Winter Wear: Wk 8

Wow--WEEK EIGHT!!

Tuesday Evening Lecture:

This week's topics were Alcohol, Drugs, & Tobacco. The students have the opportunity to have group discussions regarding the perception of adolescent drinking and gender stereotypes associated with drinking. Then we transitioned into an over-view of an article on binge drinking, where I help them learn how to break down the components of an academic article....and we discuss the definition of binge drinking and health impacts associated with it. Lecture on the three chapters and the students turn in an assignment about their experiences & attitudes regarding A&D. So more grading to do this week/end!

Wednesday Evening Lecture: 

This dress apparently led one of my female students feel the need to tell me that she thought I should wear much shorter skirts and dresses "since I work so hard, I should be showing off those gams." I told her I appreciated the compliment, but anything shorter would probably be better suited for my PERSONAL rather than PROFESSIONAL life, no? "Oh yea..."

Ironically, I went out with the housemate and his coworker after I got off work...and that same student and two others from this term were all out at the same establishment. Oh the irony that the first time I try to go out for some beers like that in a long time...I run into three students ;)

Anyway...this outfit was a new twist--uber professional sheath dress (which was a kick butt deal last year at Target ($13)) that I tried to dress down....

Thursday: Brews & Lunch w/ my brother 

I had every intention to be productive today and started out holing myself up in my new office area in the guest room (which I LOVE)....and then as the hours dragged on and the scholarship websites continued to be down....it dawned on me that I hadn't talked with my brother for a while so I sent him a text to see if he was working in PDX today (he travels for work to trouble shoot photography equipment). Once he got a break, we were then able to head out for brews, lunch, and some catch-up conversation---definitely really nice to see him!

Still feeling like life/direction/my head is all over the place these days...and I forgot how distracting certain things in life can be, but I'm trying to push through! Two more weeks of in-person lectures and then the final is here! It's just about time to start prepping next term's courses!

Changes & Happenings of Late

BAH! Where does time go?! Blogging has been the last thing on the list which means that I've barely logged in over the last week or two. It's good to be happily distracted and busy, but my head just sort of feels like it's in that "constantly treading water" state. ;)

So what's been going on?

Well a lil of this:

---New Housemate: who is awesome. He moved in just over a week ago and honestly I'm really hoping that the next few months go just as awesomely as this first week. He's also just out of a relationship and just coming back to the local area after working overseas on assignment for the last six months. He's also ironically a veteran, so far accepts & respects my lil household quirks, and while he hasn't spent much time in the outdoors--he's got the motivation, speed, and gear for it. It's sort of like being able to meld the best of both worlds of what I've been looking for--someone to split my household bills AND a new outdoor/fun partner. M works full-time but on a 3-4 days a week shift so he's also got some free weekday time which is awesome. He's up for just about anything (McMenamins soaking pool, dragging me out for Saturday evening pitchers of PBR with his friends, dinner & a rental, organizing the garage, drinking coffee, and trying to convince me to do the Warrior Dash....) Oh and yesterday I took him on his first official hike...and he totally kicked my butt when he turned the hike into a trail run and left me wasted behind--ha! The dogs are still getting used to him, my parents thought he was great when he started trying to help dad fix stuff around the house and told them some of the nerdy details about his tech job, and while not what I would have expected for the next 6-7 months..I'm pretty stoked about having him here!

Yesterday's First Hike of the Year:

--Family Brunch: Hosted the extended family for brunch two weekends ago and my parents also happened to come up that weekend (as they now stay with me whenever they come north now that Granny's been relocated and they can no longer stay with her). I made a french toast bake (that didn't really turn out cause the strawberries I subbed in made it too runny), sticky buns, and baked oatmeal. The family also brought quiche, coffee cake, fruit and mimosa fixings. SO nice to have the family here and get to spend time with everyone---I love being able to do this more openly now. ;)

--Cancelled my online account...about two weeks back. Yup. I decided that the online medium of meeting people is not the right one for me because I'm more apt to gauge attraction to others based on seeing how they work in their natural context. Plus I kept feeling like most the dates I went on were wanting more of a real long term relationship and I'm still not quite there yet. Ironically, I'm still getting emails...and I might go back to it at some point, but I feel like the minute I opened myself up to the potential of dating, my social life increased ten fold AND I started meeting people through more traditional venues. Which....

