camaraderie was continually brought to the table. And last year, I somehow attracted and developed a mini support group of about 12 diverse former soldiers from various service areas and branches, who were able to openly share their experiences, support each other, and find a similar type of camaraderie---that whole experience is limited however and only opens for those who are willing to seek it. Additionally, some veterans bond together in order to continue the moral chaos that existed while they were IN service, and I'm not so sure how well that benefits them in pursuing new goals outside of the service. The transition itself is usually a period of being lost and of needing assistance, but the soldier/veteran has to be willing to tap into the resources that exist.
There are other issues with the culture as well. It seems that many of the soldiers who choose or are put into the enlisted infantry ranks have had challenging pasts (Tall D tells me that this is historically the case as well), which might mean that the chaos that gets created in off hours is just a repetition of the life lived prior to joining the ranks. And generally speaking as individuals "mature" into adults, these same patterns exist due to the continuation of the infantry culture. Additionally, historically enlisted ranks have been paid at a rate that would allow for the survival of one individual (the soldier) and not for a family---in the past it was thought that the lower ranks would not have families (which isn't the case as much these days). Another major issue that I noticed while working in an office responsible for helping soldiers transition out of the service is that in times of downsizing, the military will cut individuals for various behavioral infractions that it is more than willing to overlook during other periods of need. Frequently these soldiers aren't granted the ample time needed in order to transition successfully. How do you prepare for separation, relocation, an identity shift, family needs, and create a new plan if you have just a few weeks (if that) until you're removed from your job? And if you have no family of origin to fall back on, then what do you do? And even for those who do have ample time to transition, why find a minimum wage job if unemployment pays you more than what you can find to do for a new job? Is it any wonder our veterans are struggling with employment, with sustaining, with accessing appropriate resources? (There's more to all this story, this is just a part of it.)
Honestly all this has been forefront on my brain for months (obviously, I lived and breathed veterans for an entire year both at home and at work last year). I'm not going to lie, I've been struggling the last few months not to be slightly disenfranchised with the whole infantry lot. Don't get me wrong, I most definitely appreciate the reality that these individuals face and the choice they make to put their lives on the line for each other and for the nation. What I'm not so thrilled with is the choices many of them make and the mentality that can be held outside of the job. Especially by those who want to head into leadership...and there's where part of all of this comes from lately. One of the fellow guys in our unit who was one of the lowest moral individuals I've ever met and who in a lot of ways Tall D started to be more and more like over time, has now announced that he wants to become an officer. Tall D and I have debated this announcement more than once in the last week, as he fully supports this choice (arguing that infantry officers need not be morally sound if they lead well in battle) and I am adamantly opposed to it (as I believe that officers are to LEAD by example both in combat and outside of work). I'm seriously so opposed that I wish I could write a letter against this individual's application packet. Why should we continue to put individuals into positions of leadership just because they're good in battle? And what makes a true leader? (Interestingly, my buddy I breakfasted with on Friday, also was enlisted infantry who became an officer...and who offered my same opinion when questioned on all of this.)
And here goes, the other reason all of this has been on my mind is because sometimes, I feel like an infantry wife/milspouse failure. I'm opposed to divorce. I'm opposed to milspouses who walk away from their soldier/veteran when the sol/vet needs her/him most. I remember adamantly telling my hesitant family that yes, there would be problems, but Tall D and I would see them through. And in reality my rose colored glasses blinded me from many of the truly underlying issues that did exist, until the reality was shared after it was basically too late. (Ironic that what we're good at professionally, isn't always what we're good at personally...isn't that the truth.) I recognize that not all of Tall D's and my problems stemmed from the military (as we obviously have fundamental differences in how we were raised and how we look at the world, plus our spiritual lives dwindled and I became that woman who banked my happiness on his happiness which only further made him unhappy because I was unhappy) and I recognize that I would tell any other milspouse that if he's not willing to get help or change his behaviors, then there isn't anything you can do but to move forward yourself.....but it still feels crappy to be doing it. I might be assertive and opinionated, but underneath, I've always been a caring and bleeding heart. While Tall D was never willing to tap into the resources as he had declared that he would, it doesn't mean that I've given up hope that he might and it doesn't mean that I'm willing to totally walk away from being his friend. Because as cheesy as it sounds, there's one infantry value that I do truly believe in...and that's the reality that you don't leave your buddies behind....