--Saturday. I spent at a tea house with my gal N in the morning...and then the rest of the day was mainly reserved for someone I've just been getting to know. A friend of a friend who is very respectfully taking things slow--not necessarily for me but also because he's cautious. He's VERY different than most the guys I've dated/hung-out with in the past...but for some reason, there's something I like about it. It might not go anywhere but right now, I'm just happy where it is. He'd offered to let me drag him out hiking on Saturday but we got rained out, so lunch turned into a movie (with pre-movie video game racing while waiting! :)...and I made it thru the entire movie without getting antsy which is pretty unheard of for me in the last few years) which turned into dinner. He's gone most of the actual week for work, so in some ways it naturally forces us to get to know each other via text...and to only really spend limited time together on the weekends....but I like it this way. 

--Work. Luckily last week was exam week which meant limited prepping, but I have grading to try to get thru today and tomorrow still. This week is Alcohol & Drugs, so it sometimes leads to some interesting conversations and redirecting. On Thursday of last week, I also braved 5am to commute with some coworkers for a Nutrition conference in Corvallis. It ended up being different than what I expected (it focused mainly on Whole Grains rather than all nutrition), but we still got some interesting information out of it, especially regarding probiotics and celiac disease. And it was nice to be in a learning environment with fellow individuals passionate about the current state of health in our nation. Oh...and should I get accepted to the MSW program...my boss already talked to me about staying on as an online instructor for the year until I could re-integrate upon it's completion--have I mentioned how awesome my boss is?!

--Other happenings: met my girls for Happy Hour last Monday, my "recovery" Insanity DVD kicked my butt in a way that usually doesn't so it forced me into extra rest for a few days this week, Anna's shedding like crazy which means vacuuming multiple times a week currently, filed my FAFSA finally, and having someone else around makes me have to eat more (especially since he also cooks-ha!). Still have a to-do list to get through but it'll all get done on time!

Winter Work Wear: Week 7

Tuesday Evening: Exam

Wednesday Evening: Exam

There was also a Thursday conference but I forgot to snag a picture: gray knit thrifted skirt, merlot ruffle button up tucked in, brown boy cardigan, brown flats, & wood accessories.

Mid February Update

So while I'm on a word vomit, perhaps dramatic note ;) Here's the update:

Sunday was a struggle. I went to church like I've been doing, I'd gone on a great date the night before, but I realized something about the ex and started having a hard time....and that led me to start thinking about everything else that wasn't going my way. At 11pm, one of my high school best gals called me cause she could tell I needed some phone and God therapy.....and that gal, well she has some sort of magical direct line to God. In what I like to call "a wailing and gnashing of teeth session," (ha--I prewarned you about today's potential dramatic flair) girlfriend gave it to me straight:
1) Forgive yourself. Stop beating yourself up for your failures...and in so doing,
2) What are you NOT listening to what God is saying, because if you're holding back then of course life is going to keep you in a holding pattern,
and 3) Get the ex's stuff out of your house...and live YOUR life.

BOOM! Just like that, I "saw the light." Hahaha okay maybe not quite that extreme but suddenly some things started to make sense....
A) That self-forgiveness piece is going to take some time still, but I also realized that I'm selfishly denying my gifts of working with veterans because I'm still hung up on my personal failures. If I remove self from the equation and instead pursue a potential skill that God has provided, many more options open.
B) IF I choose to try to work with veterans rather than fight it.....then it also makes much more sense of why life may have led me along the path I've walked in the last few years. It might turn what was a crappy situation into....well a situation that was needed in order for me to do potentially good work.
C) This week I put my foot down....the ex's stuff is gone...and it felt so incredibly freeing. Sure four hours later, the realness set in too, but still it's a new life...finally.

SO Monday morning I woke up and over the next twelve hours researched, called, and applied to try to finish my MSW...in Colorado. Application was submitted, transcript requests mailed, and my references contacted. One reference letter was submitted on Wednesday. The other will be sent in after I talk to my contact in depth tomorrow. I might get denied...and I'm not sure that this is 100% the direction I'm to head in....but if the door opens, then I'll try to walk through it. I never saw myself being a true therapist...but here's the thing, veterans tend to talk to me. PTSD episodes don't scare me. And I'm not afraid to tell them how it is. At this point in life, I feel like if I'm led there...then I can do this....and I need the training to be a better service provider.