Disclaimer: I also must say that not EVERY infantryman is affected this way. And obviously from recent events (General Petrayus & others), every officer or individual (both inside and outside the military) has the potential to be morally corrupt as well. We all struggle, I get this. I wouldn't say that the beginning of my separation was the greatest show of my moral character either, I'm just as capable of having a 2X4 in my eye while pointing out the flaws of systems and others. And I don't know that the system can be fixed honestly, but I think it's a shame that it continues to exist as it does.
Updated after two hours of raking: The more I thought about it the more I realized that any choices that I still wonder at their morality or whether they were the best decisions I've made occurred while being surrounded by the military culture. Technically the choices were all within appropriate professional or societal guidelines these day but they definitely weren't the greatest representations of my values. And then I wondered why it might be that we're more likely to make those types of choices dependent upon the individuals we're routinely interacting with....Do we make questionable choices when our choices seem pale by comparison to those around us? And if that's the case....then that might explain a lot....and only furthers my belief that strong moral leadership is part of the key.
What do you think? What makes a leader? Is morality part of it? Or is that now an old-fashioned notion?
Random Rambles
Just a hodge podge of things floating around my head the last two days with some happenings thrown in:
---Apple crepes are delicious and breakfast has easily become my favorite meal of the day. Ironically it wasn't until I moved to Louisiana that I ever really ate breakfast on the regular. Two breakfast outings this long weekend was awesome, as on Saturday I grabbed breakfast with a house guest/mate of Tall D & the boys, who is going through his own divorce. Lots of time spent listening, getting in words where I saw fit, and just generally trying to support through the questions. I've been there, it sucks...
---The football game went well and we won! So the high school alma mater is heading to the state finals next weekend for the first time ever! So good to catch up with friends during the game, and I'm pretty sure that was one of the first social outings Tall D and I have had to make jointly albeit independently since the actual divorce and it went fine.
---Thick wool socks, leggings, and jogging tops make me happy these days.
---Speaking of jogging, the winter sunshine called me outside this afternoon and I covered 6.8 miles on my run. It felt pretty great, I had a smile on my face until the last mile, and the sunshine felt amazing on my bare legs. I also realized that it's hard to motivate myself out to run for anything under than 3-4 miles these days--even lately I keep feeling like it better be 4-7 miles or it's not worth it. While that's not much to some, that's a HUGE improvement to me! Oh and I'm pretty sure that I'm having some other issue that is effecting my running, but I'm not sure how to prevent it. Hmm..
---Church this morning. Again....AWESOME. And I want to drag every single one of my friends there. It just feeds my soul. The type of church that recognizes that no one is perfect and yet is all about giving, sharing, missions, caring. I don't agree with everything they practice, but so far, I have yet to walk out feeling like I disagree with anything and I always walk out feeling uplifted and fulfilled.
---I've been thinking a lot about my milspouse gals. How much they mean to me...and how difficult of a Christmas this will probably be for so many of us. Three husbands deployed, one husband lost his life in combat, one milspouse lost her mom to cancer, and Tall D and I divorced. My heart breaks for each of them and yet misses them and the reality that we all understand so much too.
---Speaking of milspouses, yesterday evening I had a long text chat with the wife of Tall D's best Army bud, as she and I became good pals too. It was good to be able to discuss some of the concerns that I have, the concerns that have been brought to me by others as well, to hear of her husband and her & the resources utilized, to gain a better understanding of certain aspects of things that don't get discussed, and to just check in in general. It also made me realize another aspect of failure that I struggle with....but I might post about that separately. I've been feeling a military post coming on lately.....
---The irony of 30 that I think I've shared before......I'm really starting to look my age ie my students don't question that I'm old enough to know and I'm rarely getting carded these days, but I've also never been in better shape or more toned. I think I've gotten more compliments from the Tall one in the last three months than in the three years of our living in the same residence, and the other evening my old buddy sent me a text speaking to that very fact that the "years had been good to me." I've been hearing this a lot lately and I'd have to agree, but I think it also makes me nervous to what the next five years might be.... plus I'm well aware that the minute I start eating more or with old habits.....some poundage is going to be added.
----On a related note: yesterday I treated myself to a peppermint smoothie from Burgerville and a fish fillet sandwich. I hadn't eaten since breakfast, the Dogs won the game, and so I treated myself to full fat...and it was worth every single bite :)
----Also, don't laugh, but I'd been realizing that something felt different about my body...and it finally dawned on me that this is the first time in my adult life that I haven't had some sort of love handle flab. I still feel the phantom love :) HA!