In 40 minutes I'm also heading out to hear about a fellowship opportunity at the local VA for a position at the programmatic level. It sounds interesting and while I'm not 100% qualified, when I emailed the guy on Monday, he told me to apply anyway. I've also been offered other veteran related contacts for potential leads....and in a meeting downtown yesterday with my former grad boss, I discovered that a new PhD program is in development, of which they hope to have PhD slots funded by GRA/TA positions. My former supervisor was also impressed by the many potential dissertation ideas that I constantly wonder about just in my own head. The first cohort would be admitted Fall 2014, so that's another potential option.

So what else? In the last three days, I've applied to two additional jobs and been forwarded about ten more. I've taught and graded. I'm registered for an interesting conference next week. My new housemate (who knows, he might be a weird-o) moves in today and my parents are coming for the night/tomorrow. I spent Valentine's evening with granny and my aunt and tomorrow I'm hosting my extended family for brunch. The guy I met on Saturday had me laughing the entire time, engaged in stimulating intellectual banter, and has invited me for a three mile trail run for date 2. While I'm not 100% feeling him (not that I "feel" most dudes these days), I really enjoyed his company. Yesterday I gifted myself with a clean house and car, chatted with my landlords as they did a walk-thru and check-in regarding the house, and the dogs and I nailed out an awesome six miler. I was slightly under the weather the last week but was able to kick the cold before it settled.

Life has continued to be a whirlwind the last few weeks, but this last week, well, it's beginning to really feeling incredibly peaceful. Have I totally give my life over to God? I don't know....and maybe He'll continue to keep me in this incredibly uncomfortable holding pattern, but somehow I have to believe that the more I put myself out there...to trust in Him, to be okay with being uncomfortable again, that He's going to move and use me in the ways He's been waiting to do. Talk about putting someone in a holding pattern...I'm pretty sure, Big Man's just giving back...exactly what He's been getting. Ha!

Hope y'all have been doing well! Best wishes to you and yours...and let's see where life takes us!

On Life After Divorce....& Dating

So here's the deal.....

....some days you win and some days you lose. Divorce was a big fat loss. Marriage was in a lot of ways a big fast loss. Sure there were some great moments in there...and I'm not going to lie, the thing I'm not over, even still, is this idea of what should/could have been between the ex and I...and I'm not sure if I'll ever truly let go of and/or get over that. Hypothetically, the ex and I want the same type of things, we want each other in a partner, but man our practice techniques of living out our "theory" just doesn't add up. Now after divorce, am I happier at this stage? Yes. Most definitely. Sure I still have moments most days were I get a lil bummed still, a song makes my heart ache for a few, I just plain miss his companionship, or something reminds me of him. But I'm definitely happier functioning solo again. My life is truly my own again. The dogs are mine, the ex removed his final things from the home this week, his address change finally was processed, my taxes are filed, 99.99% of all accounts are separated, and at this point communication only has to ensue if we both want it to. The only joint things left are a Costco membership and a loan on the truck (of which he is paying), plus the mutual friends that we share.

Do I still feel like I got short-changed? 100%. I don't know that my marriage was ever what had been promised to me once we were a few months in...and especially once I'd relocated over halfway across the nation. Lies were caught, tears ensued, and I don't think that this gal's trust ever truly was recreated...and after years of feeling second-rate, catching more half-truths, and realizing I might never be able to break into his heart, the icing finally melted, the cake cracked, and the separation only showed me that I would never be able to be his "it." But folks, that's what happens when you're a romantic dreamer who believes that you can run off with the "right one" after just a couple months....it doesn't always turn out the way you were sold. But I learned a lot in the process...about life, about love, about areas where I could also really use some improvements. And interestingly as much as I feel that getting married how I did was probably one of two of the biggest mistakes I ever made (thus far at least and ironically #2 was part of the initial separation), I don't know that I regret the time that we spent together.

I also know I wasn't easy to be married to either and I lost sight of myself while I floundered alone in Louisiana. And as much as I do someday hope the ex and I can truly be friends...right now I think we just continue to bring each other down 90% of the time. As much as we both care about the other, we both are somewhat egotistical, manipulative, and selfish...and do a great job of letting the other know which of their faults we see in existence...and that's not healthy for either of us. It's going to be a long time coming before I stop hearing negative commentary in my head....and I'm sure he feels the same way about my voice in his head as well. Sigh....interesting that the one person you most want to give and know your love....sometimes brings out the worst in you. Hence, our divorce is a very good thing.

Looking back, the divorce should have happened much, much sooner, although as much as other Christians might fight me on this, I still feel like there was a reason we passed that time together, a reason we both were sent to Louisiana, a reason we lived through aspects of the military together, that God had us get married, but that He also blessed our divorce. If God's all about love and wanting to have His people work to glorify His name.....then I can assure you that Tall D and I were not doing His work while we were together.

A few random things upon reflection:
---the divorce has taught me that anything that I thought I wouldn't be able to do....I CAN do it. At this point, I've come to realize that one's mind is stronger than one might think...and that almost everything is truly mind over matter.
---forgiveness is hard....self-forgiveness is even harder.
---ironically, it seems that whatever one says they won't do, life has a funny way of turning that state into a "will" do.
---as much as I felt incredibly supported by individuals in my life...sometimes there were moments when I just couldn't bring myself to tell someone else that I really just needed them to come, to where I was, in that exact moment. (Call it pride even in the midst of despair.) Even though on occasion I'd send out an inquiry text to see what someone was doing and if they'd be able to connect---in reality, and in honesty, some of those texts were moments of major defeat. When I really just needed someone to pack up from work or to drive the miles, and to come to where I was in a pile of mess and tears crumbled on the back deck or the floor. There were weeks of loneliness but there were some days when it was just a black pit of despair. And as draining as it is to be around someone else suffering in a bout of depression, there were days when another body in my home or in the guest bed would have made a world of difference, even if they just sat there while I wracked myself with tears...or refused to let the tears fall in the presence of another. These are things I write, not because I harbor any resentments, but because I want to remember for the future in case any of my other friends go through this....I want to know that she might not be able to share that she's fallen apart and just needs someone/anyone to hold on to....
---and with that....second note to self for the future....when she is in the midst of divorce, order her a pizza...and have it delivered. If you can't bring yourself to cook, you just might be tempted by a pizza delivery....and have enough left over for breakfast with coffee to boot!

And this all brings me to where I am right now currently with this whole dating process. I'm not looking to pair up right now, so sometimes I feel like I'm being misleading when I go on a new date. But it's been nice meeting new people...and as I'd hoped, have to answer questions and in the process of explaining find MY voice again (and not the thoughts, views, and decisions of the ex.) But I'm not going to lie, I don't think that I'll ever leave a first date feeling the same way I did when the ex and I were originally "courting," and I've come to accept that as being okay. The second time around, in fact, I don't want a whirlwind. I want stability, laughter, gentleness, support, mutual acceptance, heart, and sure some mutual interests and view of the world would be nice. In a lot of regards, I want the same type of things that I wanted when I first met the ex, although the list is less and slightly altered. These days I don't want a challenge....I'm exhausted. These days I just want a friend....who could eventually also progress to a potential more. But the problem that I'm finding is a) when you're heart (and therefore a big part of you) is shut-down cause you're not ready to connect (and you're jaded on top of it), then "chemistry" tends to be lacking and b) I feel like most the guys that are out there are looking for relationship potential or "the one" (of which I no longer believe). The other big irony of the moment is that once I opened myself up to the idea of initially dating, then options appeared from other unexpected ways. In all honesty, I don't know what will happen with this. I might pull back into my hibernating shell. I know I need more time to heal....and that's part of the reason I'm starting to look at relocating....but that's for another blog post, maybe tomorrow....

PS I do have to say though, there are lots of seemingly "good guys" out there....

Winter Term Wear: Week 6

Tuesday: Lecture

Basics....ran out of time...again. Work-cut jean skirt, black suede flats, white button-up and gray Target cardigan over top. 

Wednesday: Lecture 

I'm not gonna lie...I personally love this. I was just getting out of the shower when I got a text that the ex was en route to finally transport the rest of his stuff out of the house, so I grabbed what I could think of...and this was it. But the colors and the vibe scream "me." I know I've pretty much worn this same outfit before....and I'm good with it ;)

Tunic was a hand-me down from Deir's closet and has been resized. Skirt & cardigan are both Target and over 1-3 years old. Shoes are old...and everything else has been shown before too :)

This week's lecture covered body image and eating/exercise disorders, body composition-current issues in the USA and biosociocultural influences as to our overweight/obesity issue, and fitness. Next class is the second exam....and then we're already into the last third of the course---where the heck has it gone?! My four classes for next term are already posted and available for me to prep---craziness!