---Graded the final in-person assignments! Woot woot. Tomorrow I hope to conquer the online assignments/quizzes...and then courses are wrapping up!
---Today I broke the no-buy November in order to buy a few holiday decor items: a wreath and swag for outside, two poinsettas, and some scented pine cones for the table. I swapped out the gourds and changed up the candles, and Tall D also agreed to let my cousin, T, and I borrow the truck one afternoon later this week so we can go cut me down a Christmas tree--us ladies are pretty stoked :) (Plus T doesn't know it but she's going to be volunteered to crawl into the attic to get down the Christmas decorations) ;)
---This evening I had my meeting/interview with the short-term house share. It sounds like it might just be December with potential for a bit of January thrown in. I'm still deciding although leaning toward yes, just because I feel inclined to take the gal under my wing and help her out for a bit. (Although I keep hearing my aunt's advice: Stop being a caretaker for everyone else....and take care of yourself for once!) I keep waiting to figure out what the catch is with this gal but hopefully there is none. She'd move in on Saturday and the room would stay completely furnished--she'd basically just be staying almost like a paying guest. Potentially not a bad deal.....
---And tonight the dogs got baths. It was the first time Roxi has had a bath since we moved to Oregon maybe (although there might have been one outside). Anna's been to the groomer's twice, but since the dogs are outside as much as in, I usually hate the idea of bathing them just for them to get so dirty. Except tonight I realized that Roxi was oily...so into the bathtub she went, followed by Anna. Both dogs used to freak out when we'd bath them, so I was incredibly impressed that they both let me pick them up and generally tolerated the bath/shower as it happened.
---I've also had some more thoughts about Tall D in general, and the reality of knowing I shouldn't talk to him but the reality of knowing that I don't want to not talk to him. And that's not in a "I'm not over him" way, that's in that "wow, we shouldn't be married, what were we thinking, but gosh, I DO/Did enjoy lots of about him and I'd like to be able to offer him support as a friend" sort of way. Only time will tell how any friendship progresses, etc. I know that I do have it in me though to shut emotions off and push forward--I've done it with past loves before, especially in times when I'm embracing the year ahead to regain myself. I'm not looking to integrate ANYONE except for reacquainting with me. And ironically I have been realizing that I am returning to a lot of aspects of the version of me that I was right before I met TallD: back at church regularly, being more mindful of debts & finances, more settled in my soul & heart, more confident in my choices & actions, looking forward, a better friend & more engaged family member, and focused on my physical health for the right reasons (and not because I'm trying to keep him engaged).
---There's more...but I'm going to bed! :)
---Apple crepes are delicious and breakfast has easily become my favorite meal of the day. Ironically it wasn't until I moved to Louisiana that I ever really ate breakfast on the regular. Two breakfast outings this long weekend was awesome, as on Saturday I grabbed breakfast with a house guest/mate of Tall D & the boys, who is going through his own divorce. Lots of time spent listening, getting in words where I saw fit, and just generally trying to support through the questions. I've been there, it sucks...
---The football game went well and we won! So the high school alma mater is heading to the state finals next weekend for the first time ever! So good to catch up with friends during the game, and I'm pretty sure that was one of the first social outings Tall D and I have had to make jointly albeit independently since the actual divorce and it went fine.
---Thick wool socks, leggings, and jogging tops make me happy these days.
---Speaking of jogging, the winter sunshine called me outside this afternoon and I covered 6.8 miles on my run. It felt pretty great, I had a smile on my face until the last mile, and the sunshine felt amazing on my bare legs. I also realized that it's hard to motivate myself out to run for anything under than 3-4 miles these days--even lately I keep feeling like it better be 4-7 miles or it's not worth it. While that's not much to some, that's a HUGE improvement to me! Oh and I'm pretty sure that I'm having some other issue that is effecting my running, but I'm not sure how to prevent it. Hmm..
---Church this morning. Again....AWESOME. And I want to drag every single one of my friends there. It just feeds my soul. The type of church that recognizes that no one is perfect and yet is all about giving, sharing, missions, caring. I don't agree with everything they practice, but so far, I have yet to walk out feeling like I disagree with anything and I always walk out feeling uplifted and fulfilled.