BTW this week in my Wednesday course, my no-shop challenge came up in lecture conversation. Ironically some students were shocked....but hopefully it also got some of them to think about the fact that they definitely don't need to have a ton of clothes. I asked them if they'd seen me ever wear the same thing twice....and they all said no. So I made sure to point out that there's no need to buy more since what I already have more than suffices. Additional classroom food for thought for the masses....

Virtual Happy Hour

Spun off the post at Girl with Red Hair which is a spin off a spin (and I've seen this on other blogs)...I'm changing this slightly to be a Virtual Happy Hour. Conversations over brews can be some of the best (especially if there's great bites to be had!)

Image from here.

If you and I were to meet over a beer....I'd probably try to listen to what you had to say first, as I've started realizing how incredibly easy it is for me to be both self-centered and self-serving...and because I truly want to know how YOU are doing in this incredible thing we call life....

If you and I were to meet over a beer...I'd probably share about the animals in my house. How Anna swiped my extra piece of toast w/ pear butter straight off my plate the minute I left the room. Or how Lady meowed on the roof tonight until I would let her back inside. Or how after all these years Major still desperately wants to make Lady his love...even though she can't stand him.

If you and I were to meet over a beer...I'd encourage you to watch the documentaries I watched this weekend. How Vegucated and Hungry for Change reinspired within me a focus on local and organic...and reminded me of how much we're a product of what we eat. How Vegucated showed the harsh reality of animal treatment within factory farms and that even though I've known...I haven't let myself KNOW. How I also went to the winter farmer's market on Saturday....and scoffed at $6/dozen eggs...and then bought bulk eggs at Costco, because I actually know the family that produces them. And that the films recreated some lost passion for the raised beds, the chicken coop, the home-canned goods I'm opening and to those to come....and potential future.

If you and I were to meet over a beer...I'd tell you how I was offered a supplemental teaching gig at my institution to teach a course for veterans....but that I can't take it as I'm already maxed out in credits in the health department. I'd tell you how excited I was while knowing it wasn't an easy opportunity...and how I'm slightly hopeful this might get me back into the veteran realm in a way that it's easier and healthier for me. I'd also tell you about staying after class on Tuesday for 35 minutes to chat with two of my veteran students offering support and understanding of their current experience....and how much part of me realizes that I AM gifted with this population....but yet it's hard to set boundaries and to face my own personal failures in the veteran realm.

If you and I were to meet over a beer....I'd share with you that the ex and I have been communicating for the last week...and I mean actually truly communicating for the first time in a long time. I'd assure you that our communication doesn't mean we're trying to become involved with each other and that we're both cognizant of the large gray area and need for boundaries. I'd also tell you that what's been shared during our communication has answered some questions, cleared some of the old frustrations/hurts/anger, and in many ways brought some extra peace to my soul.

If you and I were to meet over a beer....I'd tell you that the extra peace (and the communication) has quieted a lot of the pent-up anxiety and distractedness I've been feeling for the last few months. It's made me less borderline-obsessive about working out so hard and so much...and it's also ignited a desire in myself to try to enjoy food a bit more. This week I ate some cookies...and I've fixed regular meals during the last few days. I'd also tell you that this month just feels like a "rest" month for my body--a month of multiple days off from working out, a month to heal/restore/renew, and a month to fuel my body. I'd also (over)share with you and tell you that I want some of my fat back...if only because I miss my old boobs. ;)

If you and I were to meet over a beer....I'd share with you the fact that I don't know how I've become so busy....or how time gets away from me so fast. I'd tell you that I'm spending 2.5-3 days a week grading while still trying to see at least 1-2 friends/family socially each week, trying to still look/apply for jobs, communicate with potential dates (at least so they don't lose interest!), go to church and keep up on Bible reading, get out into nature, love on and run the dogs, interview/arrange a new housemate, continue to be a decent housemate to A who is still here til the end of this week, attend professional development opportunities, and all the other regular items of existing. I'd tell you that I'm unsure how I could do everything that needs to be done AND work a true full-time job on top of it, but that I know that life will settle a bit once taxes are filed and the housemate piece is fixed.