---I've been thinking a lot about my milspouse gals. How much they mean to me...and how difficult of a Christmas this will probably be for so many of us. Three husbands deployed, one husband lost his life in combat, one milspouse lost her mom to cancer, and Tall D and I divorced. My heart breaks for each of them and yet misses them and the reality that we all understand so much too.
---Speaking of milspouses, yesterday evening I had a long text chat with the wife of Tall D's best Army bud, as she and I became good pals too. It was good to be able to discuss some of the concerns that I have, the concerns that have been brought to me by others as well, to hear of her husband and her & the resources utilized, to gain a better understanding of certain aspects of things that don't get discussed, and to just check in in general. It also made me realize another aspect of failure that I struggle with....but I might post about that separately. I've been feeling a military post coming on lately.....
---The irony of 30 that I think I've shared before......I'm really starting to look my age ie my students don't question that I'm old enough to know and I'm rarely getting carded these days, but I've also never been in better shape or more toned. I think I've gotten more compliments from the Tall one in the last three months than in the three years of our living in the same residence, and the other evening my old buddy sent me a text speaking to that very fact that the "years had been good to me." I've been hearing this a lot lately and I'd have to agree, but I think it also makes me nervous to what the next five years might be.... plus I'm well aware that the minute I start eating more or with old habits.....some poundage is going to be added.
----On a related note: yesterday I treated myself to a peppermint smoothie from Burgerville and a fish fillet sandwich. I hadn't eaten since breakfast, the Dogs won the game, and so I treated myself to full fat...and it was worth every single bite :)
----Also, don't laugh, but I'd been realizing that something felt different about my body...and it finally dawned on me that this is the first time in my adult life that I haven't had some sort of love handle flab. I still feel the phantom love :) HA!
---Graded the final in-person assignments! Woot woot. Tomorrow I hope to conquer the online assignments/quizzes...and then courses are wrapping up!
---Today I broke the no-buy November in order to buy a few holiday decor items: a wreath and swag for outside, two poinsettas, and some scented pine cones for the table. I swapped out the gourds and changed up the candles, and Tall D also agreed to let my cousin, T, and I borrow the truck one afternoon later this week so we can go cut me down a Christmas tree--us ladies are pretty stoked :) (Plus T doesn't know it but she's going to be volunteered to crawl into the attic to get down the Christmas decorations) ;)
---This evening I had my meeting/interview with the short-term house share. It sounds like it might just be December with potential for a bit of January thrown in. I'm still deciding although leaning toward yes, just because I feel inclined to take the gal under my wing and help her out for a bit. (Although I keep hearing my aunt's advice: Stop being a caretaker for everyone else....and take care of yourself for once!) I keep waiting to figure out what the catch is with this gal but hopefully there is none. She'd move in on Saturday and the room would stay completely furnished--she'd basically just be staying almost like a paying guest. Potentially not a bad deal.....
---And tonight the dogs got baths. It was the first time Roxi has had a bath since we moved to Oregon maybe (although there might have been one outside). Anna's been to the groomer's twice, but since the dogs are outside as much as in, I usually hate the idea of bathing them just for them to get so dirty. Except tonight I realized that Roxi was oily...so into the bathtub she went, followed by Anna. Both dogs used to freak out when we'd bath them, so I was incredibly impressed that they both let me pick them up and generally tolerated the bath/shower as it happened.
---I've also had some more thoughts about Tall D in general, and the reality of knowing I shouldn't talk to him but the reality of knowing that I don't want to not talk to him. And that's not in a "I'm not over him" way, that's in that "wow, we shouldn't be married, what were we thinking, but gosh, I DO/Did enjoy lots of about him and I'd like to be able to offer him support as a friend" sort of way. Only time will tell how any friendship progresses, etc. I know that I do have it in me though to shut emotions off and push forward--I've done it with past loves before, especially in times when I'm embracing the year ahead to regain myself. I'm not looking to integrate ANYONE except for reacquainting with me. And ironically I have been realizing that I am returning to a lot of aspects of the version of me that I was right before I met TallD: back at church regularly, being more mindful of debts & finances, more settled in my soul & heart, more confident in my choices & actions, looking forward, a better friend & more engaged family member, and focused on my physical health for the right reasons (and not because I'm trying to keep him engaged).
---There's more...but I'm going to bed! :)
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