If you and I were to meet over a beer....I'd tell you how every day I'm learning new things about myself and areas that I can continue to work on both professionally and personally. I'm feeling that God has me where He wants me and that He'll continue to guide my path accordingly. I'd probably tell you that my boss and several others keep telling me not to give up on the naturopath idea...and how much basic food advice I've given out to people this week. That I'm listening to my inner voice to guide my realizations about how I behave in relationships (both romantic and platonic) and granting myself time to decide what to do with much of this information. I'd tell you how I both feel the gift and the pressure of time in life....and wonder at what point He'll truly show me to change the course of my direction.

If you and I were to meet over a beer....I might tell you that so far this clothing challenge is easy peasy although I am reusing items quite frequently. I could live in those thrifted skirts my mom found, my blouses, a few Ts, my skinnies, and flats. I might also tell you that the no spend challenge isn't too difficult since I just avoid stores like the plague. I might also tell you that even with being extra thrifty last month, I still went in the hole....and how fortunate and humbled I am that my parents feel honored to help me provide this month. The next two months my finances will be fine just on my own income (and with potential housemate) but I might also tell you how much of life truly feels like a humbling experience all around these days....

If you and I were to meet over a beer....I'd realize that happy hour was coming to an end...and that while there was still so much left on my heart and mind to share....that we both had other items to attend to. I'd  debate whether to give you a hug since I'm STILL gauging how to re-engage with some of my older behaviors that still seem so foreign.....and then I'd walk out with you and wish you a great rest of your evening and work week ahead!

Winter Wear: Wk 4 & 5

Thursday: Family Evening

My cousin and her kiddos were in town, so the aunt hosted all us extended family up at her place for dessert and vino. 

Skinnies, mustard cardi, blue ruffled blouse, leopard flats

FRIDAY: Conference

Again with the tucked in sweater :)

My favorite part of this? 

A) The bare legs that felt the sun during lunch eaten outdoors!

and 

B) The wood Ukranian necklace from the flea market in San Antonio on my trip to see my buddy M in 2010.

Merlot pencil skirt, Target sweater

Conference was great---good information this year! Connected with quite a few of my colleagues and met a new colleague!

MONDAY: Casual Date Meeting 

What do you wear to be both casual but maybe cute when you're incredibly beat after a 9 mile snowshoe? I guess this....GREAT conversation and while not really my type, that's the point of all this dating stuff...but he later reported not feeling the chemistry there (potentially more on this later...).

Floral tunic, skinnies, ruffled teal cardi, orange flats, N's handmade earrings

TUESDAY: Meeting & Lecture 

Have I mentioned my love of repeats within a week? :)

This is a go-to in ten minutes.

Target sweater, black thrifted pencil skirt, black leather boots 

and worn with my red hooded pea coat

PS Don't get me started on the meeting that was to happen and didn't, after being the third misscheduling.......

Commence all day of grading until evening class.

WEDNESDAY: Lecture 

Thrown together in literally five minutes.

gray thrifted pencil skirt, black flats, old purple tank, floral blouse

Class tonight: Nutrition--lecture on the macro & micro nutrients, phytochemicals, and the MyPlate guidelines; demonstration of changes in portion sizes & of fat/sugar substitution

Jamie Oliver's TED Talk 

Michael Pollan's lecture on youtube

THURSDAY: Acupuncture Friendly-Errands-Happy Hour-Granny Visit 

This outfit makes me say "Portlandia." Would not wear again with leggings as it just didn't feel "me," but for acupuncture it's best to wear something easy and flowy. I've thought about getting rid of this dress so many times as I feel that the print just might be too big for me....

Hand-me down dress, old black cami, black leggings, black flats, black cardi, black accessories

Acupuncture went pretty well today---different practioner, tons of points, extra heat lamps, on my stomach and almost totally relaxed.

Did my once every six weeks Costco trip and stocked up on goods. Did other grocery shopping after class last night--deciding to make this a routine to ensure I'm maintaining fresh foods. Quick stop at Whole Foods for flax seed and a few other deals before meeting my gal T for happy hour at our Old Chicago grounds. From there drove over to spend the evening with Granny